I hope things have improved somewhat....sending you hugs and strength to get through it.

Thank you Julie, I am a lot stronger and things seems to have calmed down he is distracted. He can be the perfect man one minute and the next a tiger. It is difficult keeping up with the changes he goes through daily. Usually I don't get myself close enough to be affected. How can an agressive man get emotional when he watches videos and a few things on tv. I am still working it out. Any ideas please?

You can spend years trying to work it out but it's pointless, their brains are wired wrong hence their entire lives being controlled by their addiction. The "off" switch that we are designed to have in our brains, alcoholics don't have or they don't work as they should, if they did, they wouldn't be an addict. none of us are on here are because our off switch works. Its called the opioid receptor.
Therefore we try and try and try again to get them to stop drinking but they won't, unless they really want to and are prepared to spend every day fighting against that "want" to drink.
Al anon will say they don't "want" to drink but believe me they do, my husband and someone he meant at AA both said, they "love" getting drunk and just being in their own world.
Then it goes too far and they need to drink just to stay alive!!!
All the other stuff like the verbal abuse, shouting, screaming, blaming you comes from the fact the alcohol turns them into monsters. You never hear the partner of an alcoholic say "He just sits there quietly, leaves me alone, tidies up after himself any goes off to bed ready for work the next day"
I have spent many a lonely evening sat researching alcoholism and it's a horrible thing. Yes the alcoholic has the "Disease of addiction" but the loving partners suffer the side effects, the alcoholic just goes off gets drunk again and forgets the world.
Sending you all hugs xx

Thank you for your post. Had another rough night last night with my AH where I got yelled at and he said F you to me multiple times. Stayed awake until 4am and am so down this morning. Helps to read about the brain chemistry involved that causes the horrible behavior.

Thanks for posting this Sll82. It is so hard to keep things in perspective when the alcoholic turns your life upside down on a daily basis. I am so tired of this merry go round...I really wish that I could get off of it :(

There must be something in the air - most of the post the last few days are relating to verbal abuse...I was going to post to the group myself asking if it was just my AH that was being a royal (fill in the blank here). I was outside working (physical labor with chainsaw) and he steps out 'telling me how to do it' I tell him I am dong it the way I can - he gets loud and upset - yelling then storms off back into the house turns the stereo up so loud I can hear it from the other side of the property. About an hour later he comes out asking how it is going - all friendly lie nothing ever happened, then back inside. Of course did not offer to help...like the time a tree fell on the roof so I hopped up to cut it down, a neighbor told him about it, he came out saw I was up there and got upset he was bothered because I was taking care of it...
The selfish nature is so frustrating. The disease by itself is one blow, then add in the little boy ego is another blow. toss in their lack of self esteem and reality that they have drank away their lives. How many hits do we all take daily? I like the pragmatic statement that it is the spouses that suffer the side effects of this disease.
I am forcing myself to set and stick to my boundaries. I am sorry you are having a difficult time with your AH. They must not realize exactly what they are doing because they are in the 'buzzed state of mind'. Very sad. Stay safe!

People mention the BIG BETRAYALS like cheating, hiding money, spousal abuse, never coming home, being a shitty parent. But no one mentions the BIG BETRAYALS to us, the spouse of one of these monsters.

I can personally say that the man I love screaming FUCK YOU at me hurts more than a slap would. I hope things get better for you dear.

The verbal abuse is scarring. I agree 100%. I was called a "F&^% B*((" in text last week and I have still not gotten over it. That was the first time that has happened. Why did I get called that? Cause he fell down some stairs from being drunk and I could not get him up the stairs so I called his sister to help me. Then they act like nothing happened the next day? It is maddening sometimes! So messed up. Hugs to every one of you who endures this abuse daily. Until I experienced this, I had NO IDEA what sig others/spouses went through with an alcoholic partner or family member. We endure the pain and scars and they just go to work and about their daily life as if it never happened. Hugs to you all!

You would think being raised by a very verbally and emotionally abusive father would toughen me up to this bullshit, but it just makes me feel worse. Yes, like you guys, I ask, "is it my fault?" "what did I do now?" blah blah blah. These are GROWN MEN who are scared little babies inside who need a drink just to EXIST and WE are the ones at fault? I've posted this before and I am posting this again:

WHEN SOMEONE POINTS AN ACCUSING FINGER AT YOU, REMEMBER, THERE ARE THREE FINGERS POINTING BACK AT THEM.

May they all go to hell.

I am sorry you're going through this and understand what it's like to live with an alcoholic. I read a book called, Codependent No More, which helped me so much and talking with someone to help understand how to deal with the verbal abuse was important to my mental and emotional well being. I hope you have or seek out a support system. Praying for you.

My AH likes to try to get me to have sex with him while he is stupid drunk. I will never forget the time he tried to have sex with me and When I turned him down he said, “Don’t flatter yourself, I would rather have sex with a hooker in Chicago.”
That scarred.
And it’s not even true. He just said that to hurt me. Soon after is when he swung his arm at me, luckily did not hit me. I was so scared, pissed, like literally having a silent panic attack next to him in bed. I know not to mess with him too much when he is that drunk. So in the morning I called his father and told him he better get his POS son out of my house or I will get the cops to get him out. One and only time I ever involved his Dad. His Dad comes over, talks with my husband. Tells him how they come from a family of “mean drunks”...then buys him a bottle of Jack Daniels for his birthday a few weeks later.
Slap in the face. You know he will finish that in 3 days right? 3 days of hell for
Me. These are the idiots that I deal with.

Much love to you girls for putting up with all the crap that you do. It all sucks. But you know? I find peace in living in my own little hippie world. I make soap and I keep myself busy with all that stuff. This is my life too. I’m not gonna live in that silent pain forever.
There are good times and bad. Enjoy the good times and try to distract yourself and avoid the bad times.