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When to Divorce the Alcoholic?

rccola5816
rccola5816
Hi there I am new to this forum and while I should have joined years ago, I only now heard about it. A bit of background. I have been married to an alcoholic for 11 years (together 15). He wasn't an active alcoholic when we first met. He was a "social" drinker who always drank too much. 5 years ago his sister was tragically killed and a month after he was fired from an amazing job (cutbacks). From that point on he started drinking while alone in the house. I was raising our then 1.5 year old twins. We had lots of ups and downs. I threw him out of the house 3 years ago, he shaped himself up and a few months later was back. things were going great, and then i found out i was pregnant and we bought a house and moved. I thought that was it, he was on the right path. But all of that changed when I went back to work.The drinking spouts got worse and he changed. He was no longer the happy drunk who would just sleep it off. He became mean and for some reason all his anger was at me.He never hit me, but he was verbally abusive. Many incidents happened since then, too many to write about. I kicked him out again last January after a "violent" episode next to our kids. He started going to an outpaitent program and I thought he was doing better. But he wasn't. He was still drinking and he stated hiding it from me. I always knew if he drank, something in my gut always told me. A few months later he "convinced" me to move back but I didn't want him. All of this brings me to today. About 2 months ago, after numerous falls I finally did something I had always wanted to do. I called the police (he showed up drunk and I didn't let him in, he tried breaking down the door). I told him after that last episode that I am done with him and I want to get divorced. He is living at his parents house and is behaving (not trying to come home). I have decided that enough is enough. I have given this man my all, have stuck by him through every thing but now I need to do what is for me and my kids. The problem is I am getting pressure from him and his family to wait a few months to not file for divorce yet. That he is not in the "mental state" to handle it. My family who lives on the other side of the world keep on telling me to do what is for me, not for him. He is in a deep depression (has been for years) and everyone is afraid that this will tip him off. I am an emotional state right now. Trying to raise my 3 amazing kids alone (have no help), work, take care of the bills, house, etc. and on top of it I am still dealing with his family and him. I went to al anon back in January, where I live there are very few options/resources. But stopped going when I realized it only made me more depressed. I just feel so confused. On one hand I want to end this misery (by divorcing him) on the other I am being told, why do you care he doesn't live with you any more and won't be back. You are living in the house and everything is "normal." I just know that for me, closing this chapter of my life will bring me the serenity I have been searching for. He has been suicidal the past few months which I think is just another way of being manipulative. I have been a "bitch" to him the past few months as well. Barely talk to him and when I do, I only lose my temper. He keeps on telling me, wait if I do this once and for all I can be an amazing person, the one you have been waiting for. I know there is a possibility that this time he will become sober and stay sober but I don;t have the energy to wait around and see if and when it will happen. Too much damage has been done here and this time I cannot forgive and forget. He supposedly is going to rehab within the next week or 2 and says there is no point to go if I am not going to be there waiting. Again to me it feels like a manipulation. I would love to hear some advice from women who went through with divorce, even if the husband went to recovery. I need some encouragement here. Thanks :)
yw249
yw249
Well, I haven't gone through with the divorce yet. But I am making preparations (saving money etc.,) My advice would be to get the hell out of that marriage while you can. You can't take responsibility for his life anymore. You also need to think of child visitation rights after the divorce. I'm sure you don't want the children to be left with him unsupervised if he is unstable. The visitation issue is why I haven't already divorced is because my AH is a functioning alcoholic and could fool any judge into thinking he's this great dad. My youngest is in high school and is at the age where he can't be forced to visit with his Dad if he doesn't want to. Right now, it's all about finances, but I'm working night and day on that issue. If your AH is unstable, that should be powerful leverage to present to a judge so you can protect your children from being exposed to his drinking without you to protect them. I'm jaded so take this with that in mind: Get out before he takes your youth and scars your children for life. Drunks never change for good. I wish somebody had told me that years ago.
bonblue
bonblue
My thoughts and prayers always
keatamax
keatamax
They are master manipulators and they suck the life out of us. Do what is best for you and your children. After all you've been through, you deserve to move on and create a safe and happy home, and enjoy your life. Sending you strength.
Ginny03
Ginny03
So I've been the one to leave while husband was in detox (for the second time) and after hundreds of promises to make it better, to quit drinking. I walked away because I didn't believe he would quit forever, I believed he went through the process of detox to appease me. I was right, if he had really wanted to make up for the damage done, if he really wanted a new life with me, or if he really wanted to be the father his children deserved, he would have pursued sobriety with a vengeance. He didn't, he chose rather to cast blame on those who loved him. It was everyone else failing him in his time of need. Never caring that we had needed him and that the hundreds if not thousands of times he let us down had finally become too much. I gave him two years from the time I left till the time I filed for divorce to get sober but instead he chose otherwise. Even though he says he loves me - it's not enough to break the bonds he has with his bottle of whiskey.

