Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hi. I'm new to this group. My husband has addictions. It's gotten progressively worse over the years and his inhibitions lead him to commit infidelity. He moved out last week to our friends house. Since then he has hit rock bottom, and beyond. Mental health and addiction slowly turned him into someone we could no longer recognize. Seeking help was never an option. Now that he has lost EVERYTHING, he has come to the place of acceptance for help and healing. He has intensive therapy with a psychologist and the friend he moved in with is a sponsor.
My question is... what is my role, if I have one, in his recovery? Do I stand by and support from a distance or leave him to take it on himself? Or do I play an active role in supporting him?
This was my #1 question when my husband got sober (he's had a relapse as of late but had 2 years sober previous) So- what's my role? My husband did go to rehab and I was taken aback but, when they had "support for family and friends" day? I was the only one who came and I don't mean for my husband. I mean for every. single. person. in the rehab at the time.
But it allowed me to talk to the therapist who was running the "group" very candidly. He told me to answer that question for myself first.
It was good advice. It brought me back to what I needed. Did I need to take space and heal from the hurt that I'd been through with him? Did I need to support him but from a hands length? Did I need to be really hands on?
My answer was that I needed to heal but I didn't need to actively pull away from him. I still loved him and was very proud of him for getting sober. I was in it 100% for whatever needed to be done next. I saw a therapist for my "stuff" for a time- honestly, didn't find it all that helpful other than being a sounding board. I kinda needed to move forward and not dwell and therapy for me with that therapist was very dwelly.
Anyway- I realized that if I didn't need to pull away or take a breath for me then the next best expert in the collaboration of our marriage and navigating the new sober dynamic was my husband. So I asked him what he needed me to be doing and he was remarkably clear about it- he needed me to be normal with him and he needed me to be there, he needed to know I still loved him and he needed me to know that he was pretty scared.
But, those are the answers I got- from myself and then from my husband.
I guess this is my long way of saying- ask yourself first- what do you need right now? Do you need to take time, support from a distance or be active? If it's anything but active- do that. No shame. You are important.
If you're in a place to be active? Ask him what would help him- you may be surprised how he answers. I was surprised how clearly my husband responded.
I don't know if this is the answer you are looking for but, I hope it helps.
Best to you!
I could only offer some advice that worked for me. I agree alot with what APieceOfMyHeart is advising. My husband has tried sobriety 3 times. The first time around I was being the supportive person. Making sure he had a way to attend all his appt and meetings. Making sure he knew if he ever got any urges he can call me and I will drop anything im doing to talk and help. He was sober for a few months but then relapsed. The second time around was his longest sobriety and that was mostly because he was court ordered to not touch alcohol or he would face jail time due to getting his 4rd DUI. That time I was too very supportive and he seemed to appreciate it and utilize my support.
Unfortunately he then ultimately relapsed. Now here we are again at the 3rd time of sobriety and I wanted nothing to do with it. i wasn't coming from anger but I realized it was taking a toll on me and my mental health. I had to put myself first and also take care of myself.
When I did that it was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It truly was. i thought I was being selfish but after doing some discovering this wasn't selfish at all. I pretty much just set boundaries with my AH and stopped worrying about his recovery or his relapse. I worked on myself and found mental strength. So personally when someone asks me that question..what their roles are. I tell them just work on yourself. Separate yourself from their battle. When it comes to alcoholics that is a battle only they can fix. No one else. They have to truly want to be helped. Instead of deciding your role work on yourself and decide what you want your future to look like. Deciding if you want to stay for the long run or this isn't something you want to do. Alcoholism is a life long journey. Just one slip up could put you back at square one. For me I decided thats not something I can deal with for the rest of my life. Always wondering if today is going to be the day he decides to relapsed. Everyone is different so take sometime to yourself and find what you want out of this. I don't mean to be so blunt. Wish you nothing but the best!!
This post was shared by an AH regarding a different topic but points to glean I found helpful for me.
I’m an AH and in 2012 my liver levels were 165+. I was near death. I found a small window that I jumped thru and started a program of aa. I didn’t want to live and I didn’t want to die.
The news I have is the liver can repair itself if it’s given the chance. My tests were normal after a year not pouring alcohol on my liver.
It was basically the fact that I had so much alcohol in my system I was producing enzymes and they were digesting my organs.
I tell anybody that will listen it is never too late.
The thing is my wife finally stopped enabling. I suggest making life as much of a pain as possible. Wake him up early. Don’t do any laundry , don’t do his dishes.
The only way an alcoholic will change is it the pain of quitting is LESS than the pain of drinking.
The ah will only get sober if he wants it. Honestly the best medicine is ignore the ah. We hate that. Just act like we don’t exist. Sure as hell don’t pamper us. Why get help when life is great?