Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
Hello ladies, Danielle here. It's been awhile since I've been here. We are out
in the country now and the internet sucks even worse than dial up so I don't get
online much. But I have a dilema and could use some of your wise feedback
because as we all know, dealing with an alcoholic often makes us question our
sanity!
I was (technically still am unfortunately) married to my AH for 17 years, he was
drinking for the last 7. We have two boys ages 9 and 12.His behavior was getting
more and more erratic and reckless. Every week was a new, sometimes scary close
call with the kids. The final straw was when he left our then 11 yr old at a
public park to fish alone at 11 o'clock at night. I called the police and he was
arrested for child endangerment. After 6 long months and 3 rescheduled court
dates his charges were finally dropped to a misdemeanor 'disturbing the peace'.
He had an alcohol ankle monitor on for that 6 months but when the charges were
reduced they took the monitor off. He's currently on a two yr probation and was
ordered not to drink and drive (which they knew he had done, they just couldn't
prove it).
My boys and I moved in with my parents about a half hour away and Tim got his
own apartment in town. Things were ok between us, we were able to be civil, he's
paying child support, the kids adjusted to a new school. Once in awhile we do
stuff as a 'family' for the kids sake but I have no desire to be with him again.
I have continued to hope that we can move forward, be co-parents, maybe even
friends because he truly is a nice guy and I enjoy his non-drinking company.
Now for the current dilema...He has started drinking again. I'm not sure when
but I suspect it was around march because he had a bad case of sciatica and
alcohol is how he's always dealt with pain in the past. I would catch a whiff of
it on his breath when dropping the kids off or the kids would tell me something
that seemed 'off', like how tired daddy was the night before but I didn't want
to seem paranoid. I was in denial because I wanted things to work out for their
sake. And I am exhausted from dealing with this mess he has created. I point
blank asked him once and he denied it.
There was no more denying it after this weekend though. I camped out with the 3
of them and he was falling down drunk by midnight. I found the Ball jar he was
hiding the vokda in in his car (we drove seperately) after they all went to
sleep. The boys either don't know this or they are in denial too. I have talked
with them extensively about how they need to let me know if they think their dad
is drinking while they are with him but they adore him and wsnt to spend as much
time with him as possible. My oldest especially blames me for leaving his dad
and all that entails. He's very angry about the whole situation.
AH has been promising to take them on vacation all summer. I didn't really think
he'd get it together enough to actually do it because an overnight stay is about
all he can handle. Plus, he had work related stuff he had to be around for in
June and July and the boys go back to school Aug 14 so it didn't seem like there
would be time. Now, out of the blue, he has taken July 29-Aug4 off and promised
to take them to the Cumberland River in Tennessee! I am completely freaking out!
How can I let them go with an alcoholic? What if he drinks and drives and gets
in a wreck? Or passes out while they are camping near the river? But if I don't
let them go I will never hear the end of it from my kids, especially the older
one who has already warned me that I'd 'better not ruin this' for them after I
mentioned a party they'd be missing if they went.
What can I do? Even if I turn him into his P.O. I doubt there's anything he can
do about it unless they actually catch him drinking and driving before then
which is unlikely because he walks most everywhere. I thought about hiring a
private detective to follow him but I really don't have that kind of money or
anyway to get it. Is there a solution I'm not seeing that will at least get me
off the hook for being the bad guy...again? Or am I being
paranoid/overprotective, like AH always accuses me of?
I HATE this not knowing what to do!
Also, Tim does not know yet that I know. As much as I wanted to go off on him
and throw the empty jar of alcohol in his face, the kids were having such good
time I could not bring myself to ruin it.
in the country now and the internet sucks even worse than dial up so I don't get
online much. But I have a dilema and could use some of your wise feedback
because as we all know, dealing with an alcoholic often makes us question our
sanity!