Not every situation is the same and I feel there is always hope, but at some point you must decide what is right for you. I had worried about my husband all this time, worried about his depression, worried he was suicidal, worried he would lose his job, worried he would hurt someone if he drove drunk, worried he wasn't taking care of his dog, worried about every thing!! One day I woke up and said to myself, "why am I worrying about someone who doesn't care what he's said and done to me. He didn't care. He once told me that he would hear me cry (before I moved out) and would think to himself, "she'll get over it," and he'd go to sleep not caring.

What I'm trying to say is that you should do what you want to do - do not let him or his family put pressure on you to "wait." It was his bad behavior while drinking that brought him to this point. It's now your choice what you want to do with your life. You have every right to choose a different life - life is short, do with it what you will!

Sending you hugs!
rccola5816
rccola5816
Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and encouragement. It has taken me 15 years to make this decision and I am in it 100%. I have tried everything to help him, encourage him, guide him and the reality that hit me hard happened during the last episode. It was a Saturday, he never dared drink on a weekend. We were at the beach all day, had an amazing time, the kids were happy, I was happy. Then we came home and a few minutes later he used his usual excuse, I need to go buy cigarettes. From that moment the chain of events spiraled down to me calling the police, You want to know what really woke me up? The police officer who came to take my statement at 4 am sat her with me and said, how old are you? I told him 35. He said, hun get out now. Look at how beautiful and young you are. You have been the sole provider for so many years, what are you afraid of? That is when the truth him me in the face. A complete stranger saw what I have been trying not to see all these years. So, yes I made the decision to end this once and for all. I told him I don't care what he does with his life, if he goes to rehab or not, I don't care if in year from now he comes to me clean, with a job. Because I know that this illness is for life. No matter how hard he will try, he will always be a drunk. And to make it worse he now has a mental illness (which from personal experience) will never go away! Regarding the kids, I requested sole custody with supervised visits. My lawyer knows what type of person he is. Before I made my decision there were 2 incidents where he was drunk with his kids. The hardest thing in all of this is I am so mad at myself. The writing was on the wall and I was too stupid to get out before I got this hurt. I wanted to leave him before the kids were born but was afraid of being alone. I was 27 years old, what if I would never get married, never have kids, what if the next guy was worse than this one...But, what can I do. If anything I got the best present of all, 3 amazing and special kids. I told myself, now is the time to teach these kids what is right. No one deserves to be treated the way I was all these years, it's never too late to get out. Lots of love and encouragement to all of you. It's horrible living in this roller coaster, but eventually there is a way to get off.
rccola5816
rccola5816
Update my husband went into rehab today. On one hand I am happy for him, I want him to recover his life and be a father to our kids. I want him to get his feet back on the ground but I don't want to wait around and see what will happen. I have decided to hold off on the divorce papers until he comes out of rehab. It's a 3 week program and then after he is going to take a pill called Vivitrol. Anyone heard about this pill? It also comes in the form of an injection. In my opinion, a pill is just a pill, the real work will be when he is out of rehab, will he put his life back together, get a job, be responsible? He called me last night and i was supportive, told him I want him to do this for himself and his kids, not for me. He told me he needs my support now as well, that the whole family needs to be there for him. I just got off the phone with his sister's boyfriend who has taken it upon himself to help him, take him, do what needs to be done. He told me that I need to be supportive now and if my plan is to divorce him, to wait until he is "healthy". He used the card, his entire family has been supportive of you, you could have easily have gone through this alone. I am torn right now. I know that deep down he has destroyed any idea of marriage and a normal relationship. I have no idea what will happen with him but I have given this man my life. I have fought for this marriage, for him for the past 5 years. If he was so serious about shaping himself up, then where was he last January when I told him last chance? It may be that he will go to rehab, become clean and an entirely different person, but this can take years to prove, to be able to trust him again, and frankly I have no energy to "try" again. I need some help and advice today because I am emotionally torn right now. I know that only I can make that choice to divorce him or not. What happens if i give him a few months to see what he does and I decide still I do not want him in my life (then every one will say, but look at him, he has put himself back together, give him another chance). Wow now I understand why it took me this long to say enough is enough... The guilt trips are making me feel bad about my decisions (which I haven't acted on yet).
rummi
rummi
rccolaa5816, it is a very difficult decision to make when it comes to divorcing the person you love. Regardless of the fact that he is an alcoholic , he is a human being first and the father of your children and not to be forgotten the man you vowed to stay with for sickness and in health. My husband is sick like yours and there are times that I want to run as far as I possibly can go to escape the bad times. But there are also times that I want to hold on too so tight because they are the best days of my life to be shared with my AH. I have contemplated divorce many times just like yourself but i always ask myself the question " Do you still love him ?" Till this day the answer is Yes. I love my husband even though he is very sick and alcohol takes him away from me many times. To some this may be an excuse but for me it is the truth. I know my husbands heart and soul and I know that the person that he becomes with the booze is not him. I am saddened by his addiction and I wish things were different however I cannot leave him knowing that his addiction has nothing to do with Love. I know he loves me and I know that I love him and for that reason I stay and fight the damn bottle with him. He tries to