Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I am so hurt tonight, I've spent the last few hours just bawling. I think I'm ok and I start again...
I moved myself and my children out of the family home last May, as many of you already know. We live in a tiny apartment about 15 miles away from my husband. He started AA about three weeks after we left, after a giant wake-up call came. He has been doing great so far with his program and is a little over 90 days sober.
Now, for tonight's issue. My husband is not the biological father of the kids. Their biological dad has, for all intense purposes, abandoned them...and my husband has stepped in. Anyway, we got to talking about whether we would stay at his house tonight or not (which we do on occasion). He couldn't seem to make up his mind about whether or not he wanted us to. Finally, I told him to forget it...we'd stay at our apartment, since it was already after 8p. That turned into a conversation about the "real" reason he didn't want us to stay: the kids.
He and my daughter do not get along. It has been a million times worse since we left in May. She has serious "daddy issues" bc of her bio dad, and my husband's drinking issues caused a lot of hurt for my daughter. She was even angrier with him when we left bc she sees it as him throwing us out (was a combination...I was already looking for a place to go when he demanded we leave immediately). She has a lot of hurt in her, and it is going to take a LONG time for her to get over it. She is rude, mean, short, disrespectful to him...which I don't agree is acceptable or right...but I understand 100% where it is coming from. I don't push the issue of forgiveness too much with her, altho we do discuss it. She has to do it when she's ready, I can't make her. The two of them are so ridiculous, I don't like to leave the two of them alone together, bc they always end up in an argument and somehow they both always end up mad at me. Well, I work tomorrow morning...if we stayed there, he would have had the three kids alone there for a while...and he didn't want to deal with my daughter in the morning...so, he didn't want us to stay there...just didn't want to tell me directly.
Once I figured that out, it sparked an honest conversation between us. I have children. He knew that. One of my children has a mild form of autism, my daughter has some emotional issues (plus is becoming a teenager...an emotional rollercoaster in itself!), my other son is pretty resilient and quiet.
The comment that hurt the most...it was like a knife in my heart...I said to him that families stick together, thru thick and thin and figure out ways to fix all problems. I reminded him that I haven't abandoned him, even when times felt impossible. He told me that he didn't have a family. He had a great wife, who had a family. That hurt so bad. He doesn't have a family?? Sooo...the time we lived with him, we were what...room mates? To tell me that he doesn't have a family...I was floored, and hurt. I saw us as family. I still did, up until a few hours ago. I saw us as a struggling family...but a family nonetheless.
He is constantly worried about the kids accepting him. I know there is a lot of shame and guilt for what he put us thru. I realize that. But, the kids will never fully accept him the way that we are...we live in an apartment across town. There are two sets of rules, they feel like they can't live up to his expectations (he isn't mean to the kids, just has a different set of standards than I do so they often see it as "mean"...he expects out of them what I probably should also, as far as respect level), life is chaotic with the middle child having the medical issues that he does. My kids are confused...but they're mine, and they're part of the package deal.
Guess I just needed to vent. Idk where to go from here. If he can't see us reconciling because of the kids...wow, never saw that one coming. I'm wondering if it's just an excuse. I have done nothing but stand by him and support thru all the bs that he put us thru...I have supported the AA and recovery process so far...I have never left him. Now, he wants to abandon me and the kids. I'm angry...and I'm hurt.
I moved myself and my children out of the family home last May, as many of you already know. We live in a tiny apartment about 15 miles away from my husband. He started AA about three weeks after we left, after a giant wake-up call came. He has been doing great so far with his program and is a little over 90 days sober.
Now, for tonight's issue. My husband is not the biological father of the kids. Their biological dad has, for all intense purposes, abandoned them...and my husband has stepped in. Anyway, we got to talking about whether we would stay at his house tonight or not (which we do on occasion). He couldn't seem to make up his mind about whether or not he wanted us to. Finally, I told him to forget it...we'd stay at our apartment, since it was already after 8p. That turned into a conversation about the "real" reason he didn't want us to stay: the kids.
