When my husband got sober for 3 years, we went through the same thing. He went to outpatient treatment and AA, then started filling his other time with being a youth group leader and being at the church 3-4 times per week. No time for the family, no dealing with the 11 years of living with the alcoholism and emotional abuse from him and putting everything on me to handle with the kids and our relationship. He was very self-centered and had time for everyone else but us. He thought that taking the alcohol out of the situation would make everything magically better. The truth was that at that point I was emotionally drained from all the years of neglect and emotional abuse. I was done. When he started drinking again, he blamed it on me not being understanding enough, not getting help for myself with a therapist and not appreciating things he had done to try and help out, which wasn't much and wasn't really a help.

I did tell him in the beginning, what I had put up with, but never felt like the issues between us truly got resolved, or that he really understood or wanted to make up for anything. I hope your situation is different and he is more attentive than my husband was. I may depend on how long he has been an alcoholic and if he is seeking therapy for the root causes to why he used alcohol to cope with life. If he never faces why he needed a crutch for so long and try to fix those causes, then he isn't fully going to be able to heal from this and truly beat it completely.

Work on getting therapy for all that you have been through, so that you can take care of yourself and be able to heal and move forward in life. And leave him to make the choices he is making, if he has no interest in working on or saving the marriage.

That's a shit appraoch. Forget about everyone else for a year and only concentrate on yourself?!?! Isn't that what the alcoholic has been doing for x amount of years? Being selfish? I think he needs to be aware of how you feel and I don't see why you both can start counseling together. It's a marriage. It takes two. And you both need to rebuild your marriage after alcohol has disrupted it.

Wow. I felt like I was reading my own story. Hello, I am new here, I just joined. Let me tell you that you are not alone in feeling that way. My husband has been sober for 3+ years, and I have felt exactly as you do. His world is great, he is talking to everyone feeling much better almost like therapy and you feel like you've been left in the dust. I still feel like I come 2nd or down lower on the list than his AA and his commitments, work, friends etc. He moves forward, but there is no looking back to pick up the pieces or fix what is broken in our relationship that is irreparably shattered. Look at my username. I am in a holding pattern and there can be no forward for me until we address everything that broke. My husband never did address ANYTHING with me. At his one year birthday or around then, he apologized for all of the pain he caused and said he appreciated me standing by him but that's pretty much it. He told me he can't keep reliving his past and going back because he is trying to move forward. I say copout, and yet I'm still here. Am I angry or resentful? Yes. Have I gone to counseling? Yes. Has he? No, even though he said he would and then we would go together. The marriage is low on the priority list. His sobriety is #1 and maybe always will be. The first year was the worst, I give you props for still being there. Honestly the irritability, mood swings, zombie going through the motions kind of personality did me in. But on the phone to his AA people he was chipper and cheerful and "of service" day or night. I still feel like they get the best of him and I get the leftovers. I don't know if it gets better from here or not, I wish I had more positive words to tell you it will be great at some point. I don't know. You're really not supposed to push him in the first year to deal with the relationship according to AA- if you're willing to hang in, my suggestion is once he passes that year, fight for the marriage counseling. Good luck.

Holdingpattern, my husband said and did the same things when he was sober, except he never got a sponsor. He thought that if he got rid of the alcohol, everything would magically be better between us. Except that since he was a drinking before we met, we never were able to build an actual relationship. So when he became sober, it was already too late for us. He had used up everything I had in me to give to him anymore. He had slowly, methodically broken me heart into so many little pieces, there was no love left for him. He apologized for his behavior and what he had put me through, and that was it. No digging deeper and really getting to the heart of the matter. I never really felt like the problems were resolved and he said that he didn't want to bring up the past and move forward, almost like none of it happened.

He was sober for three years and then something happened and he secretly started drinking again. It has been about three years since he started again. Now, we are just roommates. He barely spends any time with the boys and I could care less about spending time with me. I have gotten to the point of just living my life and taking care of the boys and I and doing the minimal for him. It is sad state to be in. Like you, I feel like I am in some kind of holding pattern. I wish the best for you and all of us struggling through this.