Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
So, for about a week now (since I last posted and got some great advice) I've been allowing myself to let go of trying to control my husbands drinking. I feel I'm getting too run down standing in the way of his problem. I mentioned before how I'm in a lot of physical pain now from chronic stress which has led to TMJ, chronic stiffness and muscle spasms in my body, anxiety, PTSD. I've also gained 80 pounds in the last 11 years from just stress eating and forgetting to focus on myself. So I took the advice and stepped out of his way. Since then he's continued on as he always has, drinking each night and leaving me lonely.
Yesterday evening I got brave and text him while he was out and asked if he'd like a little company for the night, wink, wink. You know, just trying to give him some incentive to not drink. I saw he read my text but I got no response. So 10 minutes passed and I wrote back, "I guess not." To which he simply responded, "maybe." Ugh! It hurt! He doesn't even deserve me and when I open up I get, "maybe". Anyway, I said nevermind and left it alone.
Later on in the evening as I watched him drink I got curious if he misunderstood me; did he think I was giving him my approval to drink when I said I'd get out of his way? Is that why nothing had changed? So, when I left him to his drinking and went to bed in the room I now share with my children, the loneliness overtook me, so I attempted to communicate with him again. I text him and clarified what I had meant when I said I'm getting out of his way. That I wanted him to make his choice between me and the drinking, NOT that I was giving him my blessing to drink. To which he simply replied, "Yeah, I hear you loud and clear." So, I guess I have my answer then. Ouch!
Yesterday evening I got brave and text him while he was out and asked if he'd like a little company for the night, wink, wink. You know, just trying to give him some incentive to not drink. I saw he read my text but I got no response. So 10 minutes passed and I wrote back, "I guess not." To which he simply responded, "maybe." Ugh! It hurt! He doesn't even deserve me and when I open up I get, "maybe". Anyway, I said nevermind and left it alone.
Later on in the evening as I watched him drink I got curious if he misunderstood me; did he think I was giving him my approval to drink when I said I'd get out of his way? Is that why nothing had changed? So, when I left him to his drinking and went to bed in the room I now share with my children, the loneliness overtook me, so I attempted to communicate with him again. I text him and clarified what I had meant when I said I'm getting out of his way. That I wanted him to make his choice between me and the drinking, NOT that I was giving him my blessing to drink. To which he simply replied, "Yeah, I hear you loud and clear." So, I guess I have my answer then. Ouch!
Controlling the drinking only prevents him from reaching his rock bottom. But more importantly, it prevents YOU from reaching yours.
The sooner you accept that you have no control, the sooner the truth will set you free. It will be painful, but won't be any more painful than what you have already endured. You are a soldier.
I am not 100% familiar with your story, but I already know he doesn't deserve you. Your children don't deserve to see him like this. Your children deserve their mom to be happy.
With every decision you make, can you ask yourself what the right thing to do is? The right decision, more often than not, is the more difficult decision, at least at first.
I think you should leave him. Anyone in this board who knows me knows I'm the one who thinks addicts are beyond saving. I think everyone should set themselves free. But I do not judge those who decide to stay. regrettably, I admit I do get a little judgy when my friends let the alcoholic continue to bring them down once they learn the truth about addict behavior.
Either accept him as he is, with boundaries. Or leave.
I say you focus on yourself, do things with friends or with the kids, and of course on your own. The biggest gains I've made are when I'm alone and have time to think things through. Always remember that you deserve better.
I have decided to stay .... Primarily for financial reasons. I'm very close to retirement and do not want to be forced into working longer due to divorce. ..... I have begun a full and satisfying life of my own. I coo at him to keep the peace and remind myself ( often) that since I have decided to stay, I need to find a way to make it work for ME.