Wives of Alcoholics Community Group

A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.

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grapewoman 12/30/2013

How the hell did I end up here?! We've had the grandson down with us for a few days, now two of the granddaughters. My AH can't pull his head out of the bottle long enough to enjoy them. We have been together for almost 16 years and I have three children from a previous marriage but he has no kids. I have 7 grandchildren, ages from 11 years old to 1 1/2 years old. My AH is a severe alcoholic. He drinks Wild Turkey 101 and goes through a little over 2 half gallons a week. I literally wake up with one man and go to bed with another. The grandkids used to love coming here and they still do, but it's mainly because of me. When he starts drinking, he's loud and obnoxious, telling everyone what they should do. My kids hardly ever want to get together because of him and really don't want the grandkids around him and I don't blame them. As they are getting older, they are understanding more of what a problem he has. Especially since my youngest son, Robert, passed away this past May due to an accidental drug overdose. I'm dealing with having to lose my son and can't even grieve because I have to deal with an AH who is a narcissist and makes his snide comments about how he doesn't want somebody sitting around crying when he dies. And sitting here right now hearing him talk out of his head, I can't imagine crying for him if he died. That's a horrible thing to say, but it's true. I am so tired of this crazy life. I've not only had to deal with the loss of my son this year but also medical problems that caused me to give up my business. And being in two auto accidents, one a month after my son died and another the next month. As cold-hearted as it sounds, I'm hoping to get a decent settlement out of the first accident to pay some of the bills off for him, the. I'm moving out of here. I'm willing to walk away from everything I've helped build just to get away from him. Then I have some days where I think, why leave now? I've put up with it this long and I'm not sure he has much longer to live anyway. When my son was in the hospital, I learned a lot about respiratory rates and my husband has a very high one. He wakes up choking a lot and vomits almost everyday. If he's ever thrown up blood, he's not mentioned it.
I'm just at my wits end. I don't understand why I've even stayed as long as I have. He's never been physically abusive, but he is verbally abusive. Even to the grandkids. Always pointing out their faults. I keep telling him they are little kids but when he's drunk, he doesn't care how his words hurt.
Any advice??

lori47 12/30/2013

My advise is go through with getting financially in the position to leave AND work on getting emotionally ready to leave. I would suggest counseling and attending al anon. The effects of living with an alcoholic as long as you have are there in you and you have to deal with these effects to successfully move on with your life. Truthfully I found divorcing my EXAH much easier than emotionally separating from him and believe me divorcing him broke my heart. Emotionally getting him out of my head has completely smashed my heart but I'm slowly but surely starting to move on with my life.

I finally accepted that nothing would ever change with him and I don't want to go through anything like this ever again in my life.

grapewoman 12/30/2013

I went to an al anon meeting a few months ago, for help in dealing with him, plus the loss of my son. I had just started having my sciatic nerve pain again and was unable to attend anymore. And now that I am able to get around again, the holidays came and it was all I could do to just be able to deal with them without my son. Now that things are calming down, I do want to start back. I know I definitely need help with dealing with the emotional roller coaster I've been on for so long. And I agree, I know I NEVER want to go through this again. I'd much rather be alone. It's funny how you do change as you get older and know what you will and will not put up with again. And losing my son has definitely made a lot of changes in my life. I guess it's just getting used to not wanting to continue to be with someone who can make my emotions change in a matter of seconds. I can love him one minute and then he says something stupid and I'm trying to figure out what I ever saw in him??

keatamax 12/31/2013

I'm very sorry for the loss of your son. Hug.

I have been married for 16 years and met with an attorney yesterday to begin divorce proceedings. Please don't surrender the rest of your life to living like you are now. You have wonderful grandchildren to enjoy, and personally I wouldn't let them be around your AH due to his verbal abuse. The alcoholic chips away at our self-esteem and makes us doubt if we could survive without them. Well, the truth is, HELL YES, we can. There will be challenges, but you need to take back control of your life.

