Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hi everyone...
I just joined this group tonight. I was on a mission to find a support group...I hope this one works for me. I thought that an online group would be a good starting point for me, because I have serious anxiety around people that I don't know...and an actual support group would make me very uncomfortable.
A tiny bit about myself: I am 31 and the mother of three great kids (from a previous marriage, ages 11, 10, and 8. My husband and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Meeting my Kam was one of those movie moments...the INSTANT that I saw him, I knew he was mine. I know, sounds corny. I never believed in love at first site until Kam. Others who have experienced it know exactly what I'm talking about :) When I first met him, he hid the drinking from me. I knew he drank...just didn't realize how serious it was until we moved in together.
The kids and I finally left Mother's Day weekend this year. I was at a breaking point. The kids were falling apart, I was forgetting who I was because life revolved around trying to be a good wife and keep Kam as safe and sober as possible...being a good mom and protecting my kids as much as I could from his drunkeness...being a full-time student...being a full-time working parent. I was spread too thin and Kam's alcoholism was just too much to take anymore. I couldn't take being only important to him when it was convenient, while making a drunk a priority in my own life.
After the kids and I left, Kam had a few weeks of drinking himself into oblivion. Then, he decided to join AA. I'm sooooo proud of him, he's doing great. July 27 will be 60 days sober for him. A lot of people say "Who cares! 60 days?" Well, I care! It's a starting point. The kids and I were important enough to him that he realized something had to change. He also has come to realize how important his family is, how close he was to losing our house and his job, how close he was to killing himself.
With all of that being said, here's why I joined tonight:
I'm lost...totally and completely lost. The only man I know is the drunk Kam. I rarely saw him sober I've come to find out. Even when I thought he was sober, I've come to find out that he was drinking...just not as much. He had an incredible tolerance for alcohol, which I'm sure is nothing new to you other spouses. I love him...love him with all my heart, and I'm slowly learning to love the newer Kam...but it's HARD!
I wait every single day for him to say he's sorry for what he did to the kids and I...and every day I'm disappointed. He hasn't said it.
He has developed an incredibly close relationship with his AA friends...and I'm jealous. I am the odd one out at all social gatherings with them, because I am the only one in the bunch who isn't recovering. They have a bond that I will NEVER have with my husband and I can feel that. I'm jealous of the tiny little 19 year old girl that's always around that he caters to (NO, I do not think that he has or would ever do anything with her), yet ignores my needs or wants. I'm jealous of the hours and hours per week he spends at AA. That's a double-edged sword...I'm thankful he goes, but so jealous of the time. We don't live together and I miss him tremendously...I barely see him or spend time with him. I feel like he should be making things up to me and the kids, not spending every waking minute being with, worrying about, and catering to his AA friends.
With that last paragraph being said...I know that it's all wrong. I know that in my heart. I know that I need to be loving and patient. BUT IT'S HARD! He doesn't acknowledge that what I'm going through is difficult too. He just expects me to be there.
I don't know what else to say right this minute. Just upset after another social gathering where, once again, I was the odd one out. So difficult.
I just joined this group tonight. I was on a mission to find a support group...I hope this one works for me. I thought that an online group would be a good starting point for me, because I have serious anxiety around people that I don't know...and an actual support group would make me very uncomfortable.
A tiny bit about myself: I am 31 and the mother of three great kids (from a previous marriage, ages 11, 10, and 8. My husband and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Meeting my Kam was one of those movie moments...the INSTANT that I saw him, I knew he was mine. I know, sounds corny. I never believed in love at first site until Kam. Others who have experienced it know exactly what I'm talking about :) When I first met him, he hid the drinking from me. I knew he drank...just didn't realize how serious it was until we moved in together.
The kids and I finally left Mother's Day weekend this year. I was at a breaking point. The kids were falling apart, I was forgetting who I was because life revolved around trying to be a good wife and keep Kam as safe and sober as possible...being a good mom and protecting my kids as much as I could from his drunkeness...being a full-time student...being a full-time working parent. I was spread too thin and Kam's alcoholism was just too much to take anymore. I couldn't take being only important to him when it was convenient, while making a drunk a priority in my own life.
After the kids and I left, Kam had a few weeks of drinking himself into oblivion. Then, he decided to join AA. I'm sooooo proud of him, he's doing great. July 27 will be 60 days sober for him. A lot of people say "Who cares! 60 days?" Well, I care! It's a starting point. The kids and I were important enough to him that he realized something had to change. He also has come to realize how important his family is, how close he was to losing our house and his job, how close he was to killing himself.
With all of that being said, here's why I joined tonight:
I'm lost...totally and completely lost. The only man I know is the drunk Kam. I rarely saw him sober I've come to find out. Even when I thought he was sober, I've come to find out that he was drinking...just not as much. He had an incredible tolerance for alcohol, which I'm sure is nothing new to you other spouses. I love him...love him with all my heart, and I'm slowly learning to love the newer Kam...but it's HARD!
I wait every single day for him to say he's sorry for what he did to the kids and I...and every day I'm disappointed. He hasn't said it.
