Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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jms7229 08/31/2017

Not a good day at all! I have to admit that today's blowup was instigated by me. Ugh, how I hate it when I make a bad situation worse. First a short recap..... YEARS of alcoholism with all of its abuses, disappointments and damages to the people who loved him most! After I had had enough approximately ten years ago, and about 25 years of marriage I began confronting him, trying to help him, all the things we do , right? Little did I know at that time that I had gotten sick right along with him. I was now a raging codependent to his raging alcoholic/opiate addict. It almost destroyed me! But I put myself in therapy and found some support and I'm still standing, but the damage is done.

and here we are ten or so years later : too many broken promises to count, too many failed attempts at recovery, too many lies and too much manipulation. For a while over the last year or so I was able to handle things if he kept it out of my face. He does not work and is on disability due to back problems ( hence the opiates- marijuana- etc.)

i go to work to support us and keep the house going and he feels put out if he has to wash the kitchen floor

( because I am a pig, slob and lazy c*** and track things in when I walk in the door. He is tired of cleaning up after me????? Not sure what that means but I am not allowed to leave my one coffee cup out as I am running out the door to work at 7 am after walking and feeding the dogs...... enough, you all live a version of this

I really wanted to talk about the tragedy of addiction and how it destroys everything in its path. First I should take responsibility for what has happened to me. So I'm angry and resentful much of the time. I have no patience anymore for his bad choices, feel like a bitch and I'm filled with guilt. Ihave lost any sense of security I imagine some wives have. I am so freaking afraid to trust him. I'm tired of shouldering the financial responsibilities especially when I'm laying out $$$$$$ for his medical bills, medical marijuana, and paying for his health insurance. I feel lonely.

My husband has lost his moral compass. When I come home and he is stoned, clearly drunk or whatever I cannot always pretend and keep my mouth shut ( like tonight) and tonight was a doozy!!!!! Truth be told I can get completely out of control trying to reason with him or express my upsetment especially when I KNOW it's the wrong time to talk ( there is NEVER a right time ) tonight for example he came home from his therapy slurry, glassy eyed, all the triggers for me were there. And it's been every day this week. I just blurted out " did you drink today? " and shit hit the fan. And although I immediately knew I made a mistake, he went off calling me all kinds of names, telling me how much he hates me and wishes I was dead he went on and on. This kind of anger and frustration with each other is part of the tradgedy of addiction.

now here is the worst part.... late spring he found a great therapist, was put on some medications to lift mood and diminish addictive cravings IT worked. A pretty nice summer together! Then he bought me a condo I liked and we sold our home hoping to have a fresh start. It was the nicest thing he has ever done for me!!!! I was blown away by this unexpected act of kindness. He said he wanted to make up for everything he put me through. I believed him. Then some negative, red flag behaviors start creeping in..... oh no, I think is this just another bullshitty but expensive lie to distract me? I noticed he stopped taking that medication and is misusing other medications. Ugh.

CONFRONTATION ensues all the name calling ( I am apologizing for reacting inappropriately but I'm still a .... enter string of derrogatory words here) and it turns out he does not want to live there and is only going to shut me the fuck up!!! ( I did not ask for that condo, and asked him several times before we signed any contracts if it was what he wanted too. He said YES) he says he has hated me for years, I'm a moron, I'm lazy, I'm stupid, and I should go f*** myself ( lol a bit of irreverence here: fucking myself is the ONLY way I might enjoy that activity since he cannot perform)

you wonder why i stay? 37 years of financial entanglement. We have a fairly comfortable lifestyle, but dividing it up would leave me struggling and I'm not willing to do that.

So deeper into tradgedy.... I had begun to create a separate life for myself, and was drawn back this summer when things improved. And I'm thinking this : were going to a 55 and older community with clubs and activities. My opportunities to meet new friends and keep busy

have just expanded in a most convenient way. I fear he will be left behind.

more heartbreak I will be hiding most of the money in accounts he cannot access. Only bills and house hold money.... so I'm a stupid moron for supporting your habits and takiing your abuse?????

lets see what happens when the 500$/ month cash for medical marijuana goes to paying down debt and is not available at your whim Prince Charming ( who is sleeping off the over medication or booze he did not drink today.

thanks for enduring this Long rant

love to us all

learningpatience 08/31/2017

Man, i feel your hurt and your pain so strongly and I know what you mean. It has t. Wen that long for me but I KNOW. And you know the only way to feel good is to get out. After all this time there's no way this man is going to change unless something really dramatic happens and that seems unlikely.

I have to admit a lot of that bravado sounds like bullshit because I've heard those words too, I've been on the end of this. If you REALLY wanted to do something for me
You'd do what I WANT and not what you think I want. That seems to be a hallmark of alcolism. I sayyou should cut
Your loses
Or sock away as much money as you can and get out, if you can. I'd hate
To do it. But it's part of my plan, I have a three year old and we can't continue with the drunken episodes in front of her, she - we all - deserve better but her most importantly. You're strong, I can tell, but
You still need support. Lots of love
Your way!!

