Being married to these monsters, we know every look, stance, walk, etc. We know when they are drunk, buzzed, or sober. We are the audience and after years of watching THE SAME MOVIE OVER AND OVER AGAIN, we know what they look like drunk. 

Tonight, jerkoff woke up at 10:00 p.m. and I asked him if he was hungry. As soon as he answered me, I knew without a doubt he is buzzed or on something. Since I know he will be behaving like a 13 year old girl with the rolling of the eyes, throwing up the hands, huffing and puffing, I calmly said "you seem a little buzzed, perhaps you shouldn't go out. He got very angry at me and started saying I always accuse him of stuff, then he mumbles about what a problem I am and keeps saying he is sober. After 31 years of experience with this PRICK, I just stand there, waiting for his tantrum to end. Oh, we have done this dance so many times, I know every step and every look. I'm 51 years old now and it still isn't easier to take.

He says I'm the problem. I am ALWAYS accusing him of things (you know how they exaggerate) and continues to huff and puff like an idiot while I stand there like a statue (is this really my life?). Here is the thing I cannot accept, handle, or get over. Recently, I went NO CONTACT from my toxic family and it's been very hard. I am under doctor/therapist supervision and my husband is my only support emotionally and we often discuss how awful my family was to me. HOWEVER, whenever he gets like this, he will use my family as an insult to me. He will call me my father's name when he is drunk or aggravated. He knows that is the worst thing to call me. Tonight he said "well, my last name isn't (my maiden name) so I guess I can't make up shit and be mean. 

I turned and walked back into my hide out, blasted my heavy metal and jumped on here. When the one person you trust who knows your struggles and pain purposefully throws a dagger knowing how much it will hurt you and then act all self righteous when you crumble, there is no getting over that. There is no way to handle that. Thankfully I can see this for what it really is but damn, it still hurts like a bitch.

It's a cycle. He will be sober and very nice for about a week or so, as the laughter and the jokes and watching movies together gets better and better, I know that any day now, the floor is going to drop from beneath my feet with him getting drunk and turning on me. You can set your watch to it but it's very sad. So at 51 years old, I am doing what I did at 15, going to my room alone, blasting my heavy metal and crying. 

One of my biggest worries is that I will do something or behave in some way like my father. Years of therapy and extensive self reflection. Dumb ass knows the work I put in not to behave like my father but when he is drunk and backed into a corner he will throw out the YOU ARE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER bullshit. I am not behaving like my father. I was not controlling him, I was mentioning that he doesn't need a 5th drunk driving arrest. In no way was I accusitory or mean. Because SELF REFLECTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Been walking on eggshells my whole life, I KNOW THE DRILL. 

When we take ourselves out of the room, house, their presense, we are doing it for self-preservation. It is not a hostile act at all. But they view it as POUTING, IGNORING THEM, GIVING THEM THE SILENT TREATMENT, MANIPULATING THEM THROUGH SILENCE. No, it's a simple, I CAN'T BE HERE RIGHT NOW AND I WANT TO CRY ALONE. It's hard to give yourself a loving hug, but I try. Since I was a kid, people have let me down and betrayed me (hence me going no contact with that nest of vipers). But when your husband kicks you when you are down, how can we forgive that? 

Oh and the other day, he bought one lemon from the store. I asked about the lemon and he said "never mind" and wouldn't tell me why he bought a lemon. It was strange but I let it go because what the fuck. In the morning he left me a note: I'M SORRY FOR LYING TO YOU AND I WANT TO COME CLEAN. I BOUGHT THE LEMON BECAUSE I BOUGHT SOME TEQUILLA (he is a rum drinker). He said he wanted to be honest with me that he lied. Well, tonight he said I AM NOT DRUNK! WHY DO YOU THINK I AM LYING? I NEVER LIE!!! What about your note admitting you lied at the tequilla you horse's ass? 

Sometimes when I take an Ambien, he says my facial expression changes and so does my personality and he doesn't like it. He said no matter how many times I tell him I didn't take one, he KNOWS because I change. Okay CAPTIAN OBVIOUS, I can see when YOU are on something as well!

I'm gonna find an extra gory disturbing horror movie to watch (nice things like romance novels, dramas, love stories, and feel good stuff always makes me feel worse. I watch that kind of stuff to remind myself that life could always be worse. 

Question for you ladies, when you are pushed into a corner, knowing you cannot win, hubby is drunk and being dick or passed out in his own vomit after starting a fight with you where he pisses on your love for him, what do you do to cope? Books? A friend? Movies? Music? I also journal quite a bit. I recently read some of my journal entries from 20 years ago that still apply to this day. Meaning (I am going to yell this to the young people coming here for support with fresh marriages and their whole lives ahead of them):

AHEM: IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO MARRY A DUDE WHO DRINKS TOO MUCH AND ACTS DIFFERENTLY WHEN HE DOES, RUN AWAY NOW. IF YOU ARE ABOUT TO MARRY A DUDE WHO YOU THINK YOU CAN FIX OR CHANGE, RUN FOR THE HILLS. These drunks will ruin your life, steal your youth, and fuck up your children. Look into your own self for why you were attracted to the drunk in the first place and fix YOU before you fix another. 

Don't end up old, alone, and unloved. 

Thanks for reading friends. Please share your pain and know that you are safe here and no one will judge you or manipulate you.