This roller coaster ride is just too much to take. AH has had 2 DUIs and after being without a license for 2 years, now has a breathalyzer attached to ignition of his vehicle. He drinks straight vodka, so if he drinks on Saturday, it's still in his system and his truck won't start the next day. He has taken to drinking small bottles of vodka (easy to smuggle into the house and find a hiding spot). There have been times he has not been able to go into work as scheduled, cause it takes a couple hours for the booze to wear off so the truck will start. This happened twice after it was first installed, and I drove him to work. After that I said "No more - you drink, you deal".

I try hard not to be an "enabler". I don't make excuses for his drinking. My kids know what is going on, as they can clearly tell when he is under the influence. One Xmas we had a special outing planned with friends. He drank that afternoon and I told him he was uninvited. I was not going to drag along a drunk and be embarrassed in front of our friends. The same thing happened one Thanksgiving - he came home very drunk the night before and I was so angry I left him home the next day. Trying to teach him a lesson. One thing I learned from Alanon is that I am powerless against alcohol. That may be true, but I've tried to show him there are consequences to his drinking, but that doesn't keep him from doing it. A true addict.

I have offered to help him in so many ways. Therapy for depression, anti-depressants, AA, you name it and we have done it all, except for rehab. I have said to him several times, "admit that you can't stop on your own, and I will get you help - but you have to want it for yourself". He has never said that he wants help, and I know that that is the first step to recovery. Without him wanting it, I feel there is nothing else I can do for him.

I'm not sure which is best - to stay here and just do my own thing (focus on kids/job/friends) - or to divorce. We have 2 kids, ages 12 and 15. AH is not abusive when drinking, but we are all disgusted by seeing him under the influence, unable to hold a conversation, and so we just avoid him. Eventually he just passes out on the couch.

I am turning 50 soon, and can no longer see myself growing old with this man. Alcohol has changed him in so many ways. I'm torn between staying put, knowing that another 5-10 years could pass and then I'd be "starting over" at 55-60, and beginning divorce proceedings now. I think the older one gets, the harder it is to find that special someone.

I'm hesitant to begin divorce proceedings for a couple reasons... (1) I don't want to uproot the kids - having to possibly move and/or change schools. (2) I'm afraid if we divorce that the kids would have to spend time alone with him, and I would have anxiety while they are with him. The ignition breathalyzer is only required for another 1.5 years, and I know that he will absolutely drink & drive again. I think the 3rd time he'd get mandatory jail time. (3) I have put my heart and soul into the home we built and do not want to sell it. I make a good living, and could afford the mortgage myself, but child support would be needed. I'd hope to be able to stay in the house until my kids finish college. Does anyone have experience with this?

We have been living on this ride for 6 years now. When he's not drinking I see glimpses of the man I fell in love with. I miss the friendship and closeness we had, and sometimes feel overwhelmed by loneliness.

Thanks for listening to me -