Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

0 Online

hcbrooks 04/03/2021

This is the first time I have ever reached out in a support group of any kind, I am hoping this helps because I do not know what else to do at this point. My husband and I have been married for 10 years and I would say I was the happiest I had ever been for about the first 6 years and then we moved to a very small and rural town in the Colorado Rockies. I am talking 1 stoplight, 1.5 hours to nearest hospital or even pharmacy. At first I thought this was the most beautiful place I have ever gotten the chance to live in, but there is something toxic about this town and my husbands drinking, cruelity towards me and our daughter, have gotten out of hand. I do not leave the house anymore except to take my kiddo to school, go to church, and occassionally head out for a walk because I have just completely shut down. I feel trapped and literally have nobody because of the alcohol issue in this town. My husband says he is not an alcoholic because he only drinks beer (12-18 a night on a good night) and he runs a succsessful business and does not need to wake up with vodka in his hand in the mornings. However, the person he has become is someone I do not even recognize anymore. He is very good about NEVER getting behind the wheel if he has had even half of a beer, so I don't have to worry about him driving drunk at least. He also doesn't go to the bars (except for maybe 10 nights in a years time. He just gets off work and starts to drink and stays in his workshop like he doesn't have a family at all. Recently I have also fallen ill with 2 auto immune disorders as well as epilepsy (started out of nowhere) and my neurologist took my licnese from me, so now I really have absolutly nobody to help me get to where I need to be sometimes and I feel so alone. My daughter and I have become completely co-dependent on one another because she is scared of how he treats me so she doesnt leave my side for the most part and I feel guilty because I feel as though we have morphed into more of a best friend scinerio rather than mother and daughter. However, we are all that we have and we are ashamed of Matt's behaviour so we really only talk about it between the two of us. I do not know what to do anynore. I have tried everything from getting upset with him and yelling, to calling his mom, reading al-anon... I have called him names, recorded him when he is really being awful and almost anything else you could think of. I finally felt so defeated I started to immurse myself with our local Catholic Parish and giving my time to help the church and be there as much as possible because I feel like my last shot at trying to help him find who he used to be is to just pray as much as possible. I do not want to leave him because i know that he is fighting a disease, I also want to try everything possible to help before I consider leaving him due to me being Catholic and not agreeing that divorce is one of my options at this time. For anyone that reads this, I appreciate your time and if you have any advice you could offer I would appreciate it with all my heart. I miss the man I married. I just want him back.

DlMl66 04/14/2021

I am new to this group too. I don't have any advice for you but I wanted you to know a lot of what you wrote I am living too. I don't understand why they can't see what they are doing to their family, their marriage and themselves. I have done everything from yelling, to begging, to crying, to ignoring him but nothing makes a difference. I keep hoping and praying one day he will realize how much of his life he has wasted. For now, stay strong, have faith and continue to pray.

2Irish 04/18/2021

in stressful occupations the body finds ways to revolt. in essence if you don't say NO to more work, longer shifts, heavier responsibility your body will start sending signals telling you to stop what you are doing. The health issues you are suffering could very likely be a direct result of the incredibly heavy burden you are being forced to carry. New town. new neighbors. new lifestyle. new stress of owning your own business. stress of maintaining it successfully. new stress of the familial shift from mother daughter to codependency. stress of questioning why he is that way. stress of trying to figure out how to help. stress of religion and marriage vows. stress of questioning the last four years. stress of daily abuses.
there are no right answers, there are no good options. there are no suggestions anyone can make for you. all decisions must be made by you to protect you and your daughter.

until your HFAH realizes he has a disease there is nothing you can do accept accept and do not confront. I recall a fellow member making a statement that until rock bottom is hit and reality settles in - nothing will change. the mirage of 'life is good, everything is fine,' there is no need to alter lifestyles. this is a harsh brutal reality for everyone to accept.
collateral damage is devastating when addiction is involved.
I am sorry for your suffering. you are however in a safe place in this group and you are NOT alone - spiritually or physically (we are all here for you albeit online)

AlwaysWonder 09/05/2021

Your post really resonates with me as tears roll down my face. We've been married 12 years, the first half being amazing, welcoming 2 children, etc. Insert the last few years where he's had multiple career changes, shattered pelvis, unemployed for over a year, cross country move, etc. I too have cried, threatened, broken down and threatened to leave with the kids, I've left for a few days only to come home to his broken promises yet again. His promises to cut back or 'just stop' because he thinks he can. And yet he never does. It progressed to vodka quickly. He went from atleast making an effort to hiding in the garage all day, hiding his alcohol bottles, adding it to Gatorade bottles and anything else he could walk around the house with. I feel for you so deeply.
I told him about 6 months ago he needed to get a check up as hes jaundice, losing weight, not eating, etc. I told him something was definitely off. He of course never would go.
He just recently had a nose bleed that wouldnt stop for HOURS, ended up in urgent care and then hospital. His liver is in early failure. His enzymes and blood counts all were way off. They said if he ever touched alcohol again he would end up needing a transplant. I'd love to say this is his last wake up call and he wont touch booze ever again. It's been just 2 weeks and he hasnt drank, yet. I want so badly to believe him and trust him when he says hes done with it. But I dont. I've heard it all before so many times I am numb. I pray for him like crazy. I pray for our kids and our family. That we will find our way back to happy. That he will finally choose us over alcohol. Only time will tell.

All this to say, I hear you loud and clear. I feel your pain and I am crying with you. Huge hugs. Know that you arent alone. Keep protecting your daughter BUT know that you need to show her that life is more than this.

Join the Conversation