hello everyone. I have been taking a break from sharing, but you all are never far from my thoughts...I won’t tell the story of my difficult week with AH, or the inevitable short but intense argument we engaged in tonight. I’m sure you have been in the same shoes to many times to count. But I will tell you that I have through four therapists in the last ten years or so, have attended al anon in person and on line and  am currently in the Love Over Addiction online program and involved in their face book support group. So I am well aware of all the “ treatment “ instructions for codependent spouses of alcoholics. I came home to a husband who was clearly drinking ( again), and had difficulty detaching ( and I couldn’t find the energy to pretend ). He noticed right away and pushed one of my buttons, but I took a breath, spoke my truth without drama ( well, initially anyway) , took his bait and allowed myself to engage, but shut it down as soon as I felt myself escalating. Afterward I realized that I was just fine, had not descended into copependent hell, nor did any of the usual bullshitty name calling and raging nastiness he threw at me touch my sense of self. Yay for me you say. Well maybe yes and maybe no. He’s passed out since 7:30 pm and now it’s 3 hours later and I have been sitting and feeling the crazy creep in.  According to the advise of the programs I should not have confronted. I should “ stay in my lane”, detach, not engage, do something for me, etc. Don’t confront because it causes them to feel shame and guilt. It justifies their drinking I’ve been told. But then I’m told nothing I do or say makes a difference.  Okay fine. I get it, I understand, and I do understand that all the boundaries, detachment etc are for ME to find peace outside of their addiction. It keeps fights from occurring and escalating. And yes, yes, when I, myself, behave.... things are more peaceful here. And since I am financially entangled at age 62 and ready to retire, I choose to stay. My Choice. So I try to follow the “ rules”. I am a recovering codependent. And let me tell you it’s hard work. Al anon, therapists and other support groups all tell the same hard thruths.that this is the situation, and these are the behaviors I engage in that make the situation worse. Okay so just leave him be... don’t confront.... or dare to ask him for support or change and dont speak your truth because it will make him feel bad, or feel shame or feel guilt. WHAT? Do I not have to feel those very same things and deal with them? Does anyone tell AH not to call me names and threaten me when I show any signs of irritation? ( maybe-but as we know being drunk is a game changer). So excuse the language here but he can call me cunt and whore and birth and crazy and hysterical and tell me to get the hell out and threaten to hit me...... but I cannot come home to say I’m upset and anxious because the drinking seems to be getting out of hand . Then he says that he does not like the way I say it, this coming from a man with the worst communication skills ever. So again ALL responsibility rests on my shoulders. All fault lies with me.   Ugh

anyway, I do set and try to keep my boundaries, I have learned the art of detachment, I am beginning to participate in and build a life of my own choosing. So the Therapies do work. But sometimes, just sometimes......