I understand not wanting to be intimate because of the drinking. It turned me off years ago. I eventually couldn't even sleep in the same room with him. It is very lonely, but necessary for your own sanity. Just remember that you are the healthy, sane one in the marriage. It is not a healthy relationship to be in. It is all very toxic for us, who can handle life in a healthy, stable way. He isn't or has not for a long time, acted like a normal husband. Do not feel bad for the feelings you have. He chose to put alcohol between you two and not focus on you and your relationship. Mentally, he is still stuck in his little boy emotions. He is incapable of thinking about anything but drinking. When he isn't drinking and has been sober for awhile, he is suffering because he never fully learned how to cope with life. That is why they drink, to escape what they are too afraid to face, anything that they think they cannot handle. Like hard times, uncomfortable feelings and emotions, responsibilities, ect..

Shift your focus and energy to healing and rediscovering who you really are. Figure out how to become the real you again. Make good, healthy choices for you. Let him make his own choices and deal with the concequences of his choices, on his own. Just know that you are right in not wanting to be intimate with him due to the alcohol. Just because you are his wife does not mean that you have to do things that are going against what you are feeling. You do not have to be intimate with your husband if he isn't making you his priority, taking care of and meeting your needs, or even being your friend. If the love has been compromised and security and trust, we don't have to give over intimacy because we are their wife on paper.

Take care of your mind and emotions and guard your heart. The more you search for answers, the more they will come to you. You are strong and deserve better than you are getting. You deserve to receive what you give.

You have no idea how much that meant to me reading that, bluespirit. Are you still married to your AH? If so, what is the “key” to surviving the marriage as long as you have?

I spent the day with my family because he had to work. Yet again, when I get home he is off drinking in another room. I tell him that I would like for him to sleep in the bedroom tonight instead of the couch. But..yet again...I’m upset and hurt that he hasn’t even acknowledged me since I’ve been home. I mean, he hasnt seen me all day...and doesn’t even care. He even calls his friend after he knows that I’m waiting for him to come to bed. I’m bottom priority yet again. There is no way this is a “normal” marriage. Wives shouldn’t feel ignored and unloved. He gave me the whole spill this morning before I went to work about how 2018 is going to be different. He said he will use baby steps to drink less. I started expressing how I felt and how I didn’t believe him and he told me I was too negative. Negative?! Excuse me for dealing with this with you for 5 years and being skeptical.

I feel the exact same way. I'm exhausted I'm done I can't take it anymore the man I adored loved and faught for seems to be gone. The thought of intimacy makes me cringe and that is terrifying. I have two babies and I feel by loving there dad I am failing them. I promised myself no matter how much it hurts in the new year I will change this for me and my kids.

I have felt the exact same way you have! I’ve felt this way for about a year ever since I found out about my AH spending time a strip clubs. And then just recently a month ago one night he came home completely drunk. Couldn’t stand on his own. And he threatened my life that night. The next day I told him I was done. He begged me to give it one last chance. I told him fine one more try. But the moment he has another drink I’m taking my kids and leaving. So for the last month he has made my skin crawl. How are supposed to be intimate with someone that has once threatened you?! He stayed sober for a month and I thought maybe he was right and actually going to try and be sober! But once again disappointment strikes again. Last week he was up all night drinking. I didn’t slee at all that night. I don’t trust him when he is drunk anymore. So at 7am once the kids woke up I took them and I left. That was Wednesday morning. I haven’t heard from him and I haven’t looked back. My kids just think we are having a big winter break slumber party at my sisters. Idk what I’ll tell them. But I’m not going back. He will never change. If threatening your wife’s life while she’s cleaning up your barf, doesn’t make you see how ridiculous all of this truly is, then I don’t think he will ever change or get help. Sorry to go on a rant about myself lol I guess I just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone. We’ve all tried our hardest to love these men. There’s only so much we can take. A one sided marriage is too hard. Hang in there friend!

hopelesswife, I am still married. We are in our 18th year of marriage. My struggles with him have been since before we married. But I fell into the traps of thinking my love would be enough to help him be better and believing that we wanted the same things out of life. About a year and a half ago it got to the point where I told him I was done and that I wanted a divorce. We are still together, but he knows I am done. But he still plays his games and drinks. I started looking into information about alcoholics, narcissists, emotional and verbal abuse, and seeing the patterns of abuse and manipulations I had experienced over the years from him. It really started me on the path to healing and detaching from him for good. I had already been detaching for years, for my own sanity. But I am finally at a point where he does what he does, but I no longer allow myself the be affected in any way, by any of his behaviors. And I definitely do not trust anything that comes out of his mouth anymore. It is humorous to watch him scramble to play his pointless games with me, to no affect. But it has taken a lot of time, introspection and growth, to get to this point. We all have the capacity to get here, we just have to separate our experiences and growth from being affected by their actions and reactions to us and life. The more you learn about what you have been put through, and give them names (like gaslighting, projecting, deflecting, etc) and all the other terms that go along with the abuse you have experience, you will grow more strong in who you are and where you need to be some day.

ellabella, good for you for not putting up with the crap anymore. It is good that you see he will never change and got out before he had the chance to actually physically hurt you or your kids. I wish you all the luck in the world, for a better life for you and your kids. You are so strong.