After posting my first time on here, my DH decided to go cold turkey.  He set his goal as 30 days.  And believe it or not it was AMAZING.  I had no idea what it felt like to have an amazing marriage.  He did great.  Ate healthy, didn’t drink, way more active and productive.  Around day 25 I started getting worried.  I was sad it was coming to an end.  He made it know that he would drink again but “not like before.”  He set terms.  Day 28 rolled up and he invited me to the movies and was so excited that he would “be able to have his first drink back with me.”  That when I reminded him it was only 28 days.  Needless to say he was pissed.  That ruined our evening.  It originally was suppose to just be at family bbqs which we have once every few weeks.  Then it slowly(or pretty quickly given it has only been a month since he came off his 30) turned into a let’s go out to dinner when he would have 3 beers.  Yea 3 24 ounce beers.  Then came the hunting trips.  This is where the script flipped.  When he was called out for him lying, he decided he would be the one to call the marriage quits.  Sat me down and told me “he wasn’t gonna live this way.”  Exactly what I have said for myself for 12 years.  We worked through that.  The drinking continued.  We went to Detroit to an Astros game to celebrate our anniversary.  There was an understanding that there was no judgement.  We would be counting or worried about the drinking.  Needless to say he spent those two days in a haze.  Came home and it was suppose to go back to “normal”.  It did, the normal from before.  Yesterday he went on a hunting trip and took 9 beers.  His deal was 6.  But it was 9 16 ounces (and since my husband thinks I can’t do the math, a 12 pack).  I told him in the morning to take it easy and left it at that.  Well midday, it all spiraled out of control.  I “ruined” his trip and he should have left me years ago.  I am making him someone he’s not.  He is an “outdoor guy” and I was making him live a lie.  I guess outdoor guy = a sloppy drunk???  It was a full 6 hours of just bashing me.  I just told him I understood and just wanted him to be happy and if that meant leaving me, i was ok with it.  I got home from work, a mess, told our kids that they should make themselves scarce when he gets home, if he comes home.  He gets here and amazingly, he walks up to me to kiss me.  Acts like NOTHING was said.  I kept my distance.  He passed out and the night was over.  Today the traditional sorry and blah blah blah.  I told him what he said cut so deep I don’t know that those wounds would ever heal and I don’t know that I can ever forgive him fully.  I can’t truat him obviously if he hasn’t loved me for years . He is begging for a family day tomorrow.  I honestly don’t want to be around him.  And the cycle continues because here I sit, “standing my ground to leave and stand up for myself” and he comes home from work tomorrow morning and wants to talk about how he is going to “make me the happiest person from now until his last day.”  Why wasn’t I good enough for that before now??  He still has no intentions of quoting drinking.  He puttered around that subject today.  But we won’t talk until late tomorrow morning because he “forgot” his duck calls at the lake and he has to go get them.  What that means is he has no idea where his $600 duck call is because he was so freaking blitzed.  And here I sit again.......my life forever