Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

1,099 Members
2,716 Posts
0 Online
Addiction & Recovery
/ Wives of Alcoholics Support Group

Wanna Fight?

boto4022
boto4022
Last night I came home from work and had the distinct impression my AH was extremely unhappy and looking to pick a fight. Of course, he wanted me to start it by responding to his behavior but I did not give him that satisfaction - this time. He had met with his therapist earlier. I can only assume maybe he didn't like what she had to say. He was stomping around the house (literally) and wouldn't speak to me or barely even look at me. He then took something of mine that was in our pantry in the basement "until I decide to use it" he said. It is a kitchen related item. I don't cook as much as I used to and I am pretty sure this bothers him. He doesn't cook any meals (doesn't even make an effort), this is left up to me. I work two jobs so most nights I get home well after he does (usually this is his drinking time). This was where I knew he was trying to pick a fight. I just agreed with him. Then he was making fun of me while I was on the phone; repeating was I was saying like a child. It was all I could do to contain myself but I did. Why does he want to pick fights like this? It is so frustrating. I am happy he is seeing a therapist but he still thinks he can quit drinking on his own. He has tried this before and it never works. Just needed to vent with some folks that understand.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't really know what to say...but wanted to reach out in support for what you are going through. I've been told many times that AA is the only way. Praying for you...
Karenhopeful
Karenhopeful
If he picks a fight and goads you into saying or doing something, he then has an excuse for drinking. I know mine used to tip the power balance by pushing me to saying something mean and I would lose my temper wanting SOME kind of connection, anything, to shake him up and get him to see MY reality. Well I can be pretty wicked when I get going. He would then focus for days on ''I can't believe what you said.'' The focus was then off what he had done that caused the fight.

At the time I did not realise that he was not rational and I was quickly sinking into complete and utter irrationality.

I suggest Alanon and/or a therapist who understands addictions and co-dependency.
boto4022
boto4022
I have gone to Alanon and it did help me understand that his drinking isn't my fault. I get that now. I wish I would have gone sooner. I have just started seeing my own counselor who understands addictions. My hope is that with us both in counseling we can work this out. But as his therapist has told him, his drinking has to get under control first, then they will work on his depression and working on our relationship is last because we can't fix our relationship until he stops drinking and resolves whatever issues he has which causes him to drink. I think he is finally starting to understand this. But my fear is how long will it last? What will be his next excuse to drink? As many of you know, they start and stop drinking all the time so after you get used to that cycle it is hard to think it could actually change forever!
boto4022
boto4022
I have gone to Alanon and it did help me understand that his drinking isn't my fault. I get that now. I wish I would have gone sooner. I have just started seeing my own counselor who understands addictions. My hope is that with us both in counseling we can work this out. But as his therapist has told him, his drinking has to get under control first, then they will work on his depression and working on our relationship is last because we can't fix our relationship until he stops drinking and resolves whatever issues he has which causes him to drink. I think he is finally starting to understand this. But my fear is how long will it last? What will be his next excuse to drink? As many of you know, they start and stop drinking all the time so after you get used to that cycle it is hard to think it could actually change forever!
Karenhopeful
Karenhopeful
There is quite a difference between sobriety and not drinking. My ex stopped drinking for quite some time. I had a dry drunk; he had not dealt with the inner turmoil and what caused him to drink. So while he was not drinking and I naively thought the problems were done, he was still doing the irresponsible behaviour, lies, deception and betrayal. Eventually the lies resulted in him starting to drink again and we were back in the cycle.
boto4022
boto4022
He thinks he can still drink so he continues to live in denial. He told his therapist and myself in a session that he wants to get back to two beers after work. He says it is for stress reduction. Funny thing though is that I don't feel I need to ingest alcohol after I have a stressful day at work. I just deal with it and think tomorrow will be a better day. But you know my job is not as stressful as his, right? I don't understand what he goes through at work. I have to reiterate that I work a full time job, a part time job and a seasonal job spring through fall. So I think I know what stress is all about. I worry more now that spring is here and he will be outdoors more and for longer periods of time. I told him I don't think I can go through another year with him drinking. I am hopeful therapy will help but he has only been going for a few months. Thanks for your support!