I know exactly what you are going through. I wish there was an easy answer but there isn't. Personally, I stopped asking how much because it doesn't matter really once they are drunk the amount it took to get there is irrelevant. I am more concerned with if he is druk at all which I can tell just by taking to him most times. My Boyfriend/ best friend, is an Iraq Vet, he has PTSD and uses booze to self medicate. He can get very unpleasant when he drinks too much, and I try to just go to bed. I found that fighting it made it worse so I disengage. I will try to distract him with TV and I listen to him when he cries but when he feels nasty is when I have to just stay in the other room so I don't let him engage me in unpleasant dialogue. I wish I could say that it makes a difference but I don't know that it does. I am here because I am afraid to tell anyone how bad it is and I know everyone will expect me to drop him because we aren't married but it isn't so simple as that. Anyway, I guess that isn't very helpful, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

Thank you for that it helps so much to know I am not alone. My husband lost his brother to cancer in 2015 and he has never let himself heal. When he is drinking He always throws in my face times that he was with me that he missed out being with his brother almost like he is blaming me for his brother. It hurts because I was there when his brother was diagnosed and I am an oncology nurse so it really hurts that it goes so far that he feels he must criticize my character and the job I love so much to make himself feel better. When he is drinking I can't even talk to him....there isn't even a way to get a word in. He is loud and obnoxious and starts to become physically and verbally abusive. I know everyone around me says just to let it go and to walk away but that is much easier said than it is done. How can I walk away if I am the only one that has helped him and the only one he has. Sometimes I think that I am wasting me life....do you feel that way?

I know it isn't easy to walk away from a relationship. But you need to give this problem to him. He is the one that makes the choice to drink and hide from his issues. If he doesn't want to change or get the help he needs, there is nothing you can do or say to change his mind. He has to want it with every ounce of his being and do the work himself, to make changes. I got to a point in my relationship where I had to detach myself from the situation. It was the only way I could continue to stay and handle the abuse. Mine wasn't physical, or I would have left years ago. When they are drunk whenever they are with us, how can we have a mature, grown up conversation? So, we barely talk about anything of substance, let alone about our relationship. But that is just the point I've come to, dealing with this for 18 years. Yes, feeling like we are wasting our lives on someone who doesn't want to change and fix themselves or face how they have treated us and try to make amends for it.

I don't want to feel like I have wasted my life. I am also tired of getting blamed like it's my fault that he drinks and does the things he does. How do you keep those things from getting to you when you know they aren't try? I don't know how to just walk away and I don't know why because Deep down I know walking away is really the only Thing I can do because I can't help him.

Look at his actions and words. Step back from the situation, like you are an observer of the scene. He is just a child in a mans suit. He is throwing tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He says and does hurtful things to control you and the situation, because he knows deep down, that he doesn't really have any control of anything. Try to practice not reacting when he says hurtful things. If you have a support system, talk to them after an outburst, to remind you that it isn't your fault, to remind you that you are the sane one and he is not. Write in a journal, all the things he says and does and how you know what is real and what isn't. I've had years to hone my self preservation skills. It can still get to me, but I don't dwell on every little thing he says, as long as I have in the past. Imagine, that the insult is rolling off your shoulder onto the floor, or flying away into the breeze. Don't let it take root in your soul, to grow into something ugly. Although, at times, I feel like all these years have been wasted, there is no other way that I would have grown as strong as I am. I realize my worth, that I don't need a man in my life, to feel worthy of anything. I am strong, capable, a warrior, a survivor. I can survive and conquer life, while I see that my AH is not capable of that. He uses alcohol to run away from any challenge in his life, I usually run towards a battle, knowing that I can overcome and be victorious in anything that comes my way. You are stronger than you know. You are beautiful, capable and compassionate. Don't let anyone dull your shine.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Know that you are not alone. I think many of us have started out where you are. Arguing, yelling, grilling, just trying to get our AH to snap. It's not that easy...Alcoholism is a disease. Depending upon how long your AH has been drinking and how much he consumes a day he may not be able to just stop cold turkey without becoming ill. I stopped engaging with my husband when he's drinking. I walk away all together and go to bed. I give him unconditional love. I always let him know I'm here for him. My AH is a closet drinker so I don't really have to worry about public encounters only to the gas station for more liquor. Since I've taken this approach he seems to apologize more for his actions and recognizes his bad behavior. He's been going to AA meetings and getting better. I recommend a hobby he can do to release stress even excersising seems to help my AH. We seem to be having more good days than bad and hopefully they will all be good sooner or later. I'd say educate yourself on the disease. And first step is his recognition of HIS problem or he will never get better. I'm not saying this will work for everyone. But just try different approaches and avoid confrontations and talks when he drinks. That's not good for anyone. Good luck and God Bless!

