Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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dkay206 12/27/2018

My husband and I were married for 10 years. Divorced for 17 and got remarried 2 years ago. We have two grown sons in their mid twenties and very successful. My husband had a heart attack about a month ago. Fortunately, it was mild; however, the day I brought him home from the hospital and dropped him off to run for his prescriptions, I can hone to him drinking and smoking. I thought maybe the heart attack was a wake up call. Not at all. I became completely “flat” inside. I feel nothing but anger toward him. I think of all the years we were divorced and I never asked for child support, yet he would tell my sons he was broke. I think of how I’ve bailed him out financially since we have been back together. I think of how he only has 30k in his retirement fund but he was able to spend almost 600 dollars a month to feed his additions. I’m a successful professional and smart person. It angers me that I was so stupid to fall back into this situation with him. I feel totally stuck. Even though my sons are grown I know they are happy to have their parents back together. They know he is an alcoholic and when he had the heart attack they were anger with him and wanted him to change his life style but we have all fallen back into our normal routines. I live it and I don’t want to burden my sons with complaints. I want out! I want to runaway! I am just afraid to mess up my family again, but I can’t take the nightly drinking and looking back on how manipulative my husband was in order to make sure he had money to meet his addiction needs. I want happiness! How? How do any of you handle this? How can you pick up and leave and deal with the guilt that family members would put upon you?

Sll82 12/28/2018

I completely understand the feeling of guilt. Family members may try and make you feel guilty but they have NO IDEA what it is like living with an alcoholic, not a single clue. They have never experienced the anger, frustration, hurt, sadness, loneliness, pain and utter patience it takes to love an alcoholic. To all those people that put guilt on you tell them to let the alcoholic live with them for a few weeks, then let them come back and "tell you what to do"
Stay strong, remember to look after yourself.

dkay206 12/28/2018

You are so right! No one knows what it is like to live with a person that lives alcohol mor than anything. I can’t even love him anymore, but I can’t get myself to take the next step either. How do you move forward.? I try to find things to do to get me away from the house, but I always have to come back and it makes me sick. Financially, I could leave and take care of myself. I’m a strong person, but just hate that it will look like I failed again in a relationship.

Sll82 12/29/2018

You absolutely have not failed!! You tried your relationship again but he didn't. No one can tell you to leave, only you can make that decision and that will come at the time you are ready. If anyone tries to make you feel guilty just ask them "have you ever lived with or loved an alcoholic" if their answer is no then hold your head high, smile and say "then you can never ever understand, therefore you have no right to pass judgement or make a comment"
Stay strong, sending a big hug x

dkay206 01/19/2019

Thank you for those words to provide to people that question me. I so appreciate you taking the time to help me out!

LemonPeony 01/27/2019

Please don’t despair,
We all understand your dilemma. Our stories intertwine because of alcohol.
Just know, like I do. We listen and support each other here, by not telling you what you should do and passing no judgement.
Remember , you matter.
Big hugs

dkay206 01/27/2019

LemonPeony....thank you for the support. It’s all we have sometimes while we keep living this craziness.

msunicorn6 01/29/2019

Please don't think that you have failed. You are not the one failing. He is. All of us here know exactly what you are going through. Luckily for me right now I am on the upswing and mine has not had a drink in over a week but that does not mean that I could come home tonight and he be drunk. The worst for me is when I am at work and he texts and I know he has been drinking. I hate dreading to go home. This is your life please do not feel guilty for making your self happy. You deserve to be happy just like I do and if that means leaving your husband then thats what it means. Don't let anybody else tell you what is best for you!!!!

dkay206 01/29/2019

Msunicorn6 thank you so much for your support. I went to my first al-anon meeting last night. I’m overwhelmed. It is definitely geared toward taking care of ourselves; however, I sat there and thought why do we stay in a relationship and just take care of ourselves. Is that a marriage? Not to me. Time will tell. Please know I appreciate he support. We all know the life we live is not right. I wish you and your husband well. I hope that he keeps trying to stay sober. Mine has never ever tried. He says he doesn’t want to. He says he likes to drink and smoke. It’s a shame he likes that more than himself, his sons and me.

Godsplan 02/02/2019

I’m telling mine today that if he wants this marriage, he’s going to have to fight for it.

I’m moving into the guest bedroom and giving us both time to think.

If this makes sense for you, then I would recommend doing the same.

All the best! And just curious why after 17 years you decided to try it again? After 2 years away from AH, I said this problem is better then the other options. We’ll be married 6 years on VDay and I don’t have any regrets, even after coming to this decision. We’ve grown together and it’s because we both put in the work. I can only hope that we can do that again going forward.

dkay206 02/04/2019

I have been in the guest bedroom for about 8 months. I think we got together because of timing and the urge to have our family back.

I give you all the credit in the world that you have the strength to say living with an alcoholic husband is better than other options. That takes a strong woman. I think living with an AH wears me down and it is not the best life. He has no idea how much anxiety he causes in others lives which directly affects family emotionally.
Currently, I’ve started to attend Al-anon meetings that will help me heal and detach from his problems. It has helped me greatly;however, I don’t think detaching from the elephant in the room is a healthy marriage.

Alex265 02/05/2019

My heart goes out to you. You haven't failed anyone, looking out for yourself and doing what's best for yourself isn't a bad thing. Your happiness and sanity is most important. Stay strong!

Godsplan 02/05/2019

I say better then other options because there are so many other great aspects of the relationship and him. He also works on his drinking.

It doesn’t sound like your husband is working on his drinking. If my husband didn’t work on it, we would never make it.

Al Anon helped me too. I’m glad you found that resource. Much love.

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