DSTRICK 08/31/2017

I'm so sorry for what ur dealing with. I do relate my AH and I have been married 30 yrs. The past 6- 7 yrs since my kids grew up n moved on with their own lives I've brought in a niece n 2 grand daughters to feel my void. I'm getting to old 2 bring in and raise more kids. The past year my resentment towards his drinking has gotten so bad. When he leaves for work in the am it's the man I feel in love with I kiss him good bye and tell him I love him. By 6 pm when I come home from work he's drunk. I walk in the door and walk past him, it's like a totally different man. A man that I can't stand to be around. I don't want to hear him talk. I feel so evil at times. I've tried to ignore to keep from arguing it works some nights. Until he gets tired of it. I can say that the past couple of months his out burst n arguing isn't as bad. Maybe me ignoring him? It's like he's afraid to argue. Unlike some alcoholics he doesn't call me names, he accuses me of running around n argues about the kids pets. Used to argue about money but money isn't an issue right now. He is a good provider but that's it. I get no help with our 2 grand daughters that we adopted last year 13 n 14 I do everything for them, work full time and do the family thing with our kids n grandkids.. I think of people who don't have a family to love them, people who don't drink yet these r the people that have it hard. 40 yrs of abusing alcohol u can see the damage on the outside u can see mental effects. I walked in on him grinding rib bones in the garbage disposal when I asked him what he was thinking? He looked at me with this childish look like he had no clue of what he was doing! The past month I've had him see a doctor for routine testing NOTHING! I'm not wishing bad on him, just can't believe his body, his organs are still going. How much does it take? When or how will he hit rock bottom? I to wonder why I've stayed? Why haven't I insisted he quit? I've always been afraid that he wouldn't choose me if I gave him a choice. Today I'm not sure if i would care that he didn't choose me! So many times I've had a way out but stayed. What was I thinking. No I don't want to give up everything g I've worked hard for over the past 30 yrs. So I understand how u feel. U would think they would leave just take ur bottle n leave. Why should we have to give up out home? Wish u peace and strength. Maybe 1 day wishes will come true.

CeeCee4 08/31/2017

They are so ugly arent they? I was repulsed by him when he was sloppy intoxicated. It was so disgusting, made me feel so gross. Thats how i feel reading what you have written. He sounds terrible. Im so sorry younare still involved with this man.
What about being able to support yourself once you are 55 and can by a home or condo in a retirement community? Then you can be on your own.
Hang in there. I know i dont want to experience this at all. Husband has been sober now 15 months or so and it has been ok. But lately i have been questioning him as a person even without alcohol. He is still selfish and self centered.

learningpatience 08/31/2017

Following ceecee's post, that's a good question... who are they without alcohol?even when we know them sober we don't really know them sober. I ask myself too. My SO has been on medication but also has been drinking still. Often I look at him and feel like I have no clue who this man is it's
Only been 4 years. How can I? So tough.

jms7229 09/01/2017

Thank you everyone ❤️. Your kind words of support mean the world to me aT this moment. The very fact that you understand, and offer validation so I do not get drawn too deep into his manipulations and lies.
He said things last night that I have never heard from him in all these years! Making me rethink my reasons foe staying AND as you have pointed out.... who the hell is he really? And what hurts most of all is that he seems to have no clue at all who I am. He knows just what to say to hurt me the most, knows all my fears and insecurities and goes for the throat, but never seems to see the woman who has stuck by his side ( sure.. I'm not perfect I know) but I have been there for him in every way possible . Because I always thought that EVERYONE needs love and acceptance and support. Now, the morning after..... I realize how one sided this has been. BUT how much I have grown and how strong I am.
If he does not like me, so be it! Someone out there might.
But for now... out. On my way! Those self help books again. Maybe a call to my therapist or a visit to al-anon ( ugh I hate al-anon) . I started to trust and relax and it was a mistake. Thank you thank you thank you.

learningpatience 09/01/2017

i wouldn't say it's a mistake to trust and relax (or to want to trust and relax), because that's what we're all looking for. i know i am. i can't wait for the day when i don't feel panic rising in my chest because he's gone outside. crazy, right?
he doesn't see the woman you are, he's too busy looking at himself! when the wool falls from his eyes he will realize what he's lost, but you are strong and wonderful and of course, there are people out there who will love and cherish you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. with respect and kindness.
personal development comes in all kinds of forms, you may want to try al-anon online if you don't like going in person. there's also a support group for codependents apparently. there are none in my area. i emailed to find out more but they never got back to me. i'd definitely be willing to do a group like that, for sure.
good luck and please keep us posted on how it's going. xx

LA2017 09/03/2017

Who are they without their alcohol.... I am learning that my husband on alcohol is a magnified version of who he is when sober. When he is intoxicated his lying, maliciousness, selfishness, narcissism is under a spotlight and theres more of it. It is still there when theres a moment of sobriety. I realized recently that sober these characteristics exist, I just accepted them when I should have expected more from a partner.

chelsea05 09/04/2017

can also relate to all of everything being said here. My daughter has just recently expressed to me she has always feared her father. he is not physically abusive but rather yells alot, loses his temper and is generally a very angry person because of alcohol. totally different sober. I call him jekyll/hyde. my daughter is grown and on her own, and I feel like the worst mother not seeing the fear she grew up with. she now avoids him, never comes around the house anymore and he thinks she hates him. I have told him she doesn't hate him but rather the man he becomes when he drinks. I wonder why they fail to understand that. His father was an alcoholic and he was afraid of him, just like she is afraid of her father. I like the title of this thread, the tragedy of addiction, how true. hugs to all of you.

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