ladies, i haven't been on in awhile for a number of reasons, one of which is i'm afraid to post when things are going well because i feel like somehow it will jinx any forward steps we may have made. the AH has been working, temp work but out of the house, bringing in an income and you'd expect that he'd be feeling better about himself. discovered earlier this week that his current gig is "boring" so he's been chugging a mini micky of vodka every night before coming home. listen. he wakes up early, 430, leaves to be at work for 7 (it's about a 15 minute drive) and he isn't home until after 7. so that means he is in bed early. we barely see him. so in the two hours that we have to spend with him HE'S DRUNK. and HIGH. he says he'll put our daughter to sleep and then he passes out. fantastic. 

for months he's been talking about writing this book for people struggling with addiction (AS IF), a 21-day plan that will get him sober. in my opinion, nut up or shut up. he was supposed to start on sunday, but there's always a reason not to. then he was suppsoed to start on wednesday. but that meant he has been drinking EVERY DAY since last friday. tonight was the kicker. he will sit in his car and chug the micky before he comes inside (he can't drink and drive anymore because of his breathalyzer, so i find it ironic that he will still sit behind the wheel. if he ever wanted to play dumb i could just tell him to start the car :| and then watch him squirm). he was fine when he walked in the door but 20 minutes later... there's the stupid drunk. 

honestly, why are you even here if you choose alcohol first? he was trying to tell my daughter he's going to put money in a big glass jug for her education because "he cares about her". if you care about her, you won't show up drunk and spend the hour of time that you have with her stumbling around and in general being an asshole. that's just me, of course. i happened to be standing in the doorway in what was apparently an "oppressive" manner and he got in my face about it. bare in mind i'm pregnant and my dd is within three feet of us. "get out of my f***ing way" i just looked at him. another threat, "move out of my way or you will be moved." i looked him in the eye - as if he could focus - and reminded him if he even so much as lays a finger on me, he knows what that means - he's out. this whole thing that he's been "working so hard for" is over so he may as well just go punch his time card on life right then and there. i moved out of his way, but i tend to stick around when he's doing stuff with her because he will say or do something stupid or inappropriate. which of course he ended up doing. i walked away so i could come and write this post and do some work and then i hear fussing from her and him saying he's not taking her to school in the morning or ever again :| what an idiot. and you want to tell me that you're a good parent when you're drunk? before that he talked to me - he put his hand on my back and i wanted to punch him in the face - "oh we need this, we need to remember this, so be angry, you're part of my program" or some stupid bull shit. did you really need to get this shit-faced again before you came home to your family, to disappoint me and your mother and your toddler who literally jumps up and down at the door waiting for you? honestly, the rage that builds in me when he is drunk, it's overwhelming. just how self-involved do you have to be to think that's appropriate? 

while i was trying to put my tantruming toddler in her pjs and get her into bed, he felt like he needed to interject a few times and i'm just like go. the eff. away. no one needs you and no one wants you. then he takes three almost full mugs down the stairs and because he 1) isn't paying attention 2) is drunk he falls probably halfway down a full flight of stairs. we hear the crash and one of the mugs shatter. so he's lying at the bottom of the stairs, groaning and in a puddle of tea and i just wanted to leave him there or kick him while he was down. he broke one of my favorite mugs! he's broken so many of my things during his drunken tirades. i honestly didn't care that much that he had hurt himself, part of me felt like - SERVES YOU RIGHT. idiot. i played the doting spouse for all of five minutes, i don't know what to do when someone falls down the stairs. it's not the first time he's done that because he's been drunk. you reap what you sow. when he falls asleep on the couch i leave him there because he's going to suffer the consequences of his own actions. 

I have an appointment to meet the OB who is going to be taking me through the rest of the pregnancy tomorrow at 10 and he said he wants to take me. he hasn't seemed particularly invested in this pregnancy, he acts excited and like he's looking forward to it but he's the typical alcoholic, completely self absorbed in himself. the largest part of me wants to say eff you, i don't want you with me. why should he get to be apart of the special things when he can't be even remotely available for the worst parts of our life? he doesn't deserve to see baby moving around in an ultrasound, doesn't deserve any kind of accolades for being a supportive partner because he's not. i'm not as angry as i was when i started writing this but i keep thinking about his saying, "we need to remember this". i remember it ALL. every last second. every word that was said and thing that was done, that he gets to live in igornance of. one day, i'll look back and wonder how i survivied without leaving or doing more damage. anything for my kid.