I can totally relate to what you are saying, Nancy. I am in the same place. I have been pondering the same question. One of my lifetime best friends is the MALE version of me...he has been in the same boat, and continues to be plagued with people who don't appreciate him and are very narcissistic. So, in watching him and his struggles, I often see a mirror image of what I am dealing with---and the likewise for him. Of course, we both ALWAYS have good advice for each other---and we laugh because we know if we each took our own GOOD ADVICE, we might be fairing much better than we are! I have kinda concluded that likely--most of us that are dealing with alcoholics--we are highly sensitive people. Highly sensitive people tend to be 'givers', which is a noble thing--but, not when it is at the expense of our own well being.
In my current situation--it is the first relationship I have ever been in with an alcoholic, with the exception of my dad--whom I didn't have much of a relationship with, but, it did affect me.
I hope it doesn't sound crappy to say this (not assuming that all alcoholics are bad people), I do think many of these types of people (addicts) tend to radiate towards those who are compassionate, understanding, patient, and feel the need to help. The problem is, we get sucked down into their destructive abyss and begin to feel that we are failing because we can't fix them. (??) As a result, we allow ourselves to be completely 'run' by their emotional highs and lows as if they are our own. I often find that most of what I worry about is not even (directly) my problem---but, when we care about someone, it is hard to NOT feel it is our problem---BUT, I am beginning to realize I have to let go because my husbands sickness is making me sick--and I am no good to others because I have retreated (and am worn out!). Disconnecting is not easy...but, it isn't impossible--and it doesn't mean we don't care. But, like you said...for our other loved ones, and for ourselves---we have to. The trick is, maintaining our strength.
I go round and round with this thought...I have for years.

Your post really resonated with me because up until very recently I too felt very much like you. I did everything 'right'. Everything by the book. I went to college, got a good job, got married, bought a house, had kids...I worked SO hard to make it all work. I know that I'm a good person. I'm kind and giving, a good listener, a good mom, I volunteer at the animal shelter....So then WHY was this happening to ME? What did I do to deserve this? I was so very angry all the time that this was gong to be my lot in life after all I had done to be a good person. It wasn't fair, there wasn't a god (or if there was he'd certainly forsaken me) there was no rhyme or reason for why things happened and oh yeah, IT WASN'T FAIR.

About 3 weeks ago, after going to countless Al Anon meetings and hearing the same stuff over and over it finally clicked. Our topic was 'playing the victim role'. Ta da! The light went on!

You know why all that shit happened to me? Because I let it. I allowed unacceptable behavior to become my normal. I doubted myself, the core of who I was because an alcoholic told me I was crazy and that drinking a bottle of vodka a week was 'fine'.

That was hard to swallow. But accepting that truth and refusing to be a victim anymore has been very powerful. It has caused a spiritual re-awakening. I've got my fire back. I was so lost for so long, not knowing what to do, which way to turn because everywhere I went people would say "Oh, you poor thing. That's just terrible....etc:" And I ate it up. I was stuck in a depression for over 2 years. I finally told my doctor that if this was all there was going to be to life I was pretty much done living it. I had already checked out mentally. Certainly no one would miss me if I weren't around. How unbelievably self-centered is that? I have two kids who depend on me, I'm an only child who is super close to her mother, plus my aunts, other family, friends...How dare I think that I get to check out because this is hard. She put me on an anti depressant and within a few weeks my thinking began to change. I allowed myself to experience happiness by doing little things for myself...getting an ice cream cone (double dip!), buying a new shirt, reading a whole book in one weekend...They added up and I started to feel better about myself. I was worth it! I have embraced that my happiness is my responsibility.

The truth is, everybody has something. Some get more crap than others. There are people who are terminally ill from cancer, dying in wars far from home, thousands of children starve to death every year...did they ask for that? No. Most of that is far beyond their control and they are truly victims. But being married to an alcoholic? I have control over that. I and I alone am responsible for the choices that I make and the consequences of those choices.

Anyway, that has been my journey. Maybe reading my experience can help you in some small way. And that I believe, is another reason we go through the crap we do...so we can help one another. Best wishes.

I totally understand where you are comming from.
You must have been my sister. Sounds like my house you
Grew up in. In lots of ways we are all sisters here fight as much
For our self freedom to feel love and give love. Be respected
Feel we are equals to our partners. Not the maids for them only
When their friends are not available. Then at last they feel they
Have no choice but to spend time with us ...the one who is there
In sickness and health. Taking what ever is left over trying to make the
Best of it.
We are most always on the bottom of the list. :-(. Why do any of us
Put up with this.?.. love?
I have started making plans for me ...my getaway.. one day I will be
On my own ..not Luke on my own now..which I might add I mostly
Am . I try to make one day a week my day call a friend go eat or go
Thrift shopping. I feel good when I save a lot of money.
I don't rely on my husband anymore to make me happy that's
My job now. I don't plan for my husband to ho with me places ,honestly he
Could ruin a good day driving add more stress. Then I wind up not
Enjoying my trip because I have to put up with his constant fussing.about
One the or another. I would rather go by myself.
Why do I stay with this man who make me lonely, miserable.
Because I still love him and he does have his once in a blue moon good
Day when he is clear headed enough to realize I'm am not just his
Wife who will take care of him when he is sick but will forgive.
I am his friend too I don't ask anything but to love me and so me you
Care.
I guess in the end it just comes down to how much we are willing to take
From someone who loves us too.