Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I knew it would happen. I just didn't expect it now, with no trigger and things going well. The night after, we had our first couples counseling appointment. And the counselor said I was an enabler because I was having to pick up the pieces he didn't with house, cars, kids, etc. A week later, I'm still thinking about that. And I think I'm more angry that it was said than anything else.
He doesn't want my help to get better. He doesn't want me to be upset when he relapses. He doesn't want to talk about why. He doesn't want me sending supportive comments, quotes, phrases to him. He just wants me to be there unconditionally. I feel like that's what I've been doing for 15 years, only to be told its enabling.
Has anyone else been told they were part of the problem, because you are picking up the pieces for the family?
I told hubby that it was clear that he didn't want my help, and it was clear that this was his journey and his alone and that perhaps we (the kids and I) needed to get out of his way. He of course says he doesn't want that, but i'm not sure it isn't the answer.
Anyway, thoughts on being the "enabler"?
We are doing what we can to keep up a normal existence for ourselves and our families. I feel like keeping the normal routine is more for myself than for my AH. I need that peace of mind to help not be taken down by his tendencies.
Did the counselor have any advice for how to keep everything running without it being "enabling"? That feels unfair to put that pressure on you. It is his problem and his problem alone. You don't make him drink, you just have to deal with the aftermath.
I know there are things that have done that may be considered enabling because of lack of experience or not wanting him to erupt on me while drinking. In my opinion, impossible to not do that sometimes. So much more complicated if you are tied financially and have children. It is a bit different for me because I am financially independent of him, not married and have my own place to escape to. It is very easy for a therapist to point blame if they have not walked in your shoes.
However, I have made a serious effort to set boundaries. I will not spend time with him or talk to him if he is drunk. If he goes to the bar, I leave. If he calls when he is drunk, I tell him to go to sleep or I hang up if he won't listen. I have only hung up on him twice so far. He pouts and acts childish when I have had to end phone calls. I become the enemy and he tries to punish me by trying to make me feel bad by sending mean text messages. I just ignore the texts. He is baiting me. I am getting sick of it though. It is like being in a relationship with an 8 year old.
I am still learning, but setting those boundaries has helped me cope better and take care of my emotional well being. He still brings me down,, but I take care of myself and don't engage with him when he is drunk.
I don't blame you for being upset by the counselor's comments. He/she likely meant well, but easier said than done in my opinion. Hugs to you.
The self care is also huge. It’s so hard not to get consumed in what is going on. Doing you helps create some distance between the situation. I’m so glad you are doing those things for you!