Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
When and if your AH gets sober, will they be the men we fell in love with? NO FUCKING WAY. He has said things to me that are way more cruel than anything he ever said to me when drunk. This evening after I served him his dinner because he has trouble getting up BECAUSE HIS LIVER IS FUCKED AND HIS BODY IS WEAK, he wanted me to stay in the livingroom with him. For years and years he couldn't wait to get me out of there so he could sit at his computer and get drunk. NOW, he wants to spend time with me. So I stay and he keeps snapping at me and at the dogs. We have a 6 month old puppy who's face could melt butter and my cranky dickhead of a husband keeps yelling at him to be quiet, don't bark, don't play, don't chew on stuff, BASICALLY DON'T BE A PUPPY.
Then HIS HIGHNESS decides he is going to nap in his chair while I am still out there and he says "good night" and rolls on his side in his chair like he does every night. I sat for a bit because I was watching TV and petting the puppy. He suddenly yells GET!!! He yells this at my dog who always licks his arm. I jumped and said, "Pepper is over here, she is not touching you" and he says "NO YOU!!!" I sat there for a few moments while his SOBER anger and hatred washed over me. He continued to lay on his side, never opening his eyes. I swear to God, I was actually waiting for him to say "just kidding."
About a minute later he rolls on his back and angrily says "FUCK!!! JUST KILL ME NOW!!!" Really angry and loud. I said "what are you yelling about?" and he sneers at me "I TOLD YOU GOOD NIGHT WHICH MEANT I WANTED YOU TO LEAVE, NOW I AM WIDE AWAKE AND WILL NEVER GET BACK TO SLEEP!!" I thought this asshole couldn't hurt me more than he has for the last 31 years, but damn, that felt like a slap.
An hour before this, I told him that when he yells and gets angry these days I get skittish because my father was a yeller and it really screwed with my head. To this day I walk on the balls of my feet because my father would bring hell and fire down on us kids if he could hear us walking. Then my AH does the very thing I asked him not to. I know, he's sick, he's in pain, he misses his booze. SO FUCKING WHAT!!! I MISS HAVING A COMPANION WHOM I LOVE AND TRUST. I MISS LAUGHTER. I MISS HUMAN CONTACT. I MISS GETTING LAID (though I wouldn't fuck him with my dog's dick).
Mind you, from the time he said GOOD NIGHT to the time he yelled at me to get out, was about 1 minute. His brain is pickled and his memory is is terrible, his mood swings are worse than PMS, and here I sit AGAIN, alone and seething while he sleeps peacefully in his chair. I got up angrily and said to him "YOU WANT ME OUT? YOU GOT IT BUDDY" and grabbed the dogs and went into my room. Betcha a million bucks he will not remember being cruel to me nor yelling at me later tonight. But fuck it. He can get his own water, and massage his own feet that hurt because his body is filling with fluid due to his liver.
Whew, I had to get that out or I was gonna choke to death. Thanks for reading my angry ramblings, my sisters in hell, but I don't have anyone to talk to about this stuff. Remember ladies IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH. They get sick and we lose our MENTAL HEALTH.
There are no words - we all suffer our own way but again at least we have each other in this one space and moment in time.
i believe that when these boys were in grade school if the teachers would have told them that 'if they go down the road of alcoholism they will be trading their 'parts' for a bottle, it may have made an impact on some of them. It seems that the boys are clueless how ....sad,angry,frustrated,shamed,annoyed,hurt,embarrassed,etc. it makes us feel as wives to not feel the touch of our supposed to be partner.
My HFA is like a young child - wants all the attention but does not reciprocate. He does not want to discuss anything in the real world = EVER! and of course when he is having too much of a 'reality check' (a.k.a. living in the adult world with bills, aging parents, children who want us to visit, a wife who works basically in the medical field 7 days a week for up to 14 hours a day so the housework is not done nor dinner on the table) he gets moody and snappy then just shuts down. yep - some life partner. i am tired of treading on egg shells so when he is grumpy i just say change your pants you got the grumpy pair on then leave the room!
But we cannot choose who we fall in love with but we do have a choice to respect ourselves and do not let them step all over our feelings. I've taken the resolution this year that if he wants food - he can make it. if he needs clean clothes he can wash them. if there are no clean dishes than he better wash some. The best part is that when his go to food items run out --- guess what he better go to the store to buy them because i am not going to try and keep track of his eating or drinking habits! I have way too much on my plate to be your momma. You are a grown man so grow up for my sake.
The drag of this all is when he does his half day of not drinking - usually because he drank his 30 pack and ran out - he goes to the fridge and grabs one of my imports or flavored beers then complains about it the entire time. He has done this twice in the last few days - MY LAST peach hard lemonade, they discontinued the flavor and i was saving that for a wonderful summer day. MY LAST pinapple hard cider. They are over $10 for sixpack so i savor them over several months. I cannot make cocktails for myself because about two months ago he slowed the beer drinking but went to the bottles of whiskey and so forth. drinks a bottle down to nothing then NEVER replaces them. It is MY BOOZE for ME to have a drink once in a while or for when friends come over. Where do i come up with the money to replace the stock only to have him drain it down again in a week.
you have the wonderful dogs there to keep you company and provide unconditional love - good for you. just remember their smiling faces when things get rough, they are sensing it too and need your love to reassure them it will be ok.
I think it helps us all to have a little sense of humor in it all. Do stuff for yourself whenever possible though! I know how selfish an alcoholic can be... Narcisist is often a term that comes to mind as well. Mine is all over the place. Some days he is the best the next day he is a nightmare so you never know what kind of a rollercoaster ride you will be taking once he walks through that door. After my last post a few days ago (when I threw the rest of his beers all over the garage and almost pissed in his whiskey) he decided he should stop drinking. Which lasted 3 days maybe? And they are so pleasant sober right! That was almost worse. Well maybe it’s time your husband’s toothbrush gets the toilet real clean.