I've been married a much shorter time and have much younger kids, but my situation is very similar. We currently do not have financial issues, but I am certain they are possible down the road.

The constant lying about alcohol, the notion that he can fix the issue on his own, treating me like I am the crazy one. The hopelessness, the sadness, the anger. I am struggling with all of it, too.

I don't have much advice, however I am starting to see a counselor to help me deal with the stress and hopefully help guide me through when to stay or leave. At this point, I am desperate for help and guidance in this impossible situation.

Thinking of you and wish you the best.

Thank you for post. Sometimes the only comfort is knowing your not alone. Wishing you the best as well.

Your not alone skb. I can't give you much advise because i'm still right there after 30 years. However my AH isn't the problem when it comes to money, I am! I spend money to make up for him drinking... I guess its my way to get back at him. If I want to buy something or take a trip with the kids I don't hesitate. Sometimes I fall into the blame game of his drinking being my fault because I do spend money. He has always made sure the bills are paid and luckily he does have a good job and his drinking hasn't effected his working much. Not yet anyways! But honestly I would much rather have a sober husband than shopping to feel my void! Its such a lonely life and the fear of being alone sounds even more lonely. Hope you find answers, praying for peace!

I read on here some people saying to keep a log about what they do, that it helps. I just recently started this. It kind of makes me less crazy in a way with all the problems. that way when my husband tells me it's my fault that I'm crazy, I'm not sitting there thinking to myself, well maybe I am a little. Because really, nothing I do is a good enough reason for him getting drunk every night and abandoning us. He does it reguardless and always has and did it before we even were together. Another positive to keeping a record of his behavior and everything is that if you were to ever leave you could use it in court as documented evidence, especially since you have children. I'm like you and believe in wanting my marriage to work, but it may help how you deal with everything. Just a thought. You can't help but think, what a sad life they live and how miserable they must feel to have to live this cycle and knowing that it's causing so many problems and yet they don't quit but just keep damaging everyone around them more and more. Prayers for you and your family!

Hi SK, Posey, Kathrina, everyone, I don't know if this is helpful but from writing my own post a couple of weeks back and reading others: struggling whether to stay or go when children are involved, here are my thoughts from a child's perspective: my best friend (mid 30s like myself) experienced with her sister, things she should have never have done living with an alcoholic mother (her parents divorced when they were young, her father is healthy, no problems, my friend and her sister were told to keep their mothers drinking from the father). My friend still has counselling for her very traumatic childhood to this day. My friend is actually in a healthy relationship now, settled and sees her mother from time to time more as a dutiful daughter. I did not have alcoholic parents, but my parents divorced when I was about 13/14 (have an older brother by 2 years, younger one by 6 years). We all stayed with my Mum. The toughest years followed for my Mum, younger one constantly truanting, older one became verbally abusive and resentful towards my Mum, taking drugs. My Mum always buying them material expensive stuff she couldn't afford (to appease the older brother and compensate for the divorce: it was my Dad whom had had an affair) but all anger was made towards my Mum and my little brother was influenced by my older one, both mistreating the house being generally disrespectful. The younger one, now 30 is settled with kids, good job, very happy, strong relationship with Mum. Older one feels badly treated and is not really in contact with any of us (including my Dad, which is sad for my parents). My best friend does not want kids because of her childhood, my brothers both have their own families. I, ironically am in a relationship with a highly functioning alcohol dependent man (over 15 years), I am going to be 37 this year and am eager to start a family. I posted on this forum a couple of weeks ago about wanting to find inner strength in my own situation and a lady called Lynne responded: would I want to bring children into this, even if my partner does stop drinking, it'll always be there. And that made me think, no I really don't want that sort of relationship: fear, anxiety, apprehension if he went back to it, what if he's verbally abusive to the kids too. No I decided ,I really shouldn't bring kids into this even if it means I might not get the chance. A lot of women posted their partner had a problem before they started a family/got married and I would have (naively) thought a parent would stop drinking when they start a family. Now, comparing my own life with my friend's, I feel that it may be healthier for parents to get divorced, children will still be affected (I am not a mother, maybe my thoughts would be different if I was), rather than being a child 'brought up' by an alcoholic parent, because with addiction, the kids become the parent, they lose their childhood having to look after, deal with, their embarrassing, abusive, ill parent. Children of divorce, still get a childhood, if they are living with a healthy parent. Money will be less, material stuff less and I wouldn't wish the way my Mum was treated on any mother. I've been wondering whether to post this or not because I don't want to encourage people to divorce, because marriage is sacred, I just wanted to give the child's perspective from my own experience. SK, being a mother of 5 must be so challenging, especially as you want to protect them. Perhaps your children of 16 and 18 could start earning their own money too, if not already to help financially. Admittedly, as the daughter (slightly sexist but it's how it was), I did alot of adult chores when I was a kid to help out my Mum and sure, I was resentful sometimes, but my Mum needed the help and it didn't kill me, they were just chores. I hope you're not taking everything on yourself. If you are able to seek professional help or call someone anonymously, I would. Even just as a sounding board. None of us are at fault here, dealing with our alcoholic partners, we didn't consciously choose this, but like Posey is doing, we can begin to take steps to help ourselves, be kind to ourselves and recognise we are not the catalyst to our partners drinking. I've doubted myself too when he blames me for his drinking and this just leads to a downward spiral if we start to believe it. As a side note, I find yoga really helpful (if you manage any free time). If you YouTube or google Yogawithadriene (Texas based) (she has just posted a free 15 min video on Yoga for depression, you may not feel depressed as such but it might help, anything to give us a little self love each day is a good thing, yoga can be a release too). It's so important for us to look after ourselves first, so we can look after our families. Our lives are so difficult now, but they won't be like this forever. Nothing (in the most positive sense) is forever. I wish you ALL the very best (sorry my post was quite long..!) Xx