I was (technically still am unfortunately) married to my AH for 17 years, he was
drinking for the last 7. We have two boys ages 9 and 12.His behavior was getting
more and more erratic and reckless. Every week was a new, sometimes scary close
call with the kids. The final straw was when he left our then 11 yr old at a
public park to fish alone at 11 o'clock at night. I called the police and he was
arrested for child endangerment. After 6 long months and 3 rescheduled court
dates his charges were finally dropped to a misdemeanor 'disturbing the peace'.
He had an alcohol ankle monitor on for that 6 months but when the charges were
reduced they took the monitor off. He's currently on a two yr probation and was
ordered not to drink and drive (which they knew he had done, they just couldn't
prove it).
My boys and I moved in with my parents about a half hour away and Tim got his
own apartment in town. Things were ok between us, we were able to be civil, he's
paying child support, the kids adjusted to a new school. Once in awhile we do
stuff as a 'family' for the kids sake but I have no desire to be with him again.
I have continued to hope that we can move forward, be co-parents, maybe even
friends because he truly is a nice guy and I enjoy his non-drinking company.
Now for the current dilema...He has started drinking again. I'm not sure when
but I suspect it was around march because he had a bad case of sciatica and
alcohol is how he's always dealt with pain in the past. I would catch a whiff of
it on his breath when dropping the kids off or the kids would tell me something
that seemed 'off', like how tired daddy was the night before but I didn't want
to seem paranoid. I was in denial because I wanted things to work out for their
sake. And I am exhausted from dealing with this mess he has created. I point
blank asked him once and he denied it.
There was no more denying it after this weekend though. I camped out with the 3
of them and he was falling down drunk by midnight. I found the Ball jar he was
hiding the vokda in in his car (we drove seperately) after they all went to
sleep. The boys either don't know this or they are in denial too. I have talked
with them extensively about how they need to let me know if they think their dad
is drinking while they are with him but they adore him and wsnt to spend as much
time with him as possible. My oldest especially blames me for leaving his dad
and all that entails. He's very angry about the whole situation.
AH has been promising to take them on vacation all summer. I didn't really think
he'd get it together enough to actually do it because an overnight stay is about
all he can handle. Plus, he had work related stuff he had to be around for in
June and July and the boys go back to school Aug 14 so it didn't seem like there
would be time. Now, out of the blue, he has taken July 29-Aug4 off and promised
to take them to the Cumberland River in Tennessee! I am completely freaking out!
How can I let them go with an alcoholic? What if he drinks and drives and gets
in a wreck? Or passes out while they are camping near the river? But if I don't
let them go I will never hear the end of it from my kids, especially the older
one who has already warned me that I'd 'better not ruin this' for them after I
mentioned a party they'd be missing if they went.
What can I do? Even if I turn him into his P.O. I doubt there's anything he can
do about it unless they actually catch him drinking and driving before then
which is unlikely because he walks most everywhere. I thought about hiring a
private detective to follow him but I really don't have that kind of money or
anyway to get it. Is there a solution I'm not seeing that will at least get me
off the hook for being the bad guy...again? Or am I being
paranoid/overprotective, like AH always accuses me of?
I HATE this not knowing what to do!
Also, Tim does not know yet that I know. As much as I wanted to go off on him
and throw the empty jar of alcohol in his face, the kids were having such good
time I could not bring myself to ruin it.
lori47
This dilemma sucks. You didn't mention how old your kids are. Unfortunately I really don't see that you have much of a choice but to let them go. Let them go. They need to see what it is like when you aren't the buffer. We are so used to taking on all burdens. Remind him no drinking and driving. Make sure they have a cell phone where they can call you if needed. Tell them no matter what not to ride with their dad if he is drinking. Tell them it will only cause more problems for their dad. They may step in the roll of the enabler but if they do it is out of your hands. Good luck. Btw my EXAH has very little contact with our kids. He cannot face what he has done to the family. I believe that the kids will naturally drift away if you step out of,the roll of the bad guy. He will just naturally become the bad guy.
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