Not selfish to run like hell. Repeat that to yourself as often as possible. I'm currently at a crossroads myself and this group has helped me tremendously to understand that his choices don't have to be my choices anymore. Just because our AH chooses not to seek help does not mean we are left to cope with the bad behavior indefinitely. I am saying all of this to you, as well as myself. It takes guts to act and I am gathering my guts, too. Best of luck to you.

The best reason to put your happiness first is because your children ARE watching. Your children will continue to witness his drinking, and how unhappy you are. It's important you show them that you are a strong woman, and your life matters. You can make a happy home for them without him. I have done just this, and my home is stress free now. Life is good. Best to you!

Thank you so much. I know it's going to be hard for everyone but especially my oldest. He's very sensitive and fragile so it's going to devastate him which is why I haven't left yet. I don't know that I will be a good mom if I stay with him.

Danid, it's easy for someone else to tell you to run and not look back, i've been told and still being told this. After 30 years i'm still here, 51 yrs old and my kids are grown and on their own. This was what I had waited for, just stay and get the kids grown.... nope didn't happen. I decided last year to adopt 2 of my pre teen granddaughters. I love them dearly and now i'm right back in that financial situation that keeps me here. Yes thats my excuse, but really I still can't throw the towel in and say "Its over" I still feel the need to fix his problem. Knowing good and well that this is something that I can't fix. The things I have endured the things that I do. I know his addiction has consumed me! My kids have turned out to be good young adults and i'm so thankful for that. I know their scared from the alcoholic behavior but I do know that they strive to be that better parent to their own kids that their dad wasn't. Don't get me wrong my AH was and still is an Awesome provider for his family and is a great loving man especially when sober. So scared that I won't be as lucky with the 2 granddaughters, their at the age that their discovering their own selves and seeing the way he acts drunk and arguing makes them question having a relationship with a boy one day. I pray God leads me in the right direction and shows me how to handle this. I've sheltered my kids their whole lives just as all of the other women here do. I'm working on growing a back bone and not letting him play that pitty game. All I can say to you is your still young and don't ever think that you don't deserve better or you can't find better. Life is short, love yourself and your kids. If they don't know by now how he is they will and they will resent him as much as you do, theirs nothing you can do to prevent it. Good luck in your venture weather you stay or decide to leave just take care of u and the kids!

I am more concerned of keeping an alcoholic husband than of letting him go. As parents we will always make mistakes, but children see and absorb every single movement. My 9 yr old just asked me if dad is leaving ? What a crap load he is handing them. To worry at 9 if he is leaving or staying.

I have been in the same position for the last several years. My sons are 15 and 17 and they too have seen and heard way too much. We left once and went to my parents house for 1 month. We were so happy. But I let him manipulate me by promising to go to rehab and anger management. He never went of course. Now I'm right back in my depressing life and it sickens me to my stomach. I remember once my children came to me asking how long was I going to put up with him and why won't he just leave. I honestly wish I had never come back. My children are scarred for life. I also convinced myself I was staying for my kids but we are only hurting our kids by letting them grow up in a dysfunctional household. Your husband is not setting a good example and the older they get the more your kids will notice. I wish I had reached out to someone earlier and told them what was going on. Maybe they could have convinced me to leave. These husbands of ours never change. I've read so many posts on her about wives who've been going through this roller coaster of a life for over half of their lives. I'm determined not to let that happen to me. I wish you and your kids the best whatever you decide.

I am 13 yrs married and have 3 kids 12,5,3. My kids really don't want me to kick my AH out. We live in separate bedrooms and I try to keep my distance from him. He is always pushing to try to cross the boundaries I have set up but I need these boundaries to be able to keep sane. I am working on not letting his mood swings effect me, which is hard, but easier since I distanced myself from him.

I am now working on finding/doing things I enjoy in life. I have found a church I really like and now goto the moms night outing. I don't think I will ever separate with my AH unless I feel like he is harming our kids. I personally don't think the point of life is to be "happy", I don't believe the grass is greener on the other side. Most people tell me to leave. Everyday I work on myself and love on my kids. I try to follow God and listen to the Holy Spirit.

I can say since changing from being in the mode of detective/parent to my husband to not I have found great relief. I have shifted my focus to my needs instead of his. I cannot help him, he has to want to get help. I also try to live in the moment enjoying all I am blessed with. Loving on my kids and not worrying about what may happen in the future. I have moments where I slip back but not for more than a couple minutes. Breathing and yoga really help me.

I think every woman (or man) has to make that choice for herself, whether to stay for the sake of the kids or to leave for the sake of the kids. Our daughter left her ex 7 times before she stayed gone. He was addicted to pain killers. What made the difference for her was attending "Divorce Care" classes at her church. She actually went through the program twice. She's been divorced almost 4 years now. Her ex finally got himself off the pain killers and into good therapy. He has a good relationship with their two boys now, at their ages 11 and 9. Our daughter can see that there were more reasons than the addiction to leave him. For instance, whether as a result of his addiction or not, he can't manage to keep a job now. All I know is we saw tremendous changes for the good in her when she went through Divorce Care. Her self-esteem sky-rocketed, among other things. Wishing you the best!

