Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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butterscotch 07/12/2018

Hello, this is my first post. My HFA husband of 15 years and I have a first appointment with a marriage counselor tomorrow. This counselor also specializes in Addiction. I've told my husband this is for marriage counseling. I've told the counselor that the secret goal is to get HFA into rehab. Counselor is on board.

BUT I realize that this will likely fail, as my HFA refuses all help regarding his alcohol problem.

SO, the ONLY reason I am still married to him is because I don't see me winning a custody battle and I don't want my 12-year-old daughter to go on visitation with the HFA. He's so good at it, people like him, he's charming, he's a salesman. It's even hard for me to tell when he's drunk, unless he can't walk that is. And that is the case at times. It's like it just hits him suddenly.

I'm simply waiting 6 years until she's 18 to leave him because I don't want her to be going to his house for visitation for weekends or every other week or whatevs.

Anyway, I want to leave. I know this is all bad for my kid to see. I know we won't fix his alcoholism. He's an ass to me all the time, demeaning, talks down to me, tells me things are my fault, all the normal alcoholic things. Physical abuse is minimal (throws something small but heavy at me hard, smacked me in the face with a sturdy piece of plastic, years ago he shoved me up against a wall, "almost" kicked me then said you're lucky I pulled that involuntary kick because you made me so mad.) It's all weird things and over 15 years there's been like 6 or 7 instances. So I'm not getting beat. There's been nothing to call the cops for. But I feel like it could increase, as there have been 2 instances since April 1, 2018. And he's not drunk when he does this, he's generally frustrated because he needs it when this meanness happens.

Anyway, how do you deal with the custody issues and your HFAs?

Thanks a ton. This life totally sucks.

sevier 07/12/2018

I am in the same boat, staying because I know he wouldn’t be denied joint custody. My youngest is almost 13. I don’t feel they would be safe and looked after with him so I stay. As a mother, keeping my kids safe is my number one priority, even if it means I’m miserable for five more years! Good luck to you!

butterscotch 07/13/2018

Well it's good to know that I'm not alone. I've got 6 years, 4 months left. If it gets too physical, like something I can actually call the cops for, that's when I'm definitely out of here. One reason I'm starting the counseling is to try to make the next 6 years a little more tolerable. Another reason is because I feel like someone needs to help this poor creature. But I am definitely out of here when the kid turns 18, regardless. I really feel like a permanent fix is impossible with him and too much damage has been done anyway.
I worry about what it is doing to my kid. She doesn't seem to be in emotional distress and is in no physical danger. She knows that the reason we don't leave is because of custody issues and, when given the choice, she chose for us to stay.
I don't yell anymore. It's funny, because whatever the argument is, I am just so over it that I say my piece and move on. Things that previously enraged me don't have any affect at all. Another thing that helps is that I am never emotionally affected. I never cry or feel overwhelmed or unhappy. I guess I am super strong and numb.
Thanks for your response Sevier. I am about to go to my appointment and it made my day to see your reply.
Good luck to you too!!!!

sevier 07/13/2018

I totally understand about too much damage being done and giving up. It sounds like you have a solid, detached attitude which is probably really beneficial to your child. In this situation I think the best you can do is just keep the house as peaceful as possible and do as much as you can outside of the house. It still sucks though, waiting out years and feeling like you are wasting a good part of your life. Stay strong!

umiil 07/14/2018

My youngest is 5, trying to wait it out.

butterscotch 07/16/2018

So, marriage counseling went great. HFA likes the counselor and is taking the advice to be more involved with family things. However, he's doing it all with a good buzz. I've also done things he's interested in doing, when generally I would avoid them. HAHA counselor branded me a dictator, "heavy on the dick". And branded my HFA an asshole - I don't remember the exact verbiage but not asshole. He also told us that only children (ME) and oldest children (HIM) aren't compatible haha. AND that we're both ALPHAs, which also doesn't work. He straight up asked a few times if we thought we wanted divorce, suggesting it might be simpler than fixing this. I'm laughing inside all the way through the hour. ANYWAY I'm keeping focused on the goal - a tolerable next 6 years and possibly helping this poor HFA "baby bird". I feel obligated to help him and I don't want to risk a 50-50 custody sentence. I'm not leaving my kid with him for any amount of time, much less every other week or whatevs they say. GOOD LUCK TO ALL IN THIS SINKING SHIP. I recommend counseling, so far that is. (It's only been 4 days since the meeting).

Laura82 07/21/2018

I am in same boat. Staying because i can’t risk him being alone with the kids while drinking. I guess it makes me feel good to know i am not the only one. I was starting to just think i am a complete idiot for not leaving.

butterscotch 07/26/2018

Laura82 I'm just keeping the arguments to a minimum and as long as there's no physical violence I'm staying. It's funny how since I don't care anymore, I have nothing to argue about. I think it's called detachment, and it's working. I'm strong too. His name calling and such bounce right off of me. BUT if he crosses the violence line, I'd be out in a heartbeat. Money or no money. Hang in there.

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