Hello, I've been searching for online support groups and this is one of the only ones outside of FB I found. 

I would love some advice on my current situation with my LEO "boyfriend".

We are childhood sweethearts, been together since teenagers and we're finally at a point in our lives where marriage was supposed to be the next step. We're both very career driven and have centered most of our lives towards achieving our career goals. I have a business and he is in his 5th year of law enforcement.

Our relationship isn't perfect, but up until recently, it seemed we were well on the path to marriage. We're each other's best friend, thoroughly enjoy each other's company, loved hanging out with friends and family, traveling, etc. But once we turned 30 and he was passed over for his dream job, it was a huge shift in our relationship.

He no longer enjoyed going out, we had less and less fun with each other, he began isolating himself, drinking heavily, we were constantly fighting. To me, it still seemed manageable, tough relationship quarrels but we could work through them, we just needed time, but then, he told me he wanted to separate and that he needed time to find himself. I was crushed. This was happening at the worst time. My father just had a major health scare and almost died, my mother's health was also in question, and my business partner and I were at odds, I needed my best friend's support and instead, he told he was "tired of dealing with commitment". 

So with a heavy heart, I left to go out of state and be closer to my parents. I began to make my peace that a relationship spanning over a decade, was over. I was hurting but I was preparing to move on.

During our separation, he was again passed over for his second opportunity at his dream job, this time he would not have another chance. It hit him heavy and he called me one day with a gun to his head. This moment changed everything. 

Everything I thought I was feeling was erased. I only cared about making sure he was alive. Over the next couple of days, I put everyone I could trust on suicide watch. I started doing research, specifically about suicide and depression in law enforcement officers.

The wheels in my head started spinning. All that we were going through, his change in behavior, his attitude, the feeling of loneliness, a sudden need for separation, isolation. They were all signs and I felt so guilty that I had been ignoring them for so long. I started reading about how to support your LEO and what it takes to become an LEO spouse. Everything started to become overwhelming.

Going from various waves of emotion, from hopeful, to confused, to confident, to angry. I can't grasp it. I have so many questions. 

Number one, I'm still angry with him! He threw away our relationship as if it didn't mean anything, even told me he was thinking about seeing other women. I had strong suspicions of a brewing affair with a woman at his job, that he so lovingly told me was a "badge bunny" when I first met her. Never realizing he was giving me a hint. When I needed support he ran away and made me figure it out on my own. Now suddenly he dumps this 10 ton truck of bricks on me. Calling me with a gun to his head, making threats of ending his life! I'm absolutely livid! and I feel horrible about it, which makes me even angrier bc how messed up can you be to be mad at a man who is in pain?

Now Im back to being the supportive girlfriend, walking on eggshells to make sure I don't trigger him, making sure I am as available as I can be, all while being out of state caring for my parents and running my business.

Mind you, he still hasnt expressed wanting to get back together, just acting as if we were back to normal. I still have so many questions, but Im scared to address them. I dont want to trigger him.

He wont seek counseling, in fear he will get trouble at work. He says he just had a really bad day and he's not really suicidal. But idk. Reading these blogs, it says suicide is the number one cause of death in police officers and so many blogs make it seem like being a police wife is very one sided. So many wives spending time figuring out how to support their LEO husbands and make life easier for them, but what are the husbands doing?

I never realized this lifestyle would turn my best friend into a completely different man. Someone who was once so outgoing, the life of the party, now someone who is anxious in large crowds, suspicious of everyone (friend or stranger), rarely wants to leave the house, selfish and secretive. I understand the reason behind these feelings, but I never thought he wouldn't be able to disconnect from work.

I dont want him to commit suicide, I want him to find help, which is why I still keep open communication... but I'm starting to think this is not the life for me. If by some chance we reconciled and he wanted to get back together, do I even want it?

Is this how he will be forever? Will I always feel alone and unsupported? Is a marriage to an LEO, this one sided? Can anyone offer any advice, words of wisdom? Im so torn.