I think I am losing my mind. I have already lost my heart and soul...now my mind.

How can someone be so cruel? Because it's all about him and has nothing to do with you - although, you are the one in pain! And how can it be all about him, when you two had something, or so you thought -

Wish I could take the pain away from you - hope someone else can give you something to help you - try to do something to get your mind off of him - which is hard, I know, as he is probably IN your mind, like 24/7 or so it seems.

HUGS!!

I should be hating him not loving him. He made a point of coming over here to let me know. He trumped up some stupid reason to stop by here just so he could hurt me....tell me he was going away for the weekend with someone else.... I have never known any man who could or would twist the knife of hurt the way he does. He seems to need to boost his own self esteem using me....making me jealous... He told me that he was always the nerdy type in high school. I think he's trying to make up for all the hurt of rejection he knew then. But I never rejected him. Why does he need to hurt me? He tried to tell me that I wouldn't have given him a second thought when we were in high school. That's not true. He doesn't know what I would have done. He says I was part of the in crowd and he was out out of my league. I never judged people like that. I can't find a way to convince him that he is and probably always was the one I want to be with. I was just starting to convince myself that he wasn't good for me..that I needed to forget about him...did he sense this? Is that why he's doing this?

I'm so sorry solo. What a horrible person, intentionally inflicting pain. I just lack that killer instict although he is the only man I've seen it brought about in myself with. Always when you get past the hurt, then comes the anger, then hopefully the healing. They do have a wild cruel side and simply don't care how much they're hurting someone else. It's just all about them, their joy, their false bravado and ego pimping. Trust me I've tried to explain to him what his ignoring me or coldly dumping me every couple months does to me and how it makes me feel. We are just puppets in their play. I do think they have a sixth sense. Mine came back sweet and loving but I've seen the head spin around and the rotten, evil, cruel person comes out.

You hang in there girl. Better days are coming.

He is definitely passive aggressive but is this what a narsissistic behavior too?

I've made excuses for him for a long time. I know his childhood is still impacting him. Is there no chance that he will see? Is it going to take the rest of his life to make up for his childhood?

Deep inside I know he's hurting. It's in his eyes almost always especially now when he tries so hard to walk away from us. Run away from us. I can't let him throw away what's left of my life waiting for him to face his demons. I've faced his demons..they have become my own.

Solo,

He is doing this because he CAN. Because he knows good and damn well that he can do ANYTHING he wants to you and you will still be there excusing his reprehensible behavior because the poor little boy had a bad childhood and mommy didn't take good care of him.

Well BFD, most of us had horrible childhoods and that is exactly why we are on this board and putting up with nonsense from a bunch of losers that never grew up, have no empathy and could care less that they are taking your heart and running it thru the mill.

If he made a POINT to come and tell you this then I have ZERO doubts that he is a Narcissist and probably a covert one (the worst) at that. There is not reason to tell you that then other then he is getting joy watching you suffer.

When will you love yourself enough to stop being his punching bag?

BTW, you think you love him but you do not. You love the illusion that you have built in your head about what he COULD be. You don't even like the man that presents himself to you and telling you about his flings, rubbing salt in the wounds of your heart.

Lisa Scott: Narcs only get into relationships to get their stroked and have you cater to their needs. There is NO reciprocity.

They want a new source all the time. Significant other is always the back up form of supply.

Any type of criticism or disagreement makes you the enemy.

They never want to lose a person that handles the mundane tasks that they do not want to do.

The Dark Duality of the Covert Narcissist:

When I think of the covert narcissist the word cunning quickly comes to mind. Cunning implies shrewd often instinctive skill in concealing or disguising the real purpose of oneâs action.

I visualize the covert narcissist as an animal who must stalk and kill or die. Unconsciously the covert narcissist is more desperate and therefore, more dangerous. He or she is psychologically hungrier, cagey, a dirty fighter, without an entourage of followers and servants.

As a child the covert narcissist was often humiliated, demeaned, brought low. The effect of this mistreatment is a seething rage. Covert narcissist can fool us many times. They are at their most dangerous when they are playing the game of super compassionate nice guy.

Be prepared with your knowledge of exactly how the covert narcissist operates. Develop a strong immunity from the covert narcissist by nurturing inner calmness, a respect for your unique self and a healthy attitude toward your entitlement to a full, loving and productive life.

Per Sandra Brown:

The illusion is that:

He was normal

He was in love with you

He was what he said he was

And he did what he said he did.

In pathology, thats never the case.
Their attachments are surface (which is not love)

They are mentally disordered (which is not normal)

They never present themselves as disordered/sexually promiscuous/and incapable of love (so he was not what he said he was)

And they harbor hidden lives filled with other sex partners, hook ups, criminality, or illegal/moral behavior

What you had (that you cant possibly miss) is a pathological relationship. What you miss, is the ability to wrap yourself up like a blanket in the illusion to go back to the time before you knew this was all illusion.

Thank you Suzy. I know these things. I have drummed them into my head. They just haven't permeated my whole being yet. You know what they do. They have a way of touching your maternal side. I know now that the reason he told me early on about his mother and how she never was there for him ....I know that that was meant to trigger my maternal instincts. He played the hurt little boy so well. It's still there. It's become a part of his permanent personnae. You do a fantastic job bringing us back to center. I don't know if I can break the cycle but I'm armed with all the reasons that i should. What happens to these men in the end? Do they just die without ever having found the reason to change?

Please remember that the whys (why he is the why he is DOES NOT MATTER. It is of ZERO consequence. Every single man I have been with has had a life story that is shattering.

What matters is how he treats you NOW, not what happened when he was little that he can not get over and is using as a manipulation tool and you are buying into it 100%.

You think if you can locate the key to his issues that it will magically make him well and then the two of you can ride off into the sunset. It is not going to happen. Would you have any respect for him whatsoever if you kept running off with other men and he kept allowing you to come back to him? Would you think that was unconditional love or would you know that he was a doormat that you could use and abuse?

Sorry I hit a key before editing. Of course he plays the little boy BECAUSE it works (at least on you). I am sure he plays a specific role for every one of his victims.

And yes, they will die without changing because PATHOLOGY does not change. It just leaves a trail of tears.

And I know I can come across harshly which is not my intent. I am sorry that you are hurting. I just want to wipe the scales of illusion from your eyes so that you can start HEALING. And that will come on your own good time.

Thank all of you. You pulled me through a rough time. I will be reading and rereading all of these the first moment I can feel the pain starting again.God bless you.

Suzy, I think part of the reason I try to understand him is so that I can understand me. I have always been like that...I ask questions, I read, I research. It helps me find peace and helps me resolve. At least it used to. But yes, it still does. At least seeing why he does things has stopped me from questioning what is wrong with me. It isn't me. I know that now. No matter what I would have done the outcome would be the same. It's a Catch 22. He needs someone who loves him without limits just to make up for what he never had but having someone who loves him that much triggers his fears and makes him feel vulnerable so he runs to find someone else to start the game all over again. There is no way to win.

Solo, I can so relate,my ex got engaged a month ago, we had been together the 2 months previously "trying to work things out" (well one, of us, anyway). And this 4 day weekend I expect he will take her down to be introduced as the New Grandma to his grandkids of a previous marriage, who were MY grandkids for 7 years! This was the final blow, I can now accept that I was never any more special to him than all the others, although he moved heaven and earth early on to make me believe that. They come, they go, they are THE ONE for their brief shining hour, then things get boring and they're booted out and replaced by the next poor trusting starry-eyed hopeful. Really sad and pathetic, don't you think! I;m relieved to finally get it - it never was about me at all - I'm the healthy one!.