NOTHING (taps on microphone to make sure it is on) NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO GET BETTER, EVERYTHING THEY SAY IS A LIE. IF YOU FEEL UNLOVED, IT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE UNLOVED.

Been doing this fucking dance since 1986 for fuck's sake. I used to feel hope, but after many years, hope is gone. in the meantime, i have isolated MYSELF, gained 100 pounds (eating junk food was the only physical pleasure i could get) and he still drinks every night. i still have to see that stupid drunk face. When i boil over, he blames pms or rolls his eyes.

i do not cook, nor clean. i isolate in my bedroom  with my dog, my online tshirt design store, and most importantly, my HEAVY METAL. i stopped caring about my body ages ago because he stopped caring about my body ages ago. He hasn't had a boner in over 5 years, on which i blame my weight gain (even though i know it's whisky dick) I GAvE HIM MY SELF ESTEEM. That's right, put in a platter and put it in front of his face DINNER TIME HONEY!!!!

Being a person who needs to be in charge, losing my sense of self, safety, beauty, love, has been very hard to come back from. i got laid off from my job years ago and wasn't able to get a better job so I went into a depression. We have no kids because i never wanted any with a drunk. But I have never wanted children.

He has control of everything, the bills, food, love, attention, etc. So i started to see this house as HIS house and stopped giving a shit. The house is filthy and I am ashamed, but it doesn't feel like my house at all. I have no say here. i feel no pride or ownership to this house, so i watch it collapse around me, just like my marriage, and my self worth.

The not cleaning is almost a sick way of revenge against him. Even though I live here too, and see the grime (i was never a neat freak to begin with), i cannot bring myself to care. It's like what little power i have, i use, much to my own detriment. i am also in the process of removing myself from my family of origin. They are monsters, so having a loving husband whom i can lean on is important but not provided. i am alone in this, no family, no husband, no sense of self.  i feel disgusting physically and am horribly overweight. i used to care very much about my body and looks, had a good one for along time, got lots of attention, now, i look on the outside how i feel in the inside.

my sick and twisted father used to tell me daily '(if you get fat, your husband will hate you, he will no longer want you, so you better keep that ass skinny). Being raised like that is what holds me in this cell. Being raised that the outer is the only thing that makes a woman beautiful (even though i know that is not true), has kept me shackled in this room and in this marriage. THE MONSTER WAS RIGHT. if i gain weight, my husband will no longer want to touch me or make love to me.

I am on the road to get my body back one step at a time. The work is hard but i need to get me back and stop putting my self worth into the hands of others (father, brother, sister, mother, husband). I DID THIS TO ME, HE DIDN'T so i need to stop blaming him for my self esteen. my husband is at fault for breaking our marital trust,guilty for taking away the ability to feel safe in my own home, has forced me to used food as a substitute for love and the end results are ALL MINE BABY.

Funny but at this very time, if he were to get a hard on and make love i would cringe away. i no longer feel anything sexual towards him and i do not have the capacity to fake it. oh but my sex drive is as it has always been, very good) i order all my clothes from the design store i work for but in 3x to 5x so i am swimming material. i never look in mirrors, but i know how much i weigh and it blows my mind.

i know once i get my weight under control, then i can feel free (instead of feeling like the elephant man) to change my life for the better. i desperately NEED to get out before I FIND THE BODY. That is what i am running from. I DON'T WANT TO FIND THE BODY. i know what is needed and what must be done, so this entry isn't looking for solutions or advice, just to share what i am going through with others who can understand.

Do you or did you find yourself in my situation? Did you get out? Did you find the body?

i look forward to your responses!!!!