My AH has been sober since June. Going through the detox process he was miserable (as can be expected). Now, though, for the most part he is back to "normal" other than a few days where he was pretty crabby and seemed to be looking for an argument, which I think just might still be with withdrawal process. When he was "stressed out" or whatever, he would reach for the booze. Now that the booze is gone I think he doesn't know what to do about his feelings and that's where the "bad" days come in.

My AH was pretty much the same drunk or sober until I reacted to his drinking and wanting to start fights by fighting back. Then he would get really nasty and say rotten things to me. He doesn't act that way when sober. I have often wondered if my AH was handing me an act when we first got together just to cover the alcoholism too. I guess I will never know. For me, if I hadn't like the way he treated people before the drinking started, I don't think I would have kept going with him or married him.

Hope you find some peace.

Book

I'm finding the same thing. He's only been out of rehab a week, but has been sober for almost 3 months now. I just feel like he's playing the same manipulative games, not so much argumentative but self-centered and well...irritating as hell!

I don't know how long your AH has been drinking or how much. I do know, now, that mine also got so he was nasty "sober" or drunk. I have since learned that by the time his personality had changed, he had irreparable brain damage from the alcohol.

My therapist, who specializes in addiction says that YEARS aftery drying out completely the old personality may return.

I hope this is NOT your situation, but if it is you would probably be better off prepared for it. I was not at all prepared and it cost a lot of tears.

I guess I can't even give a suggestion because mine has never been sober! He drinks every night and maybe once in a while( when I start harping) he might quit for a night but then just drinks more the next night! When he does stop drinking for that ONE night he hardly talks to me and he is pissed off about anything and everything. The only time he is half way decent is between the first and fourth beer!! Before and after that is not fun. I am realizing that I am just about done wasting my life and my time!!

Thanks for sharing. To clarify, he has been drinking for 15 years... I'm not sure when it started to become a problem. We have only been together 2 years and I didn't see the alcoholism in the beginning... not until after I was pregnant. I would have walked away a long time ago had our son not come along. If there's any chance of fixing it, I want to try for him. But, I feel like there's a nasty rude mean person living in the shell of the person that used to be the love of my life... hoping one day I get him back... but my faith is gone already, and it's only been two years.

I'm calling my insurance company today to see if they cover any portion of therapy costs for me. At least I can work on myself and the damage that's been done.

Newmom: My husband and I talked about this. He said no matter how little he might have had to drink in any given day (some days he did not drink at all), he was either drunk or recovering from being drunk. In any case, he was still thinking about it or trying to avoid thinking about drinking. He said there was a lot of guilt and shame associated with the hiding it, his drunken state, or the withdrawl. He was going through the DTs after one day of not drinking, and to get rid of them he would drink more the next day.

One time when I knew he was sober I told him I could tell he was going through withdrawl. He lost it--"how can you tell? How do you know? What do I do?" I was like--uhh... I'm not mentioning that again.

And actually, my husband was a prince the year and a half before we got married. He was sober and handling his issues. But he still had issues--not a problem as long as you face them. For him, I think the booze was an excuse to let his demons run free.

Gosh, I can't wait until those 9th step admissions. He thinks he's dreading it...

Im not sure about this one, but my therapist mentioned a 'dry drunk' where the behavior is still there but the alcohol isnt? I havent had a chance to research this term more, but maybe that is what your AB is doing?

AH has been out of rehab for a week. Today he said, "you don't have to worry about that" about something we were discussing. I said, " I do if you start drinking again." He said, "you mean if I start drinking I'll be an asshole? Naaaah".

So a. he's not saying, "I'll never drink again", and b. He still doesn't know he is an asshole when he's drinking, Oh well, his recovery is his business, I'm not getting involved. That felt good.

I think that my AH could be real nice (old self) for about 2-3 days lately and then the 4th day he started having I guess "withdrawal attitude" and I knew that on the 5th day he would cave in and get alcohol and get on a binge for 3-4 days. Today is his 5th day in rehab w/out alcohol and so I know he is probably a real bear today. Called me the last few nights being all over the place with his moods. He is in counseling and class all day until 9:00 at night. I think that he is going to be in a bad mood and ill until he gets all this crap out of his system.
I do know that when he comes back that if he relapses, I don't think I can take it anymore and will start looking for a place to move to until he gets his act totally together. I do feel that I have changed since this all started about a year or so ago. My friends even notice that I am not happy anymore. It really sucks. I am going to counseling myself to try and help me...Good luck all of you!!

My AH started out a happy drunk until the last few months then he was a mean, angry nasty drunk. It wasn't until I left him and he made his 1st attempt at getting sober by "white knuckling" it (no program). Of course that didn't last long so I did not come home. I was not about to come home to guess which of his Jekyl & Hyde moods I was going to find.

Once he got into Program, the detoxing began and that was NOT fun. He had been in the bottle for two years so he was literally marinating himself. It's amazing that his body organs are still functioning.

The good news was once the long process of getting all of the alcohol out of his system, I found my husband again. He even commented how clear his thinking was, how motivated he was and get this.....that the alcohol was making him....wait for it...depressed....REALLY?????

He still gets frustrated, but was self medicating ADHD before and is now taking the correct medication so is handling life like a grown up....LOVE IT!

Pray everyday that his recovery stays on track.

I think everyone's experience is going to be individualized depending on how long their AH has been drinking and how much damage they've done to themselves. But I'm telling you, my AH was so pickled and he got his old happy personality back so it is possible.

Good luck!

Hopeing4serenity - nice to see such a positive outcome. You are very very blessed. I am happy for you - right now you have what many hope for. May God be with you.

Thank you Dharma. I know it's way early in his recovery so I'm taking it day by day.

I just do a lot of praying, work my program (Al-Anon), my daughter works her program (Al-Ateen) and hope he continues working his program (AA).

I was never one to pray before...unless it was to win the lottery and look where that got me!

I know that Al-Anon is not for everyone and I'm not here to preach. It just gave me strength and a higher power when I was at my lowest point and feeling hopeless and I have never been a super religious person (see the comment above!)

I live my life one day at time and my nightly prayer is that all of your AH's find their "bottom's", realize that the love of their lives are about to give up on them, and get themselves into a program.

Until that time comes, I will always be here to support and love my sister's in this group. I know that I'm still going to need support:)

Glad things are looking good for you, "hoping" and hope that they continue to look up. Am going next weekend to see my AH in hopes that he will be nice and more stable by then....