Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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rebelk123 08/26/2017

Hi, my SO is in rehab drug/alcohol issues. He blames me for the extent of his issues saying that he does drugs and alcohol because 'i dont let him be a father'. He left for rehab 3 weeks ago, and when he left he told me he loved me, sent me the address. I wrote him a few times. No responses. No phone calls. Nothing. He only calls his brother. Apparently, "he isn't ready to talk to me". I'm so hurt that he has left me to pick of the pieces, for the second time. We have a 2 year old, and 4 month old. We live together as a family, in his house, and i'm fearful that this is his way of telling me he doesnt want a relationship with me and he doesn't care about me. Am i overanalyzing? i'm fearful that i'm not going to have a family when he comes out of rehab and i'm not going to have a place to live. What can i do to remain strong as well? i don't want him to come home to me being no myself. How am i supposed to act when he comes home? Has anyone else been blamed for drug issues? i'm so hurt and confused.

CeeCee4 08/27/2017

First of all its NOT YOUR FAULT. dont let him manipulate you in to feeling this way. Its actually very common for addicts to blames others around them, it defers reaponsiility and accountability and allows them to keep using because it is justified. We have all on here been accused for our mans problems. But its not you. And he might not stay with you when he gets out. Who knows where he is at. Just breathe. All you can do is keep moving forward and taking care of yourself and your children. Hopefully things work out. But in the meantime, relax, deep breathe, and kiss and hug your babies.

learningpatience 08/29/2017

My AH blames me for a lot of things, usually when he's drunk. When he's sober it's a different story, he realizes he's just projecting, but it doesn't make the words sting any less (even when I don't believe them). No one makes an alcoholic drink, no one pours the alcohol down their throat. That's on them, but alcoholics are notorious for not taking responsibility for their own actions. They are victims, trying to place blame everywhere else to feel better. But.. they don't. They never feel better because alcohol is a depressant, and a hangover is depressing so they drink to feel better but they just delay the inevitable. I don't know how you should act when he comes home but you need to do personal development for yourself, because living with an alcoholic can ruin you. It's almost ruined me. I started reading codependent no more and it made a difference for me. I need more than one book because I've developed a serious anxiety issue over the four years I've been living wit this, and I just borrowed a book about dealing with my rage from the library. Your best way to deal with him is to deal with YOU because you are the only person who you have control over. It's liberating and terrifying to realize that. I keep having to remind myself that he is a grown man and it's his choice to get drunk, but it's my choice to leave and I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I will be OK if and when I do. His alcoholism isn't your fault, it's not on you. Maybe some of the codependent behaviour seems like it forces him to drink or makes the situation worse but again, you're not putting alcohol in his hand. we all have choices, as hard as they may be. You should consider seeking counselling for yourself as well. Maybe there is a local addiction services you can go to, or even online meetings with al anon or smart recovery.

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