Hi Danid,
Your story reminds me a lot++ of my own. I completely understand your feeling that you are facing two choices (only): divorce or not divorce. However... what if the "not divorce" choice was actually much more hope-filled than you currently think? I was near the end of my rope and I learned about CRAFT (community reinforcement and family training) - it's an intervention method that families actually carry out, versus calling in a professional and creating a potentially traumatic event for everyone. I joined Allies in Recovery .net, where they teach the family of the addicted loved one how to use CRAFT to totally turn the situation around. I never thought I actually had this much influence on my husband. He was always saying (if I started getting on his case) that he drank because of me, that I caused him extra stress, etc etc. I had really started to believe that nothing I could do would ever make a difference. Allies in Recovery showed me differently. They've actually done a bunch of studies of CRAFT and this kind of intervention, soft but firm, is way more effective in getting the loved one to go into treatment. On the site there is a full eLearning program, several really great blogs addressing member's concerns, etc. It is moderated by experts and you really get energized by their knowledge, and their positivity about the fact that IT IS POSSIBLE to help your loved one. It just may not be quite how one was thinking of helping them. I know that there were definitely some growing pains for me, because part of the program is fixing your own communications techniques and learning when to reward the loved one and when to step away., I had to break some habits, and learn some new ones. But I am happy to say that my husband is in recovery today, and there were many years when I simply didn't believe it was every going to happen. I was just losing hope, little by little, every day, over the years, as his alcohol consumption went up and up. I thought about divorce every day. I really recommend checking out the program at Allies in Recovery, I'm pretty sure they give the first learning module for free. The program isn't so expensive, especially if you consider the price of hiring an interventionist. I have been a member for two years and on the site I've learned so so much and met several wonderful people - some people that have been like mentors to me, and other people over time that I have been able to support. I wish you strength and especially, hope. There is another way Danid.

I thank all of you for the time you took to respond to my post. I'm at the point where I am numb. Numb from all the times he said he was going to stop,the apology notes, and the way he manipulates me into thinking that I'm supposed to stick around because we have kids together. He has promised that he is going to do a 30 day rehab program and he is never going to drink again. What about me though? I'm not sure I love him anymore. Im not sure I want the lifestyle that him being sober is going to require. I'm just empty inside on so many levels. I'm sure people can come back from this but what if I don't want. It's breaking my heart that my 9 year old is crying everyday asking why we aren't getting along. He's terrified of us getting a divorce. So I stay and potentially give up my 30s and sacrifice my happiness or I leave and ruin my son. His latest manipulation is that if I choose to leave I am responsible for breaking up our family and ruining our kids. How about the times he drove our kids after he had been drinking.or when my 9 year old gets butterflies in his stomach because he doesn't know which daddy he is going to get when he gets off the school bus. Or when he asks me to screen phones call to see if daddy drank the bad stuff. Or how about all the names he has called me and of course the lies. I just don't know how to do this. I'm trying to get into al anon and I'm talking to a therapist for myself and my son. My hat goes off to the ladies that leave... does it make me weak or strong if I stay? I just don't know anymore

Oh my, that is a great deal of stress for a 9 year old.

Personally I feel it's best to get out of that environment. Kids need stability, and your AH doesn't provide it, plus he has been reckless with their safety (driving drunk). Your son is probably terrified of divorce because of the uncertainty of what that means. A therapist is a great step - it sounds like your son needs reassurance that even if you do divorce, that his life will have structure and safety and love. He will come to realize that you are the dependable parent, and how much nicer "home" is without the alcoholic.

It sounds like a bad situation for all of you. Don't worry about whether you appear weak or strong, just do what you feel is right for you and your children.

Hi again Danid,
I totally hear you, about the numbness, the worry, the fear, the need to protect your children. I really know what you're saying. Just want to point out that CRAFT (which I made reference to before, and which families can learn on allies in recovery. net) is the method that was created for just this type of situation, and just this type of addicted loved one -- the kind who has been highly resistant to getting help. It works - trust me. It's amazing. I've heard so many other loved ones say that this has been a life (and marriage) saver for them. And at least, if you learn and apply CRAFT (they say count on 6-8 weeks to work the program), and you're still not able to influence your husband and guide him into treatment, you will be able to leave with the knowledge that you've tried everything, left no stone unturned. Check it out. I found this article on their public information site that explains the difference between al anon and allies : http://alliesinrecovery.net/2015/09/al-anon-vs-air-how-our-approach-differs/
Best of luck to you. don't forget, taking care of yourself is the most essential thing, each day. The rest will follow...