How are you doing Madame? If possible, I recommend that you find a therapist for you or a sponsor in alanon. You might be in for a long ride on a roller coaster. I think every wife has to realize that the bad status-quo with AH is going to continue as long as he drinks and may get progressively worse. False hope is created when they promise to control/drink normally. They say sweet things and make promises that are sincere. But, the changes to their brain have already occurred and they can't keep those promises...not without abstinence and a lot of support from AA or another program. I regret not taking a drastic action sooner (like leaving with the kids). My husband would have been released from the disease and children protected from the verbal abuse they suffered. Shame and hiding the true state of his drinking kept all of us trapped. Don't try to handle this alone...find experts on alcoholism to advise you. Do it soon.

I feel like my situation is similar. I have been married for a short 6 months but have been with my husband for 4 years. He drinks vodka AND takes pain pills for his back, which when combined, makes for a pretty bad mood. Which is almost every night. He drinks every day, but the bad days are when he drinks the vodka. He has never been physical with me, but he will get really mad at me for reasons I don't know and walks around mumbling and bickering, and sometimes cursing and yelling. I know he is buzzed and know it's not a good time to talk so I try to go to bed or just stop talking, but then he gets mad at me for not talking or accuses me of walking away. The next morning he usually apologizes and tells me he understands. But then a few nights later, it happens again. I honestly don't know what to do. Please let me know if you have any advice or tips.

Krissy: One of the symptoms of addition is that the addict will project or turn problems around to blame another person (you). You are not to blame for what he is doing. Listen to the little voice inside you...if you don't feel safe, you should go someplace safe. Walking away from him when he is wasted is logical. If your husband is addicted to pain pills and alcohol, your experiences with him are likely to get worse before they get better. If you can find an Alanon group, people there can help you find strength and give you support while you are living in this situation. Most importantly, don't assume that it's not that bad and you can deal with it on your own.

wifeykrissy

Oh my...minus the pain pills, this is my life. It is like this confussing spiral......We have these little arguments that blow up once the beer is added. I actually did not figure this out until 2 weeks ago. I finally saw the pattern: problem> run away to drink beer> say ridiculous things ( I react)> add more beer> say more stuff(I either fight back, stop talking or cry). If I cry, He apoligizes the next day only to start again within 24hours, becuase something has gone wrong, or I did not react how he thought I would. Now, apparently he has not had any drinks (antisocial garage drinker) and he is pushing me..... saying stuff like

what did I do wrong this time?
you seem angry
you seem mad
you have already decided is is over.....

etc.

I get to the point where I ask him to leave..... he is confussed as to why this has just happened...

HOw to let go of the arguing? For me this is the question of the century!!!! My husband is a .depressed Vietnam vet with ptsd , has many health problems and has several back surgeries. He is a child emotionally.
Learning Detachment : for too long I was thinking - what does that even mean?
So I have been trying different ways to approach it. I think the first and hardest lesson ( after 20+ years of fighting) is that no matter how much I love him and try to help or fix.... only he can do it. It is not my job and not my fault. When I come home from work and he has been drinking it is SO HARD to just smile and move on. Such a hard thing to do! Not to confront him. Hard to realize and accept that his addictions and actions have NOTHING to do with me, that being said it hurts that he cannot care about me actively.
I have found that our arguments are useless in every way and only serve to upset me and ( make my poor little dogs throw up). And to give my AH more reasons to resent and blame me.
The concept of detachment was very difficult for me to understand and even harder to put into practice, but when I am successful it's worth it.
Stay safe, take care of yourself, I send my ❤