Well, today I took a pregnancy test and it confirmed what I've been agonizing over for the past week and a half - I'm pregnant! It's still too soon to do jumping jacks and tell the family, I had a miscarriage in December  so I'm feeling very nervous about this because I have been having a hard time with conceiving since. Despite all the shit that is going on, I'm still thrilled. I've always wanted a second kid, and I feel like for me and for my daughter this is a GOOD time, I know my strengths now. 

I havent told AH yet. I'd love to, but this dolt decided today was a perfect day to take 4 of his new meds, clonazipine or whatever, and get high and on top of that... drink. I know he's an idiot. I'm surprised he hasn't figured it out yet. Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Maybe I could have kept my cool, be idiot went and promised the three year old they would go fishing by the river. :/ I know I'm not the only one with the instinct that says, UM, NO. So I was going to go with them, if only to make sure she was ok. But that turned into a huge fight, because "I wasn't invited" and "I just wanted this to be something for me and her". He decided he wasn't going to go, poor daughter, saying let's go now! He says, no mommy ruined it. Ladies, I should have just walked away from him there I fe,t my blood pressure rising and I'm already terrified of the effect of anxiety on this pregnancy - I have at least one hormone related anxiety attack a day. He keeps saying I ruined it, and I yelled, "DID YOU DRINK TODAY? You ruined it." He threw his fishing license at me. I grabbed the rods and took her too the river.

when we get back his mom tells me the idiot grabbed his pills and was going to down the bottle - this is where I sympathize with some of you, because part of me feels like if that's what you want to do go ahead and stop wasting our effing time. He says again he just wants to die when literally 8 hours earlier he said to me it was thr first time I. He couldn't remember where he DIDNT want to die. So, we see exactly what alcohol does to his brain. He decided he wants to "talk" to me, which is really him just trying to debase me, and make me wrong because I "had an attitude and was condescending". Ok, drunk ass. I said, "you came home compromised. If I ever feel like our daughters happiness or safety is in jeopardy, I'm going to intervene." He kept trying to change the subject as they always try to do, keep making me wrong, but I kept bringing it back. If I EVER feel like she is unsafe, I will step in. 

Lots of idle threats to our safety after that. I don't believe him anymore, I think his mom (who knows about the pregnancy) may have let something slip and he may have been considering it but he stayed to himself. Also brought up the, "we should break up" bull shit he always brings up, because it's nice to play the victim card when you are out around people who don't know the whole story. I said, as I always say, if that's what you want then go ahead. I'm not going to be the one to make his choices for him, I'll leave if he doesn't stop but he will NOT make me the bad guy. I also said he should sleep on it. Guess where he's sleeping? On the floor in the den. What an embarrassment. Admittedly, this is a far cry from what we have dealt with in the past but I absolutely ABHORE this man when alcohol is involved, hate is just not strong enough a word. 

Im venting right now because I don't want to stew on this, I want to do my best to remain so calm and stress free as possible. So early night for me, some sleep meditation and maybe I'll be productive and less angry tomorrow. Night ladies, I can't even begin to express how much it means to have this group, even virtual. To be able to talk to people who are in the trenches with me, I'm so grateful I could cry (but I won't, gotta save that for the random stuff)