Wives of Alcoholics Community Group
A forum of healing and help for wives of alcoholics.
As I sit here,alone, I have been reflecting on the things he has said, the things he has done, and simply the treatment he has given. Some I would be embarrassed to say. It's tough as I have isolated myself from many over the years due to humiliation of his behaviors. I stopped being social because it always involved alcohol. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy a couple of drinks with friends, once in a while, but I couldn't with him, so I began declining invites(five years). Many times he going by himself, and then I would hear of the dumb ass shit he would say or do and feel ashamed. I am lonely and in my own head way too much lately. I need to begin finding social outlets. My family doesn't know this time around, it's like "what? again?"
Your reflection sounds so familiar. I isolated myself because I couldn't deal with the public humiliation, the shame, nor the questions. What I didn't know was that his behavior wasn't mine to claim. It's embarrassing for sure, but really just for him.
You do need to find "social outlets," it will help you in more ways than one. I left my husband 20 months ago, and day by day I have seen the light. I think perhaps I have done more things in the 20 months I've been on my own than in the 30 years I lived with him.
I'm sure keeping this from your family is not easy, I successfully kept it from mine, at least the severity of it. They didn't know about the things he said or did. They still don't - I can't open up that much to tell them what he called me, how he scared our kids, how terrifying it can be when he's drunk. Never knowing what might happen, always walking on eggshells. I can't tell you what it's like to have that gone (mostly) from my day to day life. I still expect him to lash out via digital outlets so the eggshells are still there a little. But mostly, that stress is gone. It's amazing not living with the crazy.
It is not easy living with an alcoholic... in fact it's just plain hard.
Sending you hugs, I hope you learn to find peace with yourself - you're probably great company! I'm learning I can not only take care of myself, but I can also be at peace with just myself.
Sending hugs.
Ginny