If they know that you might leave, the play the victim card and that might kill themselves, to get sympathy and to pull you back in to staying. It is all a game. They are just so lost and broken inside, and the only way they can cope is through the bottle. They may want to quit sometimes, but sometimes the chains attaching them to alcohol, is too strong for some to break. But, remember, he is making these choices and will eventually have to live with the consequences of these choices, by himself. Don't carry the burden of his problems. They aren't yours to carry. Release them back to him, so that he has full control over what he chooses to do with his life. Worry about you and the kids. Heal you guys and let him decide if he wants to heal or not. He is on a different journey in life than you are. That is okay, but you don't need to carry the burden of his issues anymore.

Thank you! I hear you I just need to let it go. It’s so hard, and I’m so tired of living this life. I’m exhausted, and I feel like most of the things I do is to protect my kids from this. It’s a never ending cycle. I hope he can get back on the wagon...I’m so desperate for some type of normal.

Faith, It is a hard live and like Bluesprite said this is him his choice not yours. She's also right about the threats, just the other night my AH asked me to catch the house on fire leave and let him burn to death in it. When I said "i'm not going to spend the rest of my life in prison to get you out of your misery". He came back and said "fine when you leave I will leave a pan of grease on the stove and go to bed". I don't think he means any of it all he wants is attention. He didn't wait for me to leave he walked in the kitchen while i'n standing there and placed a pan of grease on the stove, turned it on and walked away.... Hello i'm standing right here!

Nothing you can say or do, he has to do it for himself. If he's anything like my AH the more I try talking the more he resents. It's hard but i've just now after 30 yrs realize he's not going to quit because I asked him to, he's a good man and also a good provider but he will always be an alcoholic. Take care of yourself and your kids and I really hope that he chooses to seek help!

Letting go of the outcomes of life, when you have no control of them, is hard. It takes a whole lot of patience, practice and time. You have to take a cold, hard look at the reality of your life and be able to accept it as it is right now. The more you can face the truths about what is happening and what is not going to happen with this man. We get married to these men because we think that they were going to provide the support and love we needed, to us and to our children. Ends up, that they are so broken inside, that they cannot even love themselves enough to take care of themselves. In my situation, I had to let go of the idea of having a normal, healthy, loving marriage, where I was supported and loved. That he was not going to raise the kids with me through the good and bad, or be there for me at my lowest points in life. All the dreams I had about what I wanted my life to be with this man, stopped early on in our relationship. But because I believe the best about people, I held out hope until there was nothing left of me but ashes of myself and all I could do was let go of my hopes and dreams and realize that it was never ment to be the way I had wanted it.

You really have to search for the truth and be willing to face what is really going on with him and within yourself. Let go of the stress, anxiety, worrying and hopes that you have wrapped up around this person, who does not spend the same amount of energy on you. To really be able to provide the support and security your kids need from you in this situation, you need to take back all that wasted energy that you spend on him. Bring it back to you and the kids. Give him back all the burden of his issues, to either fix or not. It will set you free to be truly present for you and your kids. He will either fix himself and want to join back with you guys, or he will choose to carry his brokeness and burdens with him and slowly fade away. Either way, you have taken back control of where your energy goes and who deserves it. Take care of yourself, let the rest play out as it will. You don't have control over what he chooses to do or not do, you only have a choice of how you live life and how you handle the things that are given to you. You do not have to carry burdens that are not yours to carry. Peace and happiness will find you again. Focus on that instead and someday you will have it, no matter what else life decides to throw at you.

Blue sprite, brilliant and well stated post. Thank you!

my AH was in the same position as yours earlier this year. When we met we got pregnant (not intentionally) and i didn't know he had a drinking problem. shortly after my daughter turned one, his father, his best friend, died, and my AH found his body the next day. it had been a downward spiral from there. he lost his job, he inherited a lot of money and he couldn't cope with his father dying in order for him to be in a better position financially. we moved out of our apartment in the city - our comfort zone - to a big house in the country that needs a lot of work. throughout this time he was falling apart at the seams, couldn't find a new job after he lost his career because of his drinking (he also took a significant amount of time off work to "recover" and they didn't like that). he has abandoned us, disappeared, drank himself into oblivion, attacked me physically and emotionally. at the beginning of the summer he showed up at home when he was supposed to be at work, he was completely wasted, and made me believe that if he left the house he was going to kill himself. so i called the police. that was the beginning of his final descent to rock bottom. it took months, but he landed hard. he was in and out of the hospital, abusing the prescriptions they gave him for his anxiety. he tried to kill himself several times. there was a period for about a week and a half where he would not let me or my daughter return to OUR house because he was "a danger". he couldn't decide if he wanted to move out or stay and have us leave. he hit himself in the head with a hammer. twice. the very last black out drunk, he was banned from two restaurants in our small town because of his behaviour, and someone smashed his head into the sidewalk. an officer came to our house (we've had officers come three or four times, maybe more, because of him) and told me he was being taken to hospital and asked if i was going. i said no. and i didn't. here's the interesting thing about suicidal drunks. the hospital can't do ANYTHING to help them, because when they sober up they say they aren't going to kill themselves and so they get discharged. they're lying of course, because they want another drink. i talked to a doctor, the first one in 8 experiences, and i said flat out - listen, he's not going to kill himself when he's sober. he's going to kill himself when he's drunk. he's going to walk out of the hospital and to the liqour store or a bar and this is going to happen all over again. they held him for a mandatory 72 hour stay at a psychiatric facility. they diganosed him with PTSD.

Faith, even after all this, and my AH discovering that he in fact does not want to kill himself, that he is worthy, he still drinks. he just got drunk recently. what i'm trying to get at with this novel i just wrote, is that you are not alone, it's sad but it's true. that he probably doesn't want to kill himself, but the threats are really a cry for help. you are not the one to help him, he needs to accept that his drinking is a huge problem, find the necessary help, and ACCEPT it. you cannot save him, i know that you're worried abuot walking away and the guilt you would feel if he did actually kill himself, and he might! but that's HIS choice, that's his personal decision, not yours. and alcoholics are selfish by nature, expect that he's only going to make decisions to suit his personal needs. are you making decisions that suit yours, or decisions that continue to keep him comfortable? because i was in that same position until i called the police on him and he hated me for it, because it was a sign that he does not have me under his thumb. you will find the way, you have to do what's right for you. we are not enough, you should find a local support group or al-anon or just call an addiction service because they may be able to point you in the right direction.

Thank you all...I’m still crying! My AH has been sober for 7 days. I talked to him about how stupid he acts when he’s drunk and how unfair it is to me and the kids. He’s a black out drunk so he never remembers anything. I’m still trying to pull myself together. I’m angry now, angry that he gets to act as though nothing has happened and move on and go to work like everything is normal. He started to work out in the mornings which I think helps with his cravings, but everything he does seems so selfish to me. I hope he can manage to stay sober for himself, and the kids. I’m slowly gaining the courage to do what’s right for me. One day at a time.