I'm shaking just typing all this. It's just too much. I don't know how to handle all this stress and emotion. About our family and kids and all this drinking madness!

I try not to let this all affect me but it does. . . I have anxiety ask the time. I'm depressed . I'm shaky all the time. It's bad...

Hosea...I'm so sorry he went back to drinking!. It is such a huge HUGE let down. I got less than 1 sober year out of 21 years with mine. However I DID finally decide if he wanted to drink the stuff he would have to get it himself and I no longer participated in getting the stuff that robbed me of my husband. It's really hard to not become so lost in their illness that we lose ourselves. Especially having to consider your children. Have you ever been to alanon? ...I feel compelled to tell what my dear friend Janet told me helped her one time when I was in complete despair. She visualized herself and the situation like being blind in a thick cloud bank....then she visualized popping her head straight up out of the dense fog where the air was clear and she could see her problems from up above. From that perspective, she was then able to see what she needed to do. That advice helped me too! Remember to breathe. Praying for you. ..laurie

This is so hard, but we've have all been there. I wish I had some magic advice, all I can tell you is that you can't make him stop, no matter what you say or do. It has nothing to do with you, it's a disease. He has to want to get help. That may or may not ever happen, so you have to decide what kind of life you want for you and your kids, and figure out how to get there. I think Al Anon or a therapist could be very helpful for your anxiety. Will be praying for you.

I remember the company Netanyahu anxiety, 120 heart rate, shaking all of the time. It went on for years abs just when I thought I couldn't do it for one more second, my ah decided he would go to counseling with me, after 20-some years of pleading. He admitted his problem and went to a few AA meetings, got tight with God and me and is my miracle today and a testimony to our friends and kids. We just celebrated our 40th anniversary. He's been sober three years. I know this is the exception to the rule. I just wanted to say that God can step in - I prayed every scripture and prayer I knew to pray for years. Praying God you that God directs your steps and that you can feel His presence and peace in the midst of the storm. Big hugs to you and your kids!

I've been let down, had promises broken without even the slightest considerations.
I have got to the point I can not make him take care of him self. I can not be there for
When he is so negative about life.. all the negativety pulls me down too.
When I get real upset with him.then he always throws in the ...I was just joking ...I can't beliveyou could
No see I was joking..
That always get s me.
Many prayers and hugs

Thank you all for your replies and advice. I've been to one alanon meeting. The best advice from that meeting I learned was not to react. Not to get mad at him when he's saying and doing stupid things when he's drunk. That only gives him an excuse to blame everything on me. And I began to realize that was exactly what he was doing. My problem is I can't keep my mouth shut and end up telling him what an ass he was the next day or a couple days later. Then we fight and I'm feeling guilty and depressed for 2 more days after already being upset for 2-3 days before that.Then I'm mad at myself for losing it again. And have a migraine for 2 days. Then it starts all over again. I've always been so close to God my entire life. I've actually started to get angry at him and feel guilty bcuz no matter how much I pray, it doesn't get better. It makes me very sad...I can barely function anymore because I'm shaking and dropping everything. I'm so angry all the time. I wake up pissed and my heart beats so hard and fast, it freaks me out. After my first alanon meeting, I was diagnosed with tmj from clenching my jaw. I never realized I was doing it so often. I found this out from urgent care and then followed up with my dentist and Dr. But now I don't even have a Dr. Anymore. They just want to give me antidepressants and I stubbornly got off of them. I'm not sure if they work that great for me...I've tried at least 4 of them. I have a new dentist but no dr. for myself. I'm not even sure how I could even explain this to a Dr. I really don't like them very much either. I went to see my Mom tonight for her birthday and of course he didn't go. He said he would go if I want him to but I'm not going to force him. . . He doesn't like my family very much and doesn't say very nice things about them while he's drinking. And he makes fun of my brothers and me...in front of our kids. . .I could write a book about all the ways he's hurt my feelings and our kids feelings. I just can't even remember it all. I think my brain blocks a lot of it...I've written a lot in a journal to keep track of all his nonsense and my feelings but it's gotten to the point where I can't keep anything like that around. I write stuff down and throw it away but he would come home from work and start digging in the trash...so I started burning my notes. A couple weeks ago I burned a journal from 2009....well, I've got to get these kids to bed and "he's" passed out on the couch..... I'm asking for prayers please. Maybe God will listen to a few more of us. Thank you

As I was thinking about all this, I remembered another incredible lesson learned from alanon, that it wasn't my fault. That was amazing to hear because of course, I've felt like it was my fault many times and even now it's hard to remember that.

Hosea, I am praying for you!

Bonblue, Mark used to do that...it's so awful. It's hard to figure out what's real and what is a coping mechanism my mind set up for survival...am I seeing reality? Why can't I seem to remember horrible stuff that happened to me last week that would have been appalling before loving/life with an alcoholic? Hosea, I feel a lot of concern for you. Mine is passed on now, but I feel forever scarred. God bless you and your little child. James 4:8

Laurie, thank you for leading me to that verse in James 4. I guess I need to draw close to God for him to maybe draw close to me...I've been wanting to go to church mute but I've only gone once recently. I'm also so sorry your love has passed on. I have a headache for the 3rd day and I have to work today. He comes home a little before noon and I go in at noon. He'll probably be drunk when I get home at 5.

Bless your heart Laurie, I can only imagine the pain of losing someone you deeply loved but also someone who did not seem to care if they hurt the ones they love, even though we know deep down under the drugs and alcohol there is a person that loved us too,
The fight between good and evil.... do we hate them for all the pain they caused us but how can we hate and forgive a person that hurt us over and over again.
Most widower and widows can truly grive aloss of a loved one but we have so many deep scars to mend and are we reliefed to see them gone and is it terrible for us to even think that way. This would it truly hard for us to let go of our pain more .
Many blessings for you at this time for you. Big Hugs too,
A friend alway :- )