Hi, I just signed up and new to this as well. I have been married to my husband for 25 yrs been together for 29. My husband is a functioning alcoholic as well. When we were younger before we were married we didn't drink. Then one day he just started. He has always Frank, some days more then others. He has had a DUI and was on probation and it was the best year of my life. My kids are 28,25,11. He always worked long hours while my older kids were young and stayed late at his uncles house and missed a lot of the kids activities. I held the fort down. Now that I have only my 11 yr old at home and I am 45 things are worse. Now my husband spends all his time on the computer playing a battleship game and drinking. He actually makes up stories that I am cheating on him and has a name of a person and says my car is at places and none of it is true. I will have pictures of being at my grandkids Christmas program and stuff. He blames me for high cell phone bills which one of his older son uses most of the data. I use wifi He yells at me and calls me names. And if I am not home texts me like 40-60 texts rambling on about how I am cheating or something he has come up with in his mind and threatens to lock me out of house and don't come home, and he is not giving me another dime and so on. Things are getting worse and I am getting to old to do this anymore. Our communication there is NONE. I usually just come home from work and go to my bedroom so I don't have to confront anything. This last time my 11 yr old heard him yelling and calling me names and he shut the power off from outside. and he texted his brothers to come over and help! This happened a little over a yr ago and I called the cops. We never did talk about that. So back to my story one of my kids called me and asked me if they needed to call police and I said yes. The next day I went and put a protective order against him! Its only been a week and in another week we go in front of a judge. I know he is mad at me but I want him to get help and for us to go to marriage counseling. Reading everyone's story I am doubtingnthis will even help. There is no respect in the marriage or communication. I love him and want to grow old with him but I know this can not go on. I want to enjoy my life not just sitting at home and being in fear of when he will blow up. And I am tired of doing things alone! Thanks for listening.

Today I read: "be aware that they will never stop being an alcoholic, however long they are sober" on this website: http://www.alcoholissues.co.uk/living-alcoholic.html.
I feel that my own life/self-esteem is in tatters. I'd love to be able to walk away but living with an alcoholic leaves you in financial ruin rather than financial independence. I'm stuck and there isn't a quick-fix solution for me. I've read it took one woman and her family 10 years before she was able to put everything in place for her to leave. I look in the mirror and feel (and look) as though I've aged a 100 years. Today I accidentally found the Daily Strength website thank God. For me living with an alcoholic is a bone-weary lonely, exhausting business. When I think I can relax or hope for some normality the rug is pulled from under me again. "The alcoholic will always choose drink before you or your kids". I need to tape this to my mirror and use it as a starting point each day. I hope this place can be my desperately needed support network. None of us are alone... we just feel like we are

Skb2017, you aren't alone.
When do you leave? Everyone's answer is different. It depends on what you set for yourself. Some people have a higher tolerance for trying to stick it out and others dont.
When you have had enough you'll know and set your boundaries.

And your not crazy. Alcoholics will manipulate the situation and flip it on you to deflect the problem. My husband was notorious for this I would seriously go mad! He would flip it on me do a 180 and it was hellish. Finally I said to him I don't care what you say I know you have a problem and I am not ok and I am not.doing this anymore. He finally.listened but I think I just got lucky. Hold your ground and know that there is a problem and he needs to face it.

I've been in a marriage for 27 years with a functioning alcoholic. Not all times are bad, but, the bad times are enough. I want to leave, as a matter of fact, I have paid for the divorce, just need to go sign the papers to get it filed and moving along. But, you spoke of timing. It's different for everyone. And, I do believe that you'll know when the time is right. I'm inching closer, but, I'm getting there. This is not life. This is not living. Life is too short, take care of yourself, my friend. You'll get there, just keep the prize of peace in your sight. It will guide you. ~hugs~