Prayers for you! Be calm, direct with him and do it when he is sober. Keep it brief, no long explanation. I am guilty of all the previous, the only reason I would offer advice. I left though, then ended up coming back after promises to change. Hold your ground, know this is the best for you and your daughter. I stayed with my A for the kids, major mistake. I think now that they are grown they both have relationship issues due to living that life style. If only I had stayed gone, their lives are would have been better.

I think you are right to feel unsafe around someone who drinks and is volatile. Are you moving out, or asking him to move out? I read both in your post. If you are moving out, then don't even give him advance warning. You have a child to protect. If you need him to move out, you may be able to get a restraining order and have him served when you and your daughter are not home. Has he been verbally abusive, made any threats before?

You are brave. Don't waiver. Know that you're doing the right thing, and if you do start to waiver, know that you're doing it for that miracle of yours, your daughter. Do not subject her to a horrible life. There's time to focus on just the two of you, move on and make a peaceful life together. She's young and deserves the best of life, and it's up to you to provide it for her. You will never regret leaving this awful situation. Big hug.

I will be moving him out of my home. And unfortunately, yes, he has been verbally abusive when he is drunk. But, that is all the time if he is not at work. He is a functioning alcoholic, I'd guess you'd say. Anyway, when we started this relationship he was always a happy drunk....I tried to look at it like that. But, that has changed over the past couple of years and it has been hard to wrap my head around the change. The straw that broke the camel's back was another DUI where he ended up spending 45 days in jail. I felt so free. I felt like I could breath again and I wasn't walking on egg shells constantly. Then on top of that, he didn't keep the promises that of course he made before he went to jail. He was supposed to do a little changing once he got out. Sad thing is that I never even said he had to quit drinking. I just wanted him to quit in front of my daughter. I also wanted him to sacrifice some of his spending so that we could build my savings back up after I paid for his lawyer to keep him from serving years instead of days! I could go on and on. Thank you all for your support and I will probably be checking in on a regular basis until my Independence Day arrives for continued support!

Good for you - stay strong and stick to your boundaries with him. I know it's difficult. Alcoholics are so good at manipulation. (Sorry I must have misread that you were moving out, now I see you said moving him out).

If he has been verbally abusive, especially in front of your daughter, and you have some incidents documented, you may be able to get a restraining order. Incidents where he has destroyed property, and that includes urinating on things, can be used in your case. Inappropriate sexual comments in front of kids can be used too. The more of a pattern of abuse you can establish, the better. If you are afraid (and it sounds like you are, I was afraid of my A too), it is worth looking into. Getting him out of the house is a big challenge, but after that you can probably expect tons of phone calls from him, trying to lay all kinds of guilt on you, and making up excuses to come back to your place at inconvenient times to pick up stuff, etc. It's all manipulation that can be avoided if you get a temporary restraining order. If you decide not to go that route, please have another trusted adult in the home when you tell him to move out, and if possible, send your daughter to a friend's house so she doesn't have to witness an ugly scene. The other adult can call the police if necessary, and then there will be an official record that can be used to get a restraining order. It sounds extreme, but people do it all the time, and you should not have to live in fear. It sends a strong message that you mean business, and alcoholics won't respect your boundaries, so you need to be tough.

I can relate to all you said about him being a happy drunk at first. That was the case with me and my AH also, then it changed over the past few years. He is functioning too. From articles I have been reading online and posts from others here, what I guess is that if I stayed longer, he'd become lazy over time and probably cheat on me. Have you read Empowered Recovery? If not, I recommend it. I saw a lot of myself in there, things I thought were personality quirks of my AH that were actually alcoholic behaviors. Reading that was a turning point for me. You are doing the right thing already, but reading that will give you some more validation and help you stay mentally strong. Good luck!

You may want to speak with a lawyer. Depending on what state you are in and how long he has lived at your house you may actually have to evict him if he won't go willingly. Just saw my uncle go through this with his long time alcoholic girlfriend. Because she had been living there for over two years and was contributing financially he had to have her evicted. I know all the details seem overwhelming but just take one step at a time and you will get there.