He has developed an incredibly close relationship with his AA friends...and I'm jealous. I am the odd one out at all social gatherings with them, because I am the only one in the bunch who isn't recovering. They have a bond that I will NEVER have with my husband and I can feel that. I'm jealous of the tiny little 19 year old girl that's always around that he caters to (NO, I do not think that he has or would ever do anything with her), yet ignores my needs or wants. I'm jealous of the hours and hours per week he spends at AA. That's a double-edged sword...I'm thankful he goes, but so jealous of the time. We don't live together and I miss him tremendously...I barely see him or spend time with him. I feel like he should be making things up to me and the kids, not spending every waking minute being with, worrying about, and catering to his AA friends.
With that last paragraph being said...I know that it's all wrong. I know that in my heart. I know that I need to be loving and patient. BUT IT'S HARD! He doesn't acknowledge that what I'm going through is difficult too. He just expects me to be there.
I don't know what else to say right this minute. Just upset after another social gathering where, once again, I was the odd one out. So difficult.
I am now in a much much better place. I have rough moments, however, I am getting through them better and better. Alanon has helped me enormously.
Please be gentle with yourself. Take it moment to moment, minute to minute--when that is all you have in you. Trust that in two years, you will also be in a significantly better place than you are now.
((((HUGS))))
But, with all of that...I think maybe Alanon would be a good place to vent my frustrations and feelings concerning his journey. Like I said in the original post, I'm so thankful that he's going...I realize that he may stumble, that they odds are against him. I realize that. But, he's going and making an effort. With all of that though, like my original post said, I'm still frustrated with the process. I feel neglected and forgotten some days...I realize that we don't live together, but it's hard to make the transition from wife and caregiver to someone who lives across town. I don't know my place right now. Maybe Alanon can help me with that...
Al Anon is the most non-bossy thing ever. Sure, there may be some really uptight people running it sometimes (recovering codependents) BUT, the program itself.. very easy going and soft.
Al Anon was founded by the wife of one of AA's founders it's all about supporting the wife and family/friends of the alcoholic and the nightmare they went through and the growth everyone is experiencing while the AA recovery is occurring.
There often are Al Anon and CoDA meetings that are held simultaneously or before or after the AA or NA meetings.
Thanks for the heartfelt post, hang in there.
The more I read your posts, the more I realize we have in common with our situations. I am also 31, and a Mom... I have 2 boys - 3 in October, 4 months. I also fell madly in love with my husband very quickly - and he recently told me that most of our marriage he's been an alcoholic - and I didn't know it.
This is all very new - he had a withdrawal seizure in July (his brother and I saved his life) - and I didn't know what was going on with him... and I feel like my entire world was turned upside down.
I can't leave our boys with him at all - I went out to Target 1 night and he got drunk watching them - where my 3 year old was running around like crazy at 10:30 at night, and our 4 month old was screaming for his bottle and our house was trashed... the next night I went upstairs to watch TV by myself, and my 3 year old came walking into my room - his father was drunk and passed out on the couch. I felt like the world's worst mother... I have yet to go to Al-Anon because I don't think I will be able to relax and focus knowing he's alone with our kids.
My husband is also in AA and I am very proud of him - and I have started to get a bit jealous that he's getting out of the house and "socializing" with his AA buddies and on the phone with them while I'm at home with the kids. I wonder if he'll ever find time for me again, or if this is my new reality.
Thank you for posting your stories - I really can relate to them, and if you ever need someone to chat with, feel free to contact me.
As far as the Alanon meetings...I have not found a good fit for me yet. I went to one meeting, and was disgusted with the group and the way it functioned. I am trying another one on Sunday. I was also worried about what to do with my children if I went to certain meeting times, because I don't have many babysitter options. I don't leave the three home together because it turns into a bloodbath...I have one son that has some behavioral and developmental issues, so leaving them home together isn't an option for me. That's part of what kept me away from Alanon for a while...I HAVE to work to support the kids and couldn't afford to miss work to attend meetings. I did finally find one that meets on Sunday afternoons tho...and I was told that I could bring my children. I guess this particular meeting makes accommodations for children...maybe you can find a meeting like that so that you don't have to worry about your babies for that hr?
I've calmed down a tiny bit when it comes to the socializing with the AA friends. I've seen such a transformation in my husband just in the last month. There are still a lot of issues, a lot of struggles that we have, a lot of work to do, a lot of resentment that I still hold on to. BUT, we are working on it. He and I had a heart to heart discussion a week or so ago, where I told him exactly how I felt...that I felt left out sometimes, that I felt lonely and lost too. That was a very important discussion for us...because we both let out a lot of feelings that we hadn't talked about yet. There are still some that I can't discuss with him yet...and I'm sure he feels the same way...but some came out, like the one regarding my jealousy of his AA friends. I understand a little bit more now. I am in a bit of a different situation, where we no longer live together, so my time with him is very precious to me...but I couldn't imagine being in your situation either.
I'm trying to start another type of group...but am so new to the site that I'm not 100% sure how to gain members. I've started on called Spouses of Recovering Alcoholics. I love this particular group, it has been very helpful to me...but there are times that I'm going through things that some of the women don't seem to quite understand, since their significant others aren't in rehab or AA. There seems to be a few different issues that arise during treatment :)