Have you tried Al Anon? The group has really helped me understand a different perspective - I don't agree with it always but it does help to see things from another side. My AH refuses to admit he has issues - so it is hard for me to know where you are coming from, however, Alanon has really helped me detach his behavior from him (I do not like either very much as it turns out) and I am now able to decide what I am willingand unwilling to tolerate.
Hugs to you

Yep. To me, alcoholics are the most selfish people on the planet. But maybe it is too embarrassing or painful for your AH to acknowledge that his drinking hurt his family. Personally, I don't think they believe their drinking hurts others. When I mentioned to my AH how much his drinking hurt me and the kids, he said "why, I don't bother y'all or make you drink." I was speechless cause he makes life hell when he drinks. Even when he's not drinking, he's planning to, so we can never truly relax.

I remember watching a movie about Suzanne Summers life. Her father was a raging drunk and when he finally quit, he went to his retirement party and gave a speech about how proud he was that he quit drinking etc etc... He never once thanked or mentioned his family at all. Summers was furious. I forgot the name of the movie, but it had a lot of truths. I saw her in an interview one time and she said when she was a little girl, she used to fantasize that he was dead. So tragic for all of us who have to contend with this nightmare.

Aral...are you sure it even matters anymore if he is sober? Sounds like he has crossed a line with you and there is no going back. Are you telling him how his behavior is making you feel? With my first husband even if he had become a completely different person I dont think I could have stayed.There was just too many memories.I had started to hate him and I didnt want to be the kind of person that could hate..So finally I got out.I agree with yw,maybe al anon..or some counseling would help.

yw249, I did not see the Suzanne Summers movie but I read the book. It was called "Keeping Secrets". I remember I could not put it down, read it in a few hours, and then I could not sleep. I think I may check it out again, since it's been about seven years and my marriage changed quite a bit since I read it. I did not know it was a movie - I'll have to check that out too! There are not many movies for us wives/families of alcoholics to relate to.

It was a tv movie that came out in the early 90s. She played herself.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0102195/

You know, behind the AH, is a real person, who despite the drinking, was probably this way anyway. He sounds like a narcissist..I thought part of the 12 steps was to take ownership for how you've hurt others/make amends. He's too focussed on himself. Was he always like this, you may have thought it was caused by the drinking, but alcohol aside he might just be a completely selfish man? We also probably play into this given our behaviour, focus on them, not on us. Some of us have taught them our feelings don't matter because we've focussed so much on them. You deserve better…have you told him how you feel (if he's truly a narcissist it won't matter what you tell him)? I think this is a lesson to all of us is we all have to be careful, even if the drinking goes away and he's sober, it doesn't mean they'll be great husbands or even good human beings. We've probably blamed it all on the booze. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I recommend Craig Nakken's books about addiction. He has helped me immensely in the separation of the addict from our loved one. As humans with feelings and emotions that have been torn apart, we want validation and reparation from our loved one. So we tend to try to secure that when our loved one is sober. We feel they have returned to us after being away for awhile (possessed by the addict) so now it's time to fill them on on the hurt they have caused us. In reality, it is tearing down the self, and when the self is weak, it cannot say no to the addict. I am BY NO MEANS (and neither does Craig Nakken) blaming us for ANY PART of the addiction or addictive behavior, but he illustrates how it is a family disease, and a cycle fueled by guilt, shame, loss of power, attempt to retrieve power, etc. The book titles are 1)Addictive Personality and 2)Reclaiming Your Family from Addiction. My AH is currently meeting with an addiction counselor and he reads parts of these from time to time and we discuss our family disease in the language I described above (Self vs Addict).

I hope this is helpful. I agree that our AH act so selfishly, but I always try to remember that a major victim is my beloved husband who is being controlled by something so powerful within him, so he has trouble standing up for his own SELF, let alone mine.

BTW, I am currently having a good day with my AH, so this "insight" is so very positive. My response would probably be totally different on a bad day.

I also wanted to say that I may have a different perspective in that I have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 10, and his AH behavior began 5 years ago. So I have seen my husband WITHOUT the addiction. Perhaps that is what enables me to keep trudging along on this rollercoaster ride.

Hello all. Thank you for your replies. He is a very selfish man. He only cares about himself and never considers others feelings. I ended up filing for divorce and getting an order of protection last week. He was furious when he was served and I am now labeled as the evil one by him and his family because he can't go to his house where he pays half the mortgage. He had already moved out two weeks ago when we decided to at least separate. We tried counseling where he would swear to change and he took full blame for everything. But after he moved out he started blaming me for "living in hell" and threatening his sobriety. I know I haven't done anything wrong and I am finally looking out for myself, but his actions right now hurt. I hope I can get through this and don't regret my decision.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but at least you will have the space and time to heal and move forward.

I was able to get an order of protection against him based on his past abuse. He was served with that and the divorce papers last week on Thursday. He has already been very vengeful by turning off my cell phone, cable, internet. I am sure he is going to do everything possible to make this divorce unbearable, just like he did during our marriage. I am just trying to take it day by day.

Hi aral - sorry to hear you are going through this. Your husband and my wife sound somewhat similar in terms of the selfish, narcissistic behavior. I've got two young kids, which puts a whole new angle on things. Also ended up doing the restraining order, getting emergency sole custody of kids, and ultimately filed for divorce. She still doesn't see beyond herself, even months into this process. At first, even though I knew I was doing the right thing to protect my kids, I still felt bad, and questioned following through with the divorce part of it. However, recently found out she's still drinking, and possibly escalated to harder drugs, all the while touting to her family, friends and the court that she's doing great and is sober. All lies. And she still hasn't even acknowledged how this has hurt me and the kids. I know now that I've made the right decision, as painful as it is. In the long run, I know I will be a better person and father as a result. I just never thought this would be my life.

Naiveanddeceived - I have to agree about feeling that I will be better in the long run. I know my husband is out making me to look like the bad guy for getting the order of protection. But if he actually stopped to think about the situation, he would realize his own abusive past actions are what resulted in the order of protection. His family never takes accountability for their actions. His most recent actions have consisted of him disarming and arming my alarm system from his cell phone in order to scare me. So now I am waiting to get the IP addresses from the alarm company and I will have him arrested. He cannot just let this go because he is so vengeful over me keeping him away from his house on which he pays half the mortgage. I hope the alarm company gets me the IP addresses soon because the police said he cannot be arrested without them. For now I am just sitting and waiting....