If it were me, I would, number one, call to have a police officer (if you live in the city limits) or a sheriff's officer (if you live out of the city limits) come by at a certain time - a time you choose (such as 10 min after he comes home from work. - to come to your house to "keep the peace." I would inform him in front of the officer that you need him to leave your home and give him time to get some clothes together - or you have a bag packed for him and hidden, ready to go. If he can't drive, the officer can take him where he needs to go, and you may want to let the police know that beforehand. Also tell them why he can't drive and why you're going to ask him to leave.

The police will tell you if you need to evict him, but I wouldn't even go there if you don't have to. He probably doesn't know that's the case. Even though you do not fear your AH physically, sometimes events like this can escalate to that.

If you want to get a restraining order beforehand, you wouldn't have to evict him. All you have to do is basically the same thing. Get the restraining order and ask that it be served on him when he gets home from work. You have a bag ready and the officer can serve the order and escort him from the property.

Depending on what state you live in as well, you may technically be considered married since you have cohabitated for a certain period of time. Some people never look into that and just move in and out, but you could always look into it and if your state says you are technically married by common law, you can draw up your own divorce papers and have him served as well.

If you get a restraining order, and he wants something that's his from the house, he will need to have a friend contact you and you will need to either make arrangements for a friend to come get things while you're there or you take his possessions to his friend. Technically having a friend contact you also violates the restraining order, but my guess is there's stuff he will want and stuff you will want gone.

Good luck and you are doing the right thing!

^^ Good advice. I agree with formy4kids.

All of you truly do not know how much I appreciate your understanding and support. I will continue to use this discussion forum until (and probably after) I am able to go through with this. I pray it will be soon. Although it scares me to death! And 11Christmases - At first I thought you meant Empowered Recovery was a book? But, I didn't find that on amazon. I did, however, find a website. So, I will read all I can on there. As far as calling the police, my idea is to have one of my very best friends who is a minister be here when I tell him to leave. He is a very calming force and I believe he will be able to drive my boyfriend away and even talk to him in a way that will help his situation. I know, though, after his first drink - he will call. I also need to figure out how to make my doors more lock tight. I live in a trailer with pretty unstable doors that can be broken into easily and that worries me.

I have even thought about having him a place rented and ready for him to move in - is that going too far?

About Empowered Recovery, on the website there is an e-book you can download called The Alcoholic Relationship Survival Guide. You are already in the stage where you're leaving, but you'll feel validated if you read the book.

My last post was short - my son walked into the room. About renting him a place, you could look around for something secretly for him if you want, but I'm not sure renting it for him would work. You'd have to sign a lease and put down a deposit, and right there you will entwine yourself further with your boyfriend. Then you have to worry about his payment or non-payment of the rent affecting your credit. I think cutting off contact and not helping him find a new place would be best. I think it just drags out the whole process and gives him more opportunities to try to blame and control you. Does he have family or friends in the area?

If you get the place rented for him to move into, it would have to be in his name - otherwise you're stuck for rent or damages or other stuff. I was going to do that for my AH, but then it occurred to me, if I put my name on it (someone has to sign the lease or rental agreement), I'll be liable for when he doesn't pay. I wouldn't do that. That's enabling (helping him), which is what we all do every day now. He needs to do for himself and not look to someone else to do it for him.

Don't rent him a place. Don't put yourself out more than you already have. We (the enablers) are often the care givers. We want to take care of everything the kids the drunk the bills etc. We are the responsible ones and he may see you renting him a place as that one connection to keep you hanging on. Thinking you will "come back" and trust me from experience that is NOT what you want. Severe your ties, no support cliche! If he goes in treatment, counseling etc because of it and you want to look at the relationship and see if it can be salvaged at that time, at least he's made an effort. Don't hold your breath, just because you put him out or vice versa, doesn't mean he will change. Been there done that & repeated like an idiot. Now I am stuck again.

Good advice from many, first and foremost have a safety plan. Bags packed if you need to get out quick, make sure you have documents (bank cards, money, car keys, wallet etc…), daughter's bag packed. If your place is that easy to break into, maybe you should go rent a place for awhile (not let him know where it is). I think you would be safer. Let people know about your concerns, have a phone near. But honestly, I think you should rent a place that he doesn't know where you are, have your stuff ready to go. I think it's a great idea to have someone there. Just be safe. Let us know how it goes.