Wow that was very good!! Thank you for sharing.

I went to web very good thank you

Interesting , thanks for sharing it !

Question; the article mentioned not to shame them bc every emotion is reason to drink. It doesn't matter how I say something to him it seems to cause shame and emotions. So how do you hold them accountable then? I can say to him (in the nicest way) " I really need your help please, we are financially strapped." His response will be I'm a loser, or if he's been drinking before I realized it hes offended... either way its reason to drink. So how do we say anything to them at all???

Newlywed24, Good point and I'm still trying to figure that one out myself ~ My AH is so hard to talk to.It seems no matter what I say or how I say it he gets offended or totally just acts like he is on an emotional or physical overload, For example and this had absolutely nothing to do with his drinking at all, except for the fact that he neglects or just can't deal with regular maintenance of our home anymore ~ Anyway, yesterday I noticed termites flying out from our home..So I made sure I didn't tell him about this as soon as he came home from work (Yes we walk on egg shells don't we!) Instead I gave him some relax time and when he seemed settled,I calmly told him that I had sighted termites around the outside of the house and **BAM** He started screaming at me saying "It's always something and what do you want ME to do about it?" and I told him to please calm down all that I was trying to do was tell you that we had a problem with termites that we need to address. It seems an alcoholic has trouble addressing or dealing with anything...And always respond as if they are on emotional overload and just anything and everything totally stresses them out . Maybe it's their own inner guilt and shame that they hold within their souls that causes these kind of responses. Deep down inside they are ashamed of themselves because they know that they are not handling things as they should due to their drinking...Leaving them feeling worthless and ashamed ~They are no longer in control of themselves the alcohol now controls them and they feel or should I say know that they cannot control that.

Exactly!!! My husband can't handle any normal life hiccups. It's like being married to a little child with no real idea how to cope with adult things. Plus you nailed it when you wrote about the guilt. I get so mad bc the drinking makes him lazy. That's a huge peeve of mine. He doesn't work and I come home to a messy house, but he thinks it's clean so I can't start cleaning bc then he's angry. I can't plan anything with him bc he either forgets or finds excuses not to do it. I'm the only person in the home who is grown and its frustrating. He was not like this when we married. Matter of fact he was pretty awesome at keeping up with things. They think they have stress but actually we are the ones carrying the load. I want my husband back! I hate this disease!!!!

My husband is also a child at best when it comes to any sort of troubling situation. Conversation is always so difficult. After many years I have had to adjust in this way: I say what I need to say, if I'm angry and momentarily insane.... So be it. If he is uncomfortable with whatever the crisis du jour is .... So be it. Then I move on. Screaming ,yelling, crying etc just closes him down and upsets me. In the end, I take care of myself and let him sort out his own messes. ( that sounds great doesn't it? I'm not perfect at it but I have made it a goal) YES I am ANGRY that all the scary stuff he runs away from lands on my shoulders, but I am under no obligation to carry it all for him. So I pick and choose. It must suck to be him.... I've come to realize he is filled with shame anyway.
I loved this article.... Pick apart those "rules". One day I realized that I could break those rules and nothing bad happened to me, in fact I started to grow!

I agree my husband stay upset at the smallest thing he gets so flustrated that he
Causes more problems for himself. He has so much drama going on
In his world everyone is out to get him and he pulls everyone in his bottomless
Pity put. I try to listen to him as much as I can but
I eventually have to walk away. For my sainity
I hear him talking to himself all the time I guess he
Has so much to say but he is constantly putting people
Down which bug me to no end.

.

I think it's all too common that we end up playing the role of mom/nag to our man-child. My 36-year old AH likes to smoke pot, is unemployed, his room is a total mess (yes, we sleep in separate bedrooms) and resembles a petulant, selfish teenager all too much. I nag him all the time, so this article really resonates with me - the ABCs of being a codependent. It made me laugh out loud and I know a few years down the line, hopefully this won't be too painful.