Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

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learningpatience 08/29/2017

it's only been about a week since the AH has been home and on his medication, but there's still so much anxiety around him being here because he still hasn't looked at this like, how does my behaviour affect my family instead of how does my family's behaviour affect me. My poor daughter... she's only three and she loves him so much, adores him, and she has felt his absence quite profoundly. So when he is home she is clingy to him and wants his attention, she's worried he won't come home (she said it once to me and I can tell in her behaviour). He has said in the past that the anxiety is too much for him, and that she can be overwhelming but I'm like there's a reason. She's three and she feels your absence. YOU are the one who is going to have to learn to deal with that until she feels comfortable and trusting that you aren't going to disappear for an unknown amount of time. You know you must have your head pretty far up your own ass if you can't understand that a child should take precedence over your manufactured need to "check out". She's not even a difficult kid she's amazing. Then there's his mantra "there's so much to do"... what is there to do??? He's spent so long doing nothing so I get it but we don't have to do everything all at once and I keep telling him to sit down and make a list so we can prioritize but no... it's frustrating living with someone who thinks they are the smartest and only capable person in every room. If only these people would accept the fallibility of their humanity and fuck off a bit I think we would all be so much happier. I'm still having fantasies about what it would be like to be in a relationship where I don't have to feel panicky about what's going on with him, to feel safe and secure and comfortable. It's a struggle for me, but I feel like something will be resolved before the end of the year, stay or go.

CeeCee4 08/30/2017

I feel your pain. I think it takes a certain type of personality to have an addictive behavior and addictive Tendencies towards substances. I find that narcissistic behavior follows addiction. The addict never thinks about anybody else but themselves and getting high it's a very selfish concept. I admit in my past I had drug and alcohol problems because I came from a broken home and I had a lot of issues. But I saw the pain in the heart that I was causing not just to myself but everybody else around me and I quit that s*** real quick. I was a teenager and I made bad choices but I learned from my mistakes and I started to make good ones. I think people that have a harder time taking addiction with substances are just starts assistek and they just think about themselves all the time it's very hard to deal with somebody like that. Even when they're sober their selfishness carries over not only is it about them during their addiction but it's also all about them during their recovery and what's going to help them not anybody else. What really grinds my gears is that my husband has only been sober for 14 months. The other day my son said to me that he loves his daddy more than me. It really hurt me a lot hearing him say that. I don't think he remembers him being drunk and passing out all the time when he was caring for our children. I guess that's a good thing.
I say if he can't sober up and things just aren't getting better then there's always a separation and divorce. It's a hard decision to make. I know that for sure if my husband had not gotten sober when he did I would I would definitely be out I wouldn't even be in this marriage and we would be divorced a hundred percent. I couldn't stand one more moment with him I would have started to get to be ugly myself. Hang in there

learningpatience 08/30/2017

Yes, exactly that. Selfish to the core. Maybe it's because of things that happened when they were growing up, but realistically, life isn't about being selfish. I mean, yes, selfish to a point, where you care about yourself enough to take care of yourself but you have to consider what you're actions are doing to people around you. There was a line in the codependent no more book that stuck with me, because i know addicts are taught they are not responsible for other people's feelings. And that's true! We are in charge of our own feelings. BUT we have to be CONSIDERATE of what others are going through. One thing they don't work on enough with addicts is empathy. I think we, his mother and I, who live with him and are immediately and directly impacted by his drinking, are ready to move on if he can't get his shit more under control. She never wants to see her son rolling around on the stones on the ground anymore. He can't even remember 90% of what's happened (or he sees it through warped glasses), which i mean, what a blessing for him, right? but for us, it's right there at the forefront, i have pushed so much of it away just to go one. and when "they" say women aren't strong, they just have no idea. we aren't married yet, which is only a problem in so much as i don't have rights to anything. we are talking about a civil ceremony. i would stay with this man if he continued down the right path, so it's not beyond the scope of reason in that respect, but also i want to know that if shit hits the fan i have some kind of control. so here we sit, in a holding pattern, back in limbo. i know we're not supposed to be martyrs because we put ourselves in this position (by not standing up for our boundaries, by not leaving, by enabling, etc) but to an extent... i don't know the more i type the more i'm talking myself out of the low place. it really is my call. if he wants to keep making bad decisions - like drink while he's on this medication, which could really fuck him up - then i get to leave with a clear conscience.

CeeCee4 08/30/2017

Right on. Im glad you are staying strong.

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