My love , he always drank, I had no clue how far into insanity one could go with an alcoholic husband. ..I tried joining him, but was cured after 8 months. He never went to bed without a "wake up". Now, 21 years later...here's my story: the crazy, fantastic insane stories would fill volumes!. I still love him madly. I literally saved his life MANNNY times the first 18 years. I finally totally cracked and did a sure fire suicide. I'm a nurse. It's not possible that I lived and with no brain damage. So, I restarted life as a newborn spirit learning about and completely surrendering Every choice to God. I couldn't speak about the time with Mark leading up to my break with out heavy stuttering halted speech. I put him on a shelf. I knew I would kill myself if I went to him in his alcoholism . I always felt relief when I'd see him riding through town, or one of my family or friends saw him because I'd at least know he was ok. I couldn't let him in even a little bit because it would put me right back in that place. He is the love of my life! Sooo, my nephews had been telling me mark had started calling asking for me, sounding good, saying he stopped drinking about 3 ish months ago. Then I answered one day and it was him! But the dogs were barking, my mom was asking for help, AND my brother and his wife just walked in the door. So, feeling embarrassed that my family would judge me for being kind to him after everything, I just blurted out " I wish you would stop calling me completely! " he said "never?" I blurted yes! Never!. He sounded so sad and hurt! He said oooh kaay in a sad trailing voice and hung up. I felt so awful! I normally would have been encouraging to him, but said no to seeing him as I had for the past nearly 3 yrs. Since my breakdown. I figured he'd call again one day and I'd tell him I didn't mean it, and encourage him with life. I never got to tell him. He died! Alone! Found unresponsive on a sidewalk a thousand miles from our hometown 2 months after our last call!. I drove thru snow, took 2 trains, and 2 busses to see him! They said he died from pneumonia and kidney failure. ..when I got to see him, his right eye was bruised and completely swollen shut! That's the only eye he had vision in so was blind...the coronor didn't tell me he'd been beaten up. I walked out to the cabin he'd built for us today. I haven't seen it since my breakdown 3 yrs ago. It was beautiful and clean...I could tell that he really had slacked off his drinking. It just rips me apart after going thru all those years...and my last words to him of rejection. Alcohol is horrid stuff!!! I have a together, life now. I get to enjoy my grandchildren, teach Sunday school, work, life has been peaceful, I'm able to have many fun caring friends that love God. I had NONE of this before. But, man! This is a cruel end! My heart grieves! I have to add that I was able to pray a lot for him the past 3 years, and he has no chains of addiction anymore!