I am not sure if you are fimilar with alanon. But i learned the three C's.
You cannot change, control, or cure the alcoholic. The alcoholic has to want ro get help admit theres a problem and actively seek recovery. The person has to hit their rock bottom and seek treatment.
Whats best is if you stick to bounadires and let him know how you feel and what you are not willing to put up with. Its scary becauae you dont want to loose your husband but at the same time if there arent boundaries, they will keep pushing on with alcohol. And the other side is, they may never choose recovery. It might never happen. Thats when you have to start living your life for yourself. Keep living and moving forward.

I felt that once i set my bounadires and kept moving forward is when my husband woke up and realized he was going to loose his wife and two children. Maybe that was his rock bottom.

Thank you CeeCee. May I ask if you have any advice on boundaries that you set that worked well for you? I've tried making rules for him but they don't work he does what he wants. The only boundary I'm able to set is to not be around him when he drinks like that. But then I'm home when he comes home from drinking and is a different person yelling at me and saying hurtful things.

I don't know if I can give advice but I feel like you are describing my AH , although he won't admit he has a problem which is very frustrating esp with 2 children he had a bad black out seeked hel for a bit but if I'm honest I think that was only to "keep me quiet" I agree with you in the lies it's so horrible you really feel do you not matter my ah still sri k drives tho I try everything in my power to stop he hides cans of beer in the car then denies about it goes to pub and lies about it he also didn't go to work one day but told me he had and went on a drink binge for the while day came home drunk , he also was meant to take myself&children shopping and we couldn't go as he had been drinking and I won't get in the car when he is drinking he tried to lie that he hadn't been drinking but I knew he had I don't know if they think we're stupid or what I' even can't go away at the weekend to visit parents r my friends because I know he would spiral out of control , it's annoying we have to "wait" until they hit rock bottom, Ceecee is right you can't control or cure them instead of saying you can't do this r that I have learnt to go ok go ahead but I would rather you didn't Saturday are usually the worst he goes to the pub comeshome starts an argument so he can stay out later and he is very mean he has even broken u with me just to go on s bender which is one of the most hurtful things he did and yet we just have t sit by and wait I wish there was something we were able to do to push them into seeing sense but unfortunately we can't we have to wait until they hit rock bottom

Bounadires for your standards meaning, "i dont want to live like this. You need to seek treatment and quit drinking or this marriage wont work. I dont want to be married to an alcoholic. I will stand by you all the way, but if things dont change, i cant stay or the kids."
I also told my husband no drinking while with the kids its not safe. I just made it very clear that if sobriety didnt happen, i was choosing to leave. He knew i was serious and setting myself up to be a single mom. We, the wives, are worth so much more. We deserve to be treated with respect. We deserve to be free from emotional abuse. We desreve a nonalcoholic husband who can be present for the family. An alcoholic is not kiving for his family he is married and in love with alcohol, it comes first. Family should be first. We and our children deserve better. Never forget that <3

Sue - I am sorry for what you are going through. They do sound similar. It's very hard. I take a similar approach of "i can't stop you but this isn't good" and he has made progress and will apologize when he is sober. He is two different people. I used to be afraid of going away but now I just do what I want and can't put off what I want in my life because of his addiction. I am there for him but as you all say, we need to just wait for him to have his own bottom and/or realization. I try to focus on the progress he has made and my life outside of my marriage.

CeeCee - thank you. I have spoken with him specifically about being present for me. We do not have kids and will not be having kids, but I am still his family and you're right. At my insistence he has cut back on the clubbing and cocaine and weekday drinking but he has slip ups and as you say, he is in a relationship with alcohol that I will never live up to. He goes to a therapist who we sometimes see together, and the therapist is a great resource. I' am currently working with the therapist to encourage my AH to seek alcohol treatment and to quit drinking but for now all he can commit to is "moderation".