I feel empowered just having met with an attorney, and knowing that there is hope and I don't have to live like this much longer. Someone once said "sometimes you have to give up on people, not because you don't care, but because they don't". This rings true in my situation. My husband self-medicates with vodka due to depression. I have tried to help him with various therapists, counseling, meds, etc. over the past 6 years - but the truth is, he has just gone along for the ride and have never had an interest in becoming well of his own volition.

If you need some encouragement and help putting things in perspective, go to www.empoweredrecovery.com and they have a book by the same name ("Empowered Recovery") that you can download. It has given me strength and made me realize how his alcohol has affected me (codependency). Codependency is crazy - it sneaks into your life and while we hate this life, it has become all we know and we think we'd be lost without it. It has helped me to recognize certain behaviors so I can change them and no longer be codependent on an AH.

grapewoman 12/31/2013

Thank you! It's a blessing to know I'm not the only one, but I'm sad there seems to be too many more out there like me. I'm glad you finally found the courage to change your situation. My grandchildren don't come here much at all, not at all like they used to. And they usually only stay the one night. But I'm so tired of walking on the proverbial eggshells to keep things peaceful. I wish my AH would attempt help but he does not see a problem at all. He says "everybody" drinks like he does. Well, I don't!! And if anyone has a reason to, it's me! I lost my business in April due to health reasons, my son died in May, I was in an auto accident in June one month to the day he died and suffer from severe whiplash and a herniated disc in my neck because of it, then another accident in July. Then had my sciatic nerve pain start again in October due to a herniated disc in my back, which is why I had to give up my business. But I've been learning a lot about myself since my son passed and the one thing I know is that I will not continue this way. It may take me a few months or so to get my things in order to be able to leave, but I will. He won't change and I know that. There is no use wasting any more time.
Thanks for your advice! I hope things work out well for you.
Hugs.
Penny

11Christmases 01/01/2014

Grapewoman, Many hugs to you during this difficult time!

A few things about your post made me think. About the settlement from the accident, I think you should keep it all to yourself. It may not even count as marital property in a divorce. Ask your attorney. I understand wanting to pay off bills, but I hope you mean bills in your name only. Let AH pay his own bills, don't enable.

What are your thoughts on why he vomits? Are you thinking it is from liver damage?

I also recommend the book keatamax mentions, Empowered Recovery. Great book. I feel so validated reading how common my experience is. There are also checklists about what to do when leaving.

May 2014 bring you peace and happiness!

grapewoman 01/01/2014

Thank you, 11Christmases! Yes, some of the bills are credit cards that I've had to use to keep our heads above water because since I had to give up my business, I lost a $2500 a month income and due to me not working because of the accident as well, I used them to pay bills, some of them mine. Luckily, it's not a lot.

I'm not sure what is causing the vomiting? I would say liver damage is part of it. He smokes, too, and when he coughs, it's to the point of choking. Drinking 100 proof alcohol for so long has to be taking a toll on his health.

I will search for the book you all recommended. I'm also going back to Al Anon. I need all the help I can get.

Thanks for the advice.

Happy New Year to you!

deleted_user 01/02/2014

Grapewoman: Don't count on the fact that he's "sick" now means he won't be around long. My "other mother" (girlfriend's mother who I was very close to) was a terrible alcoholic. Drank all day. First thing in the morning, she'd have a shot of vodka, and it continued throughout the day. She usually went through a fifth of vodka a day, and sometimes a fifth plus a pint. She drank while she was at work, and she was plastered within an hour or two of getting home. She drove drunk (before all the good drunk driving laws), and she drove drunk with her daughter in the car all the time. Being a kid, I didn't realize the magnitude of it then, but do now. She was sick for YEARS before she finally passed. She had bleeding varicose veins in her throat because of drinking so much straight liquor. She had scirosis of the liver for years. She would vomit and cough up blood. But I swear from what I always thought was the worst of her health problems until she finally passed was at least 10 years. Don't wait it out. It's not worth it!

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