Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
My husband drinks so much he's never sober. I haven't been able to write about it because I don't feel like I can adequately describe how I'm feeling. But honestly, I feel like I'm going crazy. He's says he loves me but his actions prove otherwise. Then he says he doesn't know how I can feel that he doesn't love me. First of all, he ignores me constantly. He just doesn't respond to most of the things I say and he knows it bothers me. I'm sure he's doing it on purpose but he pretend he's not. I'm tired of pretending not to be mad. I'll be sweating and freezing all the time. I'm tired of not reacting to his drunken comments only to explode for a week and depressed to the point of wanting to die. We have three children who need me and he's verbally abusive to them but believes he's not....and I can't say anything. Or I'm just a huge bitch. We've been married almost 15 years and I wish I never met him.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. I think that the A's are really out of touch with reality. Their addiction has to keep itself alive, at all costs, so they just don't see how their choices hurt us. Their minds won't allow them to see it. I'm not sure an active alcoholic can ever be honest with themselves or others. Your H may, in his own limited capacity, love you. But it is limited, due to the addiction. He loves/needs his addiction more than he loves you. We come second to the addiction, always. My AH has flat out said that he doesn't want me to ask him to choose between drinking and our marriage. That's hurtful to hear, because we don't think with an addict's mind. We can't imagine choosing to drink over choosing to have a healthy marriage.
I, too, sink into periods of depression wanting to die. If living the way I am currently living is how it will be for the rest of my life, then I don't want to live. And that is the key, here. If I don't do something to change my situation, things will continue as they are, and that is unacceptable to me. So I have to change something(s) to make me want to live.
I don't think you need to pretend that you're not mad. You are mad. And you're entitled to your feelings. Can you channel some of that anger towards something that will be productive for you? Start working on a plan for your life and future with your kids? The A's may never become the parent to our kids that our kids really deserve. They simply may not be capable of it. So we have to find a way to keep our kids away from the harmful effects of the A parent.
This is a horrible journey to go through. I am sending prayers, hugs and strength while you navigate your way to a better place.
Hugs to you. We are stronger than we know.