Hi and welcome! I wish I had an answer to your question since I also face this challenge myself. Please remember that this is a process and it takes time. I can't tell you it will be easy but you must concentrate in finding the source of your fear before you can address it. I hope you are reading WWL2M because it is a great place for you to start. As you read I know you will begin to understand what drives your fears and thus you will be able to learn who you are and how you can learn to not let your fears get the best of you and your relationship.

We all have a fear of something. In my case I wasn't afraid of the things I should have been afraid of - because it seemed NORMAL. Is it really fear you think you are experiencing or is it your intuition trying to tell you something?? One thing I have learned is that actions must match words. That builds trust. If their actions do not match their words- it is crazy making behavior. Welcome to our little group!!

It sounds like you have a little girl inside you who is panicking. When we are children, our survival depends on others. As adults, we can survive without those caregivers but the child inside us still feels like it will die if it is abandoned. Sometimes our inner child needs reassurance that no matter what happens, WE will never abandon her. Sometimes we need to soothe that child who feels abandoned until our adult self takes over again and we return to a peaceful state. The reality is: YOU WILL BE OK no matter what. YOU WILL BE OK. My sponsor told me this many times and I finally believe it.

Thanks for sharing. Blessings in your journey!!!

It sounds like you are putting an awful lot of pressure on both you and your boyfriend by making him 'your everything'.

Relationships, when they are healthy, can be beautiful and uplifting. When we look to another person for validation, we can mistakenly give them too much power over us and in essense make them our 'god'.

A good relationship is balanced. Neither party lives in fear of the other or in a panic that someone might leave them.

As long as you live in this fear, your behavior may become so erratic that you end up pushing him away. What you fear the most will begin to manifest simply because you are fearing it. Does this make sense? Basically your intense fear starts to cause you to be jealous, insecure, nagging, and suspicious which then makes the other person want to leave because they feel like they are drowning in your neediness.

Perhaps you can do some reading on Enmeshment

Enmeshment In Codependency

Enmeshment has come to be a popularly used term when speaking about codependence. Codependence is defined as, being psychologically influenced or controlled by, reliant upon, or needing another person to fulfill one's own needs or to complete oneself.

Now, generally, people are defined as being codependent if they are in a situation where they are psychologically mutually reliant on someone else to meet needs for them that they should be able to meet for themselves.

A codependent person is one who has let another person's behaviour affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person's behaviour (Melody Beattie, in her book, Codependent No More.

What is enmeshment?

We're enmeshed when we use an individual for our identity, sense of value, worth, wellbeing, safety, purpose, and security. Instead of two people present, we become one identity.

More simply, enmeshment is present when our sense of wholeness comes from another person.

We hear enmeshment phrases everyday such as, I'd die without you, You're my everything, Without you, I'm nothing, I need you, or You make me whole. Many of us find our identity and selfworth by becoming the mate, parent, or friend of a successful and/or prestigious individual, or we find the need to fix and caretake individuals to give us a sense of purpose.

Enmeshment doesn't allow for individuality, wholeness, personal empowerment, healthy relationships with ourselves or others, and, most importantly, a relationship with our Higher Power.


From this site:

http://soulselfhelp.on.ca/coenmesh.html