OMG, this is me. I know some may have a problem with this but I am here again....with a married man. I KNOW that EVERYTHING about this relationship is just WRONG!! And I swore that I would NEVER be involved with a married man ...like my mom was for almost 20yrs. and loved til the day she died. But here I am. I convinced myself that this was the best I could get at this stage in my life . Where I live all the men my age are either married are humping everything moving. So I settled.
I know all that he tells me are lies.I know that this can never go anywhere. If it did I would NEVER trust him. I know that me and my children deserve better. But in my fantasy world' we are just friends. I can convince myself that I am not becoming attached and that I can handle this and walk away whenever I want. But I have tried to walk away. I have tried dating others. But the 'rush' I get from being around him, the thrill of the chase, and the sex is amazing! And the lies that he tells me(yes I know they are lies) I still need to hear. When I hear, I miss you, u so sexy, if I wasn't with my wife,....all lies but I miss hearing them. And in my fantasy world it's a good thing. But soon enough I have to wake up. Usually it's a rude alarm like standing me up or ignoring my phone calls or telling me I'm crazy( and that I may be)! I don't want him to leave his fam but I do want the man in my fantasy....which is only a fantasy.

My Therapy has really been helping me see things clearly. I'd been telling myself all kinds of tales about who my husband was and what our relationsihp was. CRAP! Wow was I just lying to myself! Face reality if you can. It sucks, but do it anyway.

reality really does suck, cause i sure love the "bad boys",,,,

I know I've been living in a fantasy world but it is so hard to give up!!
If I can't live in a fantasy world, then live becomes so dull and boring. And then there is the extreme highs and lows. It is an addiction.

OK, I'm awake now....but now it's not a dream. It feels like a nightmare!! How could I have let myself get this deep into this? What was I thinking?
Now comes the hard part. Going cold turkey! He is gonna come after me with everything that he has. I need to be strong. I wasted a year of my life dealing with this mess. And I am worse off than when I started......MUCH worse off.
I am beginning to think that my children will NEVER know what a father is and I will be alone for the rest of my confused life.

That is so true, and in trying to manipulate the man to get what we want, we totally lose any opportunity of actually getting that which we want. Deep down inside, we don't want someone who is just pretending to be all these things because we told him to, we want our men to WANT to be there for us and do things for the better of the relationship. But when we don't see them wanting to do these things, instead of re-assessing the relationship and taking a step back (maybe he doesn't have what we need?), we do the opposite, and latch on/try to FORCE him to be what we need. But we will never truly be happy this way, we need to learn to let go and let him be himself, and either accept that and be happy with it, or move on. It's scary to think we will never find anyone who will meet our individual desires, but we can't get what we want by settling for less and try to manipulate it to be more. I like this sports analogy I once heard about letting go of control "In order for someone else to pick up the ball, you have to let go of it." We need to stop being so controlling of people, and let them act on their own and give us what we want, and if they throw the ball the wrong way, we don't have to run after it, we can walk away knowing that it's not meant for us.

This is me as well xxx

i lived in the past - determined to 'fix' it - and the future - which I would make perfect - never now. blew away 11 yrs like that.

When the guy is gone, he suddenly becomes perfect.
All the awful feelings we had when together are overshadowed by this fantasy that he was perfect.
and we blame ourselves for the break-up.

By doing this, we ignore our pain -- our unhappiness --- our truth.

Wanted to bump this to the front...