Please go to an al anon meeting in your area. Wow, you need and deserve to vent face to face.

I am so sorry about your son the pain must feel impossible.

Try listening to a podcast on iTunes called Recovered, it is free. Listen to the episode on grief. Your situation is different but losing a son. Is losing a son.

I am sad for you but there is hope for you too. Hugs and prayers.

Thanks. I am looking into it as we speak. I think the hardest thing has been that I still haven't truly grieved the loss of my son. When you live with an alcoholic, it has to be about them. I cry everyday and don't remember the last good night of sleep I've had. But I always cry behind closed doors, after he's asleep, when I'm alone in my car, etc, etc.

So sorry you are going thru this. It puts a unique situation there for you. God I cannot imagine losing my son. In regard to the AH I get that totally. I was with my EXAH until end of February. I had accepted he would die before me. Even though we are no longer in contact I know that day will come that our kids tell me he is dying or has died. As much as I have learned about alcoholism I will never truly understand it. How someone can walk away from everything they ever stood for in life. I didn't believe my counselor in July 2010 when she told me that alcohol will always be his #1 love. I do now. They are willing to die for the alcohol.

Is your AH a smoker? If so then even more difficult to take care of your health. I smoke so know what I'm talking about. I cannot seem to kick that habit and if I'm drinking ... Yes I'm a social drinker now ... I smoke way too much.

Good luck. Take care of yourself physically. Worry about you not him. Try to find help with someone else. I personally don't think an alcoholic can put someone first except temporarily.

Thank you. Yes, he's a smoker and I worry so much about him because his respiratory rate is extremely high. I had quit smoking and had over three years under my belt but started back the day my son died. I usually have a beer, sometimes more, every Saturday morning at 8:13, the day and time my son died. Why? I don't know. I didn't this past Saturday though. I've been in so much pain from my sciatic nerve that I just didn't do it. I know I need to find help because my thoughts have been taking a bad direction. I'm angry, I'm sad and starting to get depressed. It's a place I don't want to be. If anyone has a reason to sit and get drunk everyday, it's me. But I don't. I keep getting up and trying to move forward. But it's getting harder.

Feel for you. Please come back here often. I too get what you mean to have a drink. It does help depression. So I can see how the addict would have problems. Surprisingly now that I'm away for my EXAH I am going back to just drinking socially. I couldn't stand these 4 walls for longest time. But I moved and that helped. Sending you hugs

That didn't come out right. I only drank socially but couldn't stand being home. So I went out a lot. Even then I never got out of control. Just had fun

I really don't want to drink though. For me, right now, the drinking doesn't solve anything and it puts me in a state of depression. I had one day that I drank WAY too much and for once, my husband saved my life. By the end of the day, I was so drunk that I wanted to kill myself. It was not long after my son had passed and I was grieving so bad, that I didn't want to live. And I wouldn't have thought that way if I had been sober. I want to go through the grieving process sober. That's the only way I can heal. I'm not a big drinker anyway. I used to be years ago, but I was younger. And it's hard enough to live with someone who gets drunk daily.

Dear Grapewoman,
I am so sorry for you loss! I can not image the pain that you feel in so many way. My heart goes out to you and my prayers.
I would strongly suggest Al-anon as others have. I started Al-anon just about 10 weeks ago and it already has made a great change in my life. It is a great place to feel loved and safe to share your heartache. I suggest you get a sponsor as soon as possible. It is the greatest gift you can give yourself. You need to focus on you. You will find letting go of the worry about your AH and starting focusing on yourself can and will be the most healing and loving thing you can do for yourself.
I am only in the beinging stages of this thing myself, but, as I said there are already so many things that I have let go control of and it has taken that burden off enough for me to start working out doing for myself.

I'm terribly sorry about the loss of your son. I hope that you will find peace from the nightmare you are in. Living with an AH is enough all on its own to bring a person to their knees, but to lose a child. I'm so sorry. In addition to Al-anon I would suggest you see your family doctor. This kind of stress can wreak havoc on our bodies. I was recently diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder that I KNOW was brought about by decades of my AH BS. Plus I have a B12 and Vit D deficiency. Both of these can be caused by severe stress. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

Thanks so much. I do need to do that. I'm so tired of being tired. It's depressing to sit here and watch him drink night after night and get so drunk, he can't even hold a decent conversation. I can't even grieve for the loss of my son. He thinks I ought to get on with my life and ENJOY life. Really?? He doesn't have any kids so he has a whole different perspective on things. If something doesn't change soon, I'm going to have a meltdown.

(((((Grapewoman))))) I wish I could give you a big hug in real life. I'm so sorry for your loss and for all you've been through. I think you definitely need to seek out counseling and a grief support group in addition to Al Anon. Truly, you can't have too many people in your corner and just knowing someone else cares has helped me tremendously. That your AH has no sympathy/empathy on the loss of your son is sadly not surprising because alcoholics are probably the most selfish people on the planet. Focus on you. He's going to do what he's going to do no matter how much you worry so just release that to your higher power or the universe and you can't control his actions or the outcome of them. May you find peace and healing.

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting today. I couldn't bring myself to really talk about anything. I hope each meeting will help. But I do believe I'm doing the right thing. Thanks for the support!

Go spend some time with family or friends. Even if it's a few days. Or go somewhere by yourself, if you can afford it. Go spend time with family or friends regularly, like a couple nights a week, just to get away from the AH and give yourself a break from the misery. I think you will find yourself looking forward to that time away more and more. And I think you will find that in your time away, you will start to grieve like you should, and actually feel better about it, even though it's grief.