Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hi All,
It's been ages since I logged on here. That's because the man is sober. Yup, for the first time in his life he stop drinking going on 10 months now. I pray for all loved ones of addicts everyday though. I try not to forget the community, even though I'm not always in communication.
The struggle is real. I logged on today because I'm in a little fight with him and something told me to log on here. I remember the chaos in my life when I was a regular here. He is a different person now. He is starting to open up and talk to other alcoholics about soberity. It's a beautiful thing. I learned a lot about addiction and myself through Al-anon. I grew through the process and became a more forgiving, less judgmental person. That was a huge win for me.
That's not to say that you should accept everything they do. Stand your ground when it's reckless. But I don't take it as personally anymore.
Marrying an alcoholic brought a larger purpose to my life. I know it's bigger then me and my marriage now and I think it's something that people need to talk about more. It shouldn't be this shameful secret. Practically everyone knows an addict, so why are we pretending or not paying attention?
Anyway, much love wherever you are in the process. It can get better and you are a hero for that alcoholic or that child. It's messy, it's inconvenient but it's a blessing we are not addicts too.
Your line about marrying an alcoholic bringing a larger purpose to your life struck a chord with me. Although my husband remains in a life of chaos and drinking, I often find myself thinking that the growth I have experienced is worth the struggle of everyday life with this man. I find I am more tolerant of the faults of others. I've learned to remember that, just like me, most of us come out to the world every day with pain and difficulty and just a bit of kindness can help. And maybe most importantly... I can love my husband on the good days, and can try not to be swept up on the worst days. When ever I have thought of leaving him I have this true inner knowing that to abandon this very sick man would be somehow not right. So I constantly remember my boundaries, and have carved out a satisfying life for myself that does not rely on AH for my happiness.
He is lucky to have you. I pray he gets better soon. I saw how much of a struggle it was for my husband to get sober. It was heartbreaking at times. I couldn't leave him however much he tempted me. He was sick and I gained a new understanding of addiction.
Now my Al Anon family is just as true as blood. It's an incredibly personal journey and to have others that understand was more important then so many other friendships I had in the past.
I feel addicts are selfish and they let their addiction run their lives and run everyone elses lives around them. And even in sobreity it is always about them.
I guess im still healing from 12 years of crap. Its almost harder on everyone else around the addict then the addict themselves. And this is coming from myself, who once had addiction issues. Seeing it from both ends, loved ones suffer more.
Everyone has their own limits. 12 years is a lot to process. When I decided to marry my AH, I decided that I we were in this together. I've wanted out several times since, but I choose to forgive him instead. For me, I'm so happy I did.
It is a totally selfish life. I agree. Today, I was reminded that what is obvious to me, is not obvious to him though. Because they lack problem solving skills, you have to explain things you never thought you'd have to explain. Today I had to be vulnerable to get him to understand. That wasn't my first choice.
I forget though that no matter how long they've been sober, everyday is struggle. Everyday their circumstance could take them over the edge. So he's also vulnerable. He's selfish but to him, that's the only way he's going to stay sober.
I have different expectations of my husband because I know that he is taking baby steps to become more considerate of other people. He's not going to make a 180 degree turn and become a completely selfless person. I don't think that's realistic.
I can only suggest you forgive a thousand times over or it will hinder you moving forward. Good luck.
Definitely love connecting to so many women with common experiences on here. Glad I checked back in.