Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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anonymous0112 08/17/2017

Hi everyone, I'm new to this group and this is my first post. My husband and I are about to celebrate our 1 year anniversary in a few days. This past year has been a complete roller coaster. I've read many of your stories and it sounds like I don't really need to tell you how it's been. Before my husband and I got married, there were some "signs" and weird tendancies that I knew deep down that he had a problem with alcohol. But I just ignored it and told myself it was part of being in your 20s. I ignored it because he is the most amazing, funny, caring, loving man when he's not drinking. Even when he is drinking, he usually just shuts down and doesn't speak so it's not like he's mean, but obviously it still hurts.

I would catch him hiding alcohol from me and we would get into a big fight, but then things would go back to normal and it was fine. Until it happened again a month later. And then again another month later. And then again another month later... I think you see where this is going. Then, I found out he had been going to the liquor store every single day for a month without me knowing. Sometimes twice a day. I felt so stupid. How could I have not seen this. How did I let this happen.

Basically these past 2 months have been hell. We're in our 20s so we have a wedding to go to almost every weekend and a lot of social obligations. Bachelor/bachelorette parties. But it's embarassing. He gets too drunk and we always have to leave early.

We're in therapy right now. But I guess I just don't understand the point. Our therapist is having him work on "not lying to me" and having him "tell me when he wants to drink". Which I'm just like ?????? How is this helping? And of course he lies to me about drinking like the day after therapy every single time.

I could go on forever about the things that have been happening, but I'm just having a hard time dealing with all of this.

I'm terrified for the future. Can he change? So much of what I've read suggests that he can't. I've read so many of your stories and you're talking about 30 years of marriage to an AH. I'm not even a year in and I don't know if I want to do this.

Is that horrible? Is that selfish of me? He was there for me when I was having a really tough time with my own struggles.

But I guess this feels different. I feel like it's only going to get worse because I don't believe that anything will change. I can't even imagine trying to bring kids into the mix.

Some days I feel strong and some days I wish I never would have got married. And I just feel shame.

I want to believe that he can change, but if I'm realistic with myself I guess I just don't believe that he can.

CeeCee4 08/17/2017

Girl if you can get out now. But if you want to stay know it's a long ass road and he may never change. You have to set your boundaries and limitations and if he can't meet those then you have a decision to make. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living like this everyday? If the answer is no, then don't be afraid to speak up. I am all for staying in a marriage and making things work if you can. But make sure you take care of you I think know what you want and what your limits are and keeping those boundaries set really helps. But talk to him and let him know that he has a problem and needs help and see his response

A5539 08/17/2017

It's a great start that you already recognize the problem. When you are ready, I would recommend providing him choices - your marriage or alcohol. Be prepared for the emotional turmoil if and when you discover that losing you is not his rock bottom. It's tough and I am currently sorting through this agony. Like my counselor said, Addiction is a monster.

Bringing kids into the mix really complicates things. My kids are my focus and get me through some crazy moments, but they will forever tie me to the chaos and pain associated with addiction. Wouldn't change marrying my future ex AH because my kids are so special, but they do complicate getting out of the marriage and the situation after divorce. How do you ever trust that your children are safe with an alcoholic? A question I am often asking myself.

Sadly, through many of the stories I have heard about alcoholics, it often seems their rock bottom is totally self-involved. Such as, their health was failing. Or, they went to jail. Or, they lost their job. Not because they destroyed the trust in their marriage, or hurt their child's sense of security, or whatever it might be. They hurt everyone around them through their addiction and have a true inability to understand the pain they cause.

Anyway, my pain is very raw right now and I relate to what you are saying. You are young and independent of any children - I would run for the hills. Start over. There is no shame in not wanting to continue the way you are living.

This forum was the impetus to give me the strength to say 'no more.' I thank you all for that.

learningpatience 08/17/2017

I'm in year four Of dealing with a raging alcoholic who was t as bad as we met. He's been to rehab once and he went back to his "old ways" almost immediately. Girl I feel you and I'm earl thirties. I had hopes and plans for my life, including more children - a prospect that changes every month as I get older. In hindsight I would have left before we got to this point but I naievely thought it would get better because of our daughter. I won't say he doesn't love her, but he sure as hell let's his addiction rule his life. I'm at a point where I don't care anymore, about the pain his in or the mental illness that causes his alcoholism. He doesn't care about the damage he's done to us... I haven't left because I literally have very little and until now the thought of having to tear my daughter away from her life has been devastating. Ideally he would leave - has even said as much - but he always comes back because we let him. Ultimatly, I have to leave: I have to stand on my own two feet and walk out of here with my head held high. Sometimes they can change it's true but it takes a LOT and like the poster before me it's neve because of the harm they cause to the people who love them the most. Alcoholics are inherently selfish, regardless the reason they pick up the bottle, doesn't matte How much you love them.
You might like the book codependent no more by melonie Beattie (melody?) it has helped me a lot and I think it will help a lot of other people too. But whatever you do you are not selfish for protecting yourself and your own well being.

anonymous0112 08/17/2017

Wow thank you all for your replies. You are all so strong.

