Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I read all the previous posts, and heard my own story in every one of them. Thank you to all the brave wives who posted before me, and gave me the courage to vent my frustrations without feeling like a whiner.
My question is posed to those women who actually did leave:
When did you know it was really enough?
I am tired. I've had enough, but I've had enough every month for the past seventeen years.
As I paused to think about how many years my husband and I have lived this way, I came to the realization that he has always been this way--just not this bad. He is correct; I am the one who has changed, and for me to ask him to change now IS unfair. I just cannot do this anymore: I am not myself, I am not happy and I don't think I'm in love.
I cannot say what it is that keeps me in this awful cycle we call a marriage. He is a good man. He's never hit me. He does his best to support the kids and me. However, he consistently chooses beer over his family. I would like to seep in once in a while, but I can't because he can't get up in the morning. I would like to have a glass of wine once in a while, but I can't because I cannot count on anyone to be sober to drive the kids home from extracurricular activities or work. He's embarrassed me so many times by going to school functions with a buzz. He is rude and verbally abusive when he is drunk; then, he blames me for picking fights with him because I can't stand the drinking anymore. He is losing his memory, and making me feel like the crazy one (I've started making notes in a calendar to help me know I am not crazy). He can't have sex drunk, and he's drunk almost every other day. Then, when I don't feel like sex the day after his drunk because of something he's done or said, it is always my fault we are not having sex. He cannot find enough money to buy me a card for my birthday or any holiday, but can always make enough for a six pack of tall boys, which I will have to go buy because he's already been drinking. If I refuse to go to the store he will drive himself, and I would not be able to live with myself if he injured himself or others.
My children are home from school now, so they have saved you all from the rest of my rant. However, I really needed this. I wish it was not Christmas time; I would be packing his stuff instead of typing.
My question is posed to those women who actually did leave:
When did you know it was really enough?
I am tired. I've had enough, but I've had enough every month for the past seventeen years.
As I paused to think about how many years my husband and I have lived this way, I came to the realization that he has always been this way--just not this bad. He is correct; I am the one who has changed, and for me to ask him to change now IS unfair. I just cannot do this anymore: I am not myself, I am not happy and I don't think I'm in love.
I cannot say what it is that keeps me in this awful cycle we call a marriage. He is a good man. He's never hit me. He does his best to support the kids and me. However, he consistently chooses beer over his family. I would like to seep in once in a while, but I can't because he can't get up in the morning. I would like to have a glass of wine once in a while, but I can't because I cannot count on anyone to be sober to drive the kids home from extracurricular activities or work. He's embarrassed me so many times by going to school functions with a buzz. He is rude and verbally abusive when he is drunk; then, he blames me for picking fights with him because I can't stand the drinking anymore. He is losing his memory, and making me feel like the crazy one (I've started making notes in a calendar to help me know I am not crazy). He can't have sex drunk, and he's drunk almost every other day. Then, when I don't feel like sex the day after his drunk because of something he's done or said, it is always my fault we are not having sex. He cannot find enough money to buy me a card for my birthday or any holiday, but can always make enough for a six pack of tall boys, which I will have to go buy because he's already been drinking. If I refuse to go to the store he will drive himself, and I would not be able to live with myself if he injured himself or others.
My children are home from school now, so they have saved you all from the rest of my rant. However, I really needed this. I wish it was not Christmas time; I would be packing his stuff instead of typing.
Instead, I needed to ask myself: Why should I do this? How will my life be different? What will I be able to enjoy that I can't now? How can I make this a reality? What's the first step I need to take? It's all about asking ourselves the right questions. =)
Last year at this time, I vowed that 2015 would be a year of change. That either he would find sobriety or I would find my way out. It took me most of the year, but I followed through. I filed for divorce in August. He immediately went into treatment, convinced me to postpone things until after the 1st of the year and then two months later, he relapsed. Hindsight being 20/20, I realized I shouldn't have canceled things in the first place, it was just another guilt trip / manipulation tactic. So, I filed again and started the process over.
Although I'm still in the midst of divorce proceedings and not officially on the other side, I can tell you the peace and quiet in my house is amazing, the lack of emotional abuse is wonderful and being free of guilt trips and manipulation is bliss! I hope you can find peace in your life soon.
The problem is that I never really seem to reach the complete "enough" point. I can still see so much good in him, even when I am glaring at him as he's passed out on the couch snoring over the full strength of the TV volume (which makes me feel like the worst human being on the face of the planet). The roller coaster is exhausting, but the good days are so very good.
I am here to support you when I say this, "he's never hit me" isn't an excuse to stay. He's abused you in other ways which is just as bad, sometimes worse. No matter how much we think we're insulating others from seeing it, your daughter is going to see what you tolerate.
Ooh and as for how he makes you feel like the crazy one? That's abuse too called "gaslighting." Happened to me all the time. Https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting