Women who Love too Much Community Group

WHEN BEING IN LOVE, MEANS BEING IN PAIN... This group is to help women through the journey of realizing they can love themselves. To help realize that they are capable of having a happy, healthy, whole relationship and break the cycle of abuse and heartache from loving emotionally unavailable men.

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nix192 09/24/2015

I just had my usual dear john text yesterday after an amazing whirlwind few weeks. i met this guy online and i had just about given up as every relationship i have they seem to get me to fall in love with them then dump me.
This guy was so lovely and said he understood why i was so hesitant at first as i didnt want to rush in head first again then get hurt. He made all the running and would text me and call me constantly and wanted to see me all the time. In a very short time he told me he loved me and said he hadnt felt this happy in years. We talked about going away while im on leave from work next week and then last week he brought up the subject of moving in with me when the lease on his place runs out next july. to be honest i did think it was all a bit too quick but he made me feel amazing and so loved.
The last time i saw him was sunday when he came to mine on his way home from work and he was as loving as ever and we talked about living together in the future and even talked about where his things would go. ( All initiated by him). On Monday his texts were less but just as loving and he told me he missed me each time.Tuesday morning he hadnt text and it was getting late so i text him to see if he was ok to which i got an almost instant reply saying he wants to call it a day as he is not ready for a relationship.
I am so angry, mainly at myself for believing all his lies but also with him for knowing my past and the doing exactly the same to me. Why does this keep happening to me??

dayone52415 09/24/2015

It's not you! It's called love bombing. It's the first phase of the three phases of a relationship with a narcissist. Love bombing reels you in and gets you hooked, followed by devaluing and discarding. I spent a year trying to figure out what happened and once I started reading about narcissist abuse it all made sense. Big hugs and hang in there.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

dayone52415 09/24/2015

Here's another good article.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/unreality-check-cognitive-dissonance-in-narcissistic-abuse-1007144

nix192 09/24/2015

Thankyou so much dayone52415 ive just read both articles and its like im reading about myself.

dayone52415 09/24/2015

Big hugs! This is just the beginning of the healing. Google "narcissist abuse" and you'll find a whole world of answers and support groups.

yougospam 09/24/2015

Both very good articles, Dayone you always have great sites for us to check out. Nix, I'm sorry this happened to you. I would like to suggest a book for you to read, better yet see if your county health dept. offers a course, mine did, that is how I heard about it, below is a link that gives a brief summary of the book:

http://www.loveandfidelity.org/online_journal/how-to-avoid-falling-for-a-jerk-or-jerkette/

The course is based on the book. It has some valuable information on who and why we "choose" who we date. It has helped me in the relationships I have been in since my 2nd, unwanted, divorce. Apparently I'm a poor picker of men so this book has helped me look at the whole picture VS what I think I want and need in a relationship. Hang in there, I know it hurts!!!!

finnmyway 09/24/2015

there are many red flags from the start to pay attention to in the future... you are choosing these men this is not happening TO you....

i know you are hurt and you are in pain and it's valid and i'm sorry.... but you are not a victim..... no one can abuse you unless you allow that to happen....

much love and support...

see if you can figure out where you went wrong and what you can own. when we own our shit we become the authorities of our lives....... and then can make empowered choices.......

dayone52415 09/24/2015

Personally, being told by my friends and family that I was acting like a victim, that it was time to move on, to get over it, did more harm than the abuse itself. Yes, there are red flags to be learned and avoided the next time, but beating ourselves up for falling for someone's love act and being a victim of abuse only makes the hurt worse. Especially when this message of blame is coming from those who do so in the name of being helpful and caring. It took reading...a lot of reading and researching to realize that what happened was not my fault, but that by learning how to love myself and heal from the inside out, I could make better choices the next time. Unfortunately, that hindsight does not take away the PTSD. That is a long painful process that requires patience from yourself and from others who have been in the same situation. Validation is the key. Here are a couple more articles to illustrate what I've learned the long hard way.

https://afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com/2015/09/18/what-happens-when-targets-arent-believed/

https://yourlifelifter.wordpress.com/2015/09/18/why-healing-from-abuse-is-never-about-the-abuser/

goingup 09/25/2015

Aw, there is nothing wrong with you. He is just a jerk.

Someone said this guy sounds like a Narcissist. I would agree he probably is. Those are all classic signs. The love bombing. Getting serious so fast, you were completely right, is a huge red flag. It's just insincere. How can they be that serious when they barely know a woman?

Also, I honestly am not a big fan of online dating. My experience was also a negative one (I met a sociopath). I feel like with online dating, men don't feel like they have to earn the woman. They already know she is interested. They don't have to work as hard. So they do not appreciate her as much.

I mean...this is why dating is so hard, because of bad guys like this out there.

Since this is a recurring pattern for you...I would ask...what was your relationship with your father? There is something called the 'repetition compulsion' that many women have, in which they find men who are like their father and try to re-create the relationship and win the affection they never received. I read about this in the book 'Toxic Parents' by Dr. Susan Forward. I highly recommend you dig deep into yourself and ask if this applies to you.

Hugs x

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