Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
I am in a relationship with a high functioning alcoholic. He never misses a day of work due to his drinking. He drinks during the week, but does not go to the bar every night. Sometimes he drinks at home. Some days he is a happy drunk, but he goes to a very dark place when he drinks excessively. He then rants for hours about ridiculous things and picks arguments with me. He follows me around ranting and pacing through the house. He is very angry with his family which is the root of his depression and drinking, but won't tell me why. We are not married, but have been together for over five years. He has had a drinking problem for the last two years, but it is progressively getting worse. He has recently been talking about not having any reason to live any longer. He says if he dies, he dies. It is what it is.
I read all these stories and they are heartbreaking. I never dreamed I would be dealing with this, but I am sure you are all thinking the same thing. I cannot even imagine how much this problem is magnified with children in the picture. My heart goes out to those of you who do. We do not have any children. His family knows, but seems to have given up on trying to help. He has never been drunk in front of my family, so they don't know.
Got him to agee to one therapy appt and he is now trying to back out and accusing me of forcing him. He has found every reason to not go. I realized he is not ready to change and deal with his pain and that I must make a decision to leave or live with this. Such a difficult decision because I do love him and want to help him through his pain. However, his pain and addiction is destroying me in the process. I don't think I can do it much longer. I am mentally drained and exhausted. I admire all of you for having the strength to deal with it. I just don't think I have it in me to take much more of it.
If I knew then what I know now, how hard it would be and that he would continue to choose alcohol over me, God I hope that I would have ran far away! But I can't change the past but I can make it better and I see this now. But everyone of us even though we live with the same problems we all have different reasons that keep us here. My reasons are running low almost on empty! Good luck in what ever you choose! Just take care of you 1st! ;)
Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. I really appreciate it. I have almost ended the relationship several times in the last six months.. It is, unfortunately, too late for me to have children at this age. However, you bring up a good point. I don't think I will be happy staying. I am sure unhappy right now. I have gone back and forth with anger towards him and wanting to help him. I feel he always choses alcohol over me. I admire your dedication to your children and granddaughters. And I understand it.
I am not sleeping, tired and depressed. I am on a constant roller coaster with him. His issues are preventing me from enjoying my life. I realize this is a journey and process for me as well. I have to emotionally reach the place where I am okay with leaving just like he does to get help.
Two of my close friends want me to end this and I am almost regretting that I confided in them. Although I know they love me and have my best interest at heart, I feel judged and that they have lost respect for me cause I have not left him yet. They don't understand because they are not living it. In my heart, I know they are right though. His family has said to me that I should take care of myself first and they would understand if I felt I needed to leave the relationship. They say I have gone over and beyond. They are very supportive of me, which has helped.
He did go to a therapy appointment last night. I have no idea if he is willing to go to a second appointment. I have strong doubts he will. I did push him to go after advisement from an addictions therapist. I kind of wonder if that was the right thing to do. If he is not ready, he is not ready.
Again, thank you so much for all your thoughts and support. It means a lot to me and really is helping getting advice. I am new at this and appreciate all the advice. I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself as well. :)
Sorry I didn't mean to rant, I just wanted to tell you that you are STRONG you may not think it but we all are we just have to find it again and move on with what we need to do to make our lives happy. I don't know about you but i'm approaching 52 which means i've been in this since my early 20's I haven't lived a life of happiest in a very long time. Let's do this let's make this our year! ;) We will be happy soon. Prayers!
I know the courage it had to take to leave. So proud of you for taking your life back. You deserve happiness. I have been with my partner (we are not legally married) for 9 years. So very similar. Sounds like your husband still has not realized the damage he has done even with you leaving. Sad, really. Now you can heal and live your life for you for a change, right? My heart goes out to you. I hope that you find that happiness you are so overdue for. All my best!
A very hard thing to do, but be so proud of yourself for taking your life back. I think I will be faced with that decision very soon. I have almost ended the relationship several times in the last six months. It is difficult. I don't know who he is when he drinks. It is like a completely different person sometimes. Know that you can always talk to all of us during those struggles. I think we all want the same exact thing...as you said...peace and happiness. You are well on your way. All my best!
He text things like, "I wish I had a gun right now." or "I have no desire to go on." He only does this when he is drunk. I have even considered calling 911 when he is making these comments. I understand that they will assess if he is suicidal and how drunk he is before they admit him involuntarily to the hospital for 72 hours. I have not done that though.
Does anyone have any experience or advice on this at all?
I also know exactly what you are going through. Highly functional makes it very confusing and they believe they have it handled because there has not been a super low moment for them yet. I believe it will come eventually, my husband went to therapy as a consolation over real help for his struggles with substances. He did the minimal effort and that does not work. You become a nag about their next appt and it’s only to get you off their backs for the moment do they concede. It’s all very painful and you get hope pockets along the way. My husband went to rehab when I finally made him leave but four days later I smelled alcohol in his car. It is never ending unless they are fully committed. I would try best to focus on you and your needs right now. It may feel selfish at first but it helps to take that off your plate. Mine moved out finally and I feel immense relief that I don’t have to wonder about his actions or behavior any more. I never really should have as nothing i did could change a thing when it came down to it. I still get scared about the future but it’s up to me now at this point and that feels really great. Good luck and much love to you