get sober but more often than not he drinks. It sucks to be on this roller coaster however I am committed to our marriage and I continue to love him regardless of his addiction. I tell him that hes lucky that God wants me to love him obviously because there is no other reason for me to stay other than love. In bad times I ask God to take him out of my heart so save myself from such heartache however to no avail does that happen. I continue to love him through better and for worse. I will tell you though, i do protect myself as best as I can. I dont stop living because he chooses too. I do alot of activities on my own and I am responsible for almost everything that goes on in our life. I know that I cannot depend on him financially nor can I trust that he will come through with alot of things but the one thing am certain of is that he loves me and I love him. I know it may sound silly or even stupid for some because who would subject themselves to such misery. Well i dont have an explanation to my logic but it is what it is. All i can tell you is that if your going to stay with your AH you better prepare yourself for a treacherous journey. A journey that YOU CHOOSE to walk with your AH out of love and committment and not out of fear or anger. Its about accepting the full ride, the good and the bad and knowing that it is a conscious decision you are making. Its not an easy decision to make, believe me I know. It really is your call to make. Only you know how you feel and only you know what you are willing to put up with. I wish you many blessings to you and your husband! God willing he chooses the path to sobriety!!
rccola5816
rccola5816
rummi thanks for your response. So I have to tell you something interesting. I was exactly where you were a year ago. I had learned to live with my AH and accept all his faults. I told myself, ok you love him and he is sick so be there for him, support him, he cannot work right now, he cannot help with the housework, he cannot help pickup the kids, etc. I devoted myself to him and my kids and let life just flow. I have lived with this illness for 10 years already. We have had our ups and downs, we have had lots of good times well. He saved me from a troubled childhood, he was there for me when I needed to stand up to my family, to fight for my rights, etc. So yeah, I was at the state where I said, "If I love him that is all that matters." But something changed. All of a sudden I started to look at my life and analyze what was going on around me. All of a sudden it dawned on me that this is not a normal life or marriage. The roller coaster was affecting me, and my kids. I wanted to shelter my kids from him so they wouldn't see their father drunk, so if I knew he drank, I would pack up the car and go and find a place to sleep. I wasn't sleeping well anymore for fear that he would go and get drunk and then I would have to pick up after him the next day. I stopped trusting him (after his first time getting drunk while watching our kids this included driving drunk), I started searching for any hint that he drank (look for bottles, smell him, see if something was different in his eyes). I became obsessed with him and his drinking. All of this until the most recent episode when I said enough is enough. He has been out of the house for 2 months now and I have had a lot of time to think about this. Now I am happy, now my kids comes home to a clean, organized, quiet and non-stressful environment. I am happy and they are happy. I do not need him financially, I do not need him as a husband or father (he hasn't been any of those roles for 5 years already). I realized that the inner peace and serenity have made me into a happy person. I have also realized that truthfully, I am not in love with him anymore. I have given up on trying to fix him and even if he comes back in 6 months time, sober and with a job it just won't do it anymore. I need a man who I can trust, who will be there for me, who will also take care of me, who will respect me, and who will love me. Maybe one day he will be capable of all this. But the damage has been done. I am too broken to fix it this time. I hope for him that he will come out clean and will shape up his life since he is still a father to our kids. But, I will not let a controlling, manipulative, negative person come back into my life and take away the freedom I have finally achieved. I hope for you that you can continue to love and accept your AH for all his flaws. But if you get to the point that I am at, it's ok. You are alllwed to be happy, to laugh and smile and be yourself. It took me almost 15 years to get to this point. It does not happen in a day that's for sure.
rummi
rummi
rccola5816, thank you for your candid reply. Perhaps I too will feel the same in 15 years. There are time even now that I question my willingness to stay. I love my husband tremendously and for that reason alone I fight for us. I am hopeful that he will change one day. I guess my optimism comes from seeing my parents come out on top of alcoholism. My father was a severe alcoholic for 25 years and I saw my mom endure alot of heartache. When I turned 13 I told my father that I could no longer live with his drinking and that I was contemplating suicide, it was then that my father chose to stop. No rehab, no AA, no counseling, just his mere willingness to stop. I cant tell you how much I love my father for what he did. I ask my mom if her struggles with my dad were worth the wait and she tells me that regardless of all the bad times in their marriage she feels blessed to have stayed with my father through thick and thin. They have been married 60 years now. I guess Im hoping that my life will turn out the same. Im hoping my husband will also realize one day that what he is doing to himself and us is killing us and that he stop his drinking before it is too late. I want my happy ending just like my parents and I am hopeful at this time. I realize that I may not get it however at this time I am still willing to fight. I completely understand your decision and I pray that you continue to find your happiness and wish you tremendous success in your life. God bless you!
naezer
naezer
I can totally relate with your story. I served my AH divorce papers at the end of August. He went into a treatment center the following week, sobered up, came home, fixed the damaged walls, updated his resume, started applying for jobs, etc. He acknowledged that I wanted a divorce but convinced me to wait until after the first of the year (for tax purposes), convinced me to reconsider the wording of the document, convinced me that parenting time could be joint, convinced me to cancel the hearing for temporary custody, convinced me that we could have an amicable divorce, promised he would pay to refile the paperwork....and the list goes on.