The thing is, I want to stay with him. I want to make it work, but only if he can change - which just sounds like a fairy tale and something that doesn't often happen.

It's so true what you're saying about the selfishness. We recently had a good few days, which was triggered because I had lovingly told him that the alcohol was starting to make him look old and fat. That was the first thing I've said to him that he actually responded to. Not the fact that I cry myself to sleep every night or that I'm sad 100% of the time. Nope, it was that HE was getting fat.

He has agreed to go to outpatient treatment, but I think he would just be doing that for me. He knows he has a problem (sometimes), but he somehow thinks in his mind that he can control it and go on to be just a "social drinker". So I'm uncertain treatment will help, since he's not ready to stop drinking. But obviously it won't hurt to try - I've become so pessimistic that I'm brushing off treatment before it's even happened...

I also don't know if he has the will power to go to outpatient treatment and not drink. He travels for work almost every week and he's grown so accustomed to getting drunk on the plane and at airports.

I'm just completely lost. I have support from his parents, his sister, and my mom, but of course they're not living it like I am. And none of us know what we're doing. I want him to go to inpatient treatment, but he won't even entertain the conversation. Which I kind of understand... I mean he has a job. We have student loans, we need to support ourselves financially too.

I keep telling myself I'm just not going to care about what he does and just focus on me. But easier said than done.

Thank you for the book recommendation. I'll definitely check that out.

ljm63 08/17/2017

I'm one of the women on here who has been married over 30 years (36). I'm not going to say divorce is the answer but, in your situation you should definitely keep it as an option. You are young and have no children to keep you in this marriage. I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to give him a chance to get the help/treatment that he needs, if he will actually go. Take the time to see if it works. If not, then you will have to make the decision that's best for you. From my experience with my AH, I would then run as fast as I could and don't look back. Take it from those of us who have been in this for such a long time, if treatment doesn't work, life with an alcoholic will not get better, only worse. I feel like you're off to a good start though by recognizing there is a definite problem and you are both in counseling. I hope you can find strength here as I have. And, I hope for only the best for you, and all of us!

DSTRICK 08/19/2017

Just had our 30th Anniversary, didn't really celebrate. I married him at 22 and knew he was a drinker, that didn't matter at the time to me he was sweet, loving and good man. He worked hard and wanted a family. I fooled myself thinking that I could change him. I've having changed him at times I think I've made it worst. Threats of leaving knowing that I wouldn't go anywhere and now he knows I'm not leaving so why should he quit!! If I could go back 30 yrs or even 10 yrs ago I would have left. I didn't want to see how his actions effected my kids. Now their grown and when they tell me things it makes me wanna cry. I didn't see that he was driving daily with my babies while he was drinking. He couldn't wait till he got home he had a 20 mile drive anything could have happened. He allowed my 12 yr old some drive him and my 8 yr old daughter home from a friend's house because he was to drunk to drive. My kids won't allow him to be alone with our grandkids. He would never intentionally harm them but they lived the life. I'm not trying to scare u or tell u what to do, but offering advise to u if you want to be him stand ur growns TUFF LOVE! I know it's easier said than done but it's the only way. Wish I had practice that long ago! I admitted to my AH that I knew if I had ever gave him a choice that I wouldn't ever win, the alcohol will always be his #1. Even if he quits it will always be #1! It's not easy living with an AH but many of us do and will probably continue because it's all we know. Best of luck to u I truly wish u the best and I'm also waiting for a fairy tale, maybe 1 day I will find 1.

learningpatience 08/20/2017

I was recently involved in a group therapy session at the rehab my partner was in (he finally agreed to inpatient, outpatient didn't work for him and you will learn there is a cycle of acceptance, you're AH is in pre-contemplation, I encourage you to look that up in reference to addiction). There was a mother who had been dealing with her sons addiciton for 14 years and she could not set the necessary boundaries that might save his life, or at least hers to an extent (financially and her relationship I could see what it was doing to her and her husband) because she held onto this dream that they would be a perfect family, but that's what it is. A dream. I am no longer unde any illusions that we will be the perfect couple of family that I see on social media, it sucks because that's what I want and what my daughter wants but unless my AH commits to sobriety he is incapable of being that man, that partner, that father. Right now you need to find your own strength. Yes, there is always hope that treatment will work, but realistically the statistics on those who come out of rehab and stay sober are not very promising. I think they say 90% relapse, or something like that. Not to that relapse is the end of the road, because it doesn't have to be, most times they can grow stronger from it. My AH re,passed almost immediately after his 28 day stint, even when the counsellors were addressing the emotional and physical reasons behind his drinking (because addictions are likened to pain killers - almost every addict is in extreme pain. You can also look up Gabor Mate if you like, he's a doctor in BC working with addicts who are on the street and his videos are very insightful.)

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