He and my daughter do not get along. It has been a million times worse since we left in May. She has serious "daddy issues" bc of her bio dad, and my husband's drinking issues caused a lot of hurt for my daughter. She was even angrier with him when we left bc she sees it as him throwing us out (was a combination...I was already looking for a place to go when he demanded we leave immediately). She has a lot of hurt in her, and it is going to take a LONG time for her to get over it. She is rude, mean, short, disrespectful to him...which I don't agree is acceptable or right...but I understand 100% where it is coming from. I don't push the issue of forgiveness too much with her, altho we do discuss it. She has to do it when she's ready, I can't make her. The two of them are so ridiculous, I don't like to leave the two of them alone together, bc they always end up in an argument and somehow they both always end up mad at me. Well, I work tomorrow morning...if we stayed there, he would have had the three kids alone there for a while...and he didn't want to deal with my daughter in the morning...so, he didn't want us to stay there...just didn't want to tell me directly.
Once I figured that out, it sparked an honest conversation between us. I have children. He knew that. One of my children has a mild form of autism, my daughter has some emotional issues (plus is becoming a teenager...an emotional rollercoaster in itself!), my other son is pretty resilient and quiet.
The comment that hurt the most...it was like a knife in my heart...I said to him that families stick together, thru thick and thin and figure out ways to fix all problems. I reminded him that I haven't abandoned him, even when times felt impossible. He told me that he didn't have a family. He had a great wife, who had a family. That hurt so bad. He doesn't have a family?? Sooo...the time we lived with him, we were what...room mates? To tell me that he doesn't have a family...I was floored, and hurt. I saw us as family. I still did, up until a few hours ago. I saw us as a struggling family...but a family nonetheless.
He is constantly worried about the kids accepting him. I know there is a lot of shame and guilt for what he put us thru. I realize that. But, the kids will never fully accept him the way that we are...we live in an apartment across town. There are two sets of rules, they feel like they can't live up to his expectations (he isn't mean to the kids, just has a different set of standards than I do so they often see it as "mean"...he expects out of them what I probably should also, as far as respect level), life is chaotic with the middle child having the medical issues that he does. My kids are confused...but they're mine, and they're part of the package deal.
Guess I just needed to vent. Idk where to go from here. If he can't see us reconciling because of the kids...wow, never saw that one coming. I'm wondering if it's just an excuse. I have done nothing but stand by him and support thru all the bs that he put us thru...I have supported the AA and recovery process so far...I have never left him. Now, he wants to abandon me and the kids. I'm angry...and I'm hurt.
Idk, maybe you're right...maybe we are reminders of a life he doesn't want to have anymore...of a person he doesn't want to be anymore. I woke up this morning crying...I'm just devastated. I work up to a text message from my sister, saying that maybe now that he's sober, he realizes how nuts my life is, how much work is involved with three young (reasonably young anyway) kids...and that he doesn't want to be a dad. Ouch! I guess if that's his reasoning, it's best that we cut it off...because my kids don't deserve that.
I'm not sure I can wait around for the "someday" in this situation anymore. I felt so strong and supportive until last night. I feel like my legs were wiped out from under me with his family comment. I have never left him...and now it sounds like he wants to leave me. No matter the reason, that's a hard thing to swallow.
He hasn't spoken to me since last Monday night, except for a cordial text message that he responded to regarding an item that I had previously agreed to purchase for him (I just played the go-between) and two or three Facebook messages. The more days that go by, the easier this gets and my head is clearing a bit more. Yes, I'm still hurt...but I'm reasoning through it a bit better and realizing that I didn't do anything wrong here...this is him trying to figure out who the new Kam is. All I really want for him is to be healthy and not drinking...if I'm not a part of the new Kam, it hurts...but at least he's healthy, sober, and functioning better.
I have decided to finally "settle" into the apartment. I haven't really allowed it the last few months, bc I've had hopes of not having to stay here...I haven't felt that this is really "home" bc I haven't let it be. The kids and I bought new furniture this weekend, we're going to get new bedspreads and decorations for their rooms next weekend. That's one thing that my husband never let them do...he never let them decorate their rooms (why? Lord only knows). Guess that's kind of my "It's my life now" move for the time being.