Sobriety lasted two months - just long enough for everything to cancel through the court system. He started drinking again, lied about it, refused to let my daughter stay with friends while I was out of town.... turned into an absolute jerk. He let my 10-year-old daughter fend for herself, put a bunch of my stuff outside resulting in damaged/stolen items, made threats about taking our animals to the pound, tried to pull my daughter out of school while drunk, burned some of my property and more. I am now out of the house, have called the police on him 3x, filed an order of protection, am refiling the divorce / temporary custody paperwork and moving forward on this as fast as I possibly can. I wish I would have gone through with it the first time and saved myself this drama.

I would tell you - don't wait. It sounds like you've come to terms with leaving him. You've identified that you don't love him,, that you wouldn't care if he came back sober later in life. It sounds to me like you're done. Do it now and be done with it. The guilt trips must end at some point and you deserve to be happy.

Best of luck to you!
rccola5816
rccola5816
Wow naezer so sorry to hear what you have been going through. Amazing how they are so good at It sounds like all of our stories have a similar flow, ups and downs, broken promises, heartache...when kids are involved it makes it worse. Our number one priority is our kids. I always said, if they ever get involved and become aware or hurt by his drinking I would put an end to it. So I guess it took 3 of these type of episodes for me to wake up. I want to believe that he is a good guy but sick. I wish the guy I met 16 years ago was still here, but that is not the case. It's not that I do not love him any more. I am just not in love with him. We have both changed, me for the better, him for the worse and I have realized that no matter what there is no way to patch up the wounds. We need to be strong and not give in to them. Good luck to all of you.
petey49
petey49
You are only 35. I am almost 60 and make the money. If I leave now, I loose half of everything I worked for to him. We have no kids, I am resigned to the situation. Don't want to retire and spend my days watching him get drunk, so I will keep on working until the day one of us dies. Wish I had made a different